Living without Alex 6-29-07

FRIDAY, JUNE 29, 2007 12:27 AM, CDT

This post was moved from Alex's original blog


It's been such a long time since I've been here. I stopped by to check the guestbook entries and saw Trista's entry and cried. Some days I yearn for that moment of healing........ that moment that the hole in my own heart closes just a little and then I realize that it closes a little every day. I don't have a "superman" scar that people can see, but some days the scars are covering my entire being.

I always knew that our experience was for a reason, I think that I thought that one day someone would just knock on my door and tell me what I was suppose to do with it. God and I have many conversations about that. I have trouble reading between the lines and seeing the rainbow for the clouds sometimes.

Every day that I have lived since the day Alexander was born has been a new day to do something with my life. In the past year and a half I have had to rebuild myself and I still sometimes wonder if I ever will be a complete person again. I have gained confidence, I have gained tremendous knowledge and compassion, yet I have lost such a part of me that I can't get back. I am just now realizing that maybe I don't need it back. Maybe Alex's illness and death was my rebirth. Maybe I got the opportunity to start new in life, that's a very liberating idea.

I'm different now. At first I resented the stares, the saddened looks as people glanced my way. Now in a way I cherish that. When Alex died all expectations that I put on myself of what I thought I needed to be melted away and I was given a chance to become anything I wanted to be.

I think I have come a long way in that venture. I think I'm a good person now. I didn't always feel that way. I can look at myself in the mirror and although I've aged physically this past year, I like what I see. I see a woman who has finally become something. I have finally gotten my career where I want it to be, I have finally become the mother I wanted to be.

I don't think I've dealt with it all in ways that were expected. I think you have a choice, you can lay down and die or you can realize that quite honestly the death of your child is the worst that life can do to you..... I've survived it and that means I have the strength to do anything. I refuse to lay down and let my spirit die.......

Oficially employed

The meeting at work went great. We got everythign in place for the Doula program as well as discussed some changes that are going to be made on the unit to make it more "baby friendly". Such as the parents bathing the baby in the room and skin to skin contact with the parents before any routine baby procedures are done and doing as much as possible with the baby on moms lap. For c-sections the dad will take the baby for some skin to skin contact while mom is in recovery. It's amazing progress!

This is totally what I've been training for my whole life and I'm really excited to be part of the change for women in this area! Hopefully we can get these services included in more and more hospitals so having a doula becomes a standard way of giving birth!

Sorry I've been a big slackish

I've been so busy and doing nothing at the same time. I don't have anything exciting to blog about. Let's see. This past weekend we had my moms boyfriends 50th birthday party, and I forgot my camera.... that sucks!

Tomorrow is my meeting at work. I'm really anxious to finally get going full throttle. FINALLY. This has been months in the making (years actually) and it's time to hit the ground runnin!

We added Austin and Hailey to our cell phone plan and Hailey hasn't talked about anything but her cell phone in the past 24 hours. I'm ready to shove it up her nose quite honestly. Can't wait ti see our bill skyrocket.

See what I said about having nothing to blog about? So I'm being boring lol

In the news

15 year old preforms c-section:

A 15 year old son of a doctor in India preformed a c-section.... why? To get into the guiness book of world records. His father is facing losing his license.............. Ya think?!?!


And

Even more disturbing.

A 19 year old mother calls 911 after finding her baby dead.....

She had TAPED his pacifier in his mouth after she overheard someone talking about SIDS. Ya know that study that says that pacifier use may reduce risk of SIDS? (Co-sleeping and night nursing seems like a better way to me, but that's for another post I suppose). So yeah she TAPED the pacifier to the 4 month olds mouth and killed him! This was after she lost his swaddling blanket and tied his arms up with a sleeper. Isn't it amazing that you pretty much have to prove a Royal bloodline to adopt a child no one else wants, but any idiot can leave the hospital with a newborn without so much as an IQ test? Good LORD!

And yesterday president Bush vetoed yet another stem cell research bill. While I get his religious convictions on the subject and am a religious woman myself, what ever happened the the difference between the Church and state? Having had an ill child who may have been helped if stem cell research were further along it makes me sad that we can't find some compromise on this issue.

What are your thoughts on stem cell research? Would you donate embryos you weren't going to use to research? Drop me a comment and tell me your opinion!

Life is like a box of chocolates..

Oy, the past week or two has been a bit nuts. With the kids out of school now we are running to and from this summer school class and that, band lessons, friends over here, kids over there. It's crazy.

I'm still worried about Nathan's eye. You know, I wonder if they missed something. The doc was very thorough so that's reassuring but the mommy in me can't help but worry. It is starting to sink in the severity of having a cataract at his age. The first few months are HUGE in visual development and he's actually quite "old" for diagnosis and treatment. Which means that he could have vision issues that can never be overcome. I hope not. The blessing of it is that even if he does, he will have never known life to be any different so I'm sure will adapt quite well. Here's a little info about congenital Cataracts at Medline Plus . Kind of an odd thing though, since they dilated his eyes I'm noticing that his right pupil (where the cataract is) is consistantly smaller than the other. I dont' know if it's always been that way and I just didn't notice it or if this is a new development. It responds the same as the other to light and dark, but it's just smaller. I guess we will find out about that too when we go to Marshfield.

Hailey spent 3 days at the beach last week and has a good 2nd degree burn. She's got blisters that bleed. It's awful! She swore she wear sunblock but I doubt she applied it as often as she claims because I don't think I've ever seen a sunburn as bad as hers.

Craig has a meeting tonight at work. I don't think it's going to go well. We were hoping to keep him working for another month or so until I get my job established but I'm not sure that's going to happen. I know God will take care of us, he always has. But the prospect of Craig being unemployed is scary. There could very realistically be a few weeks where we don't have any income coming in. Yikes. We've been tossing around the idea that if that happens we could take out a 2nd mortgage on the house, we have $60,000 in equity in it and could use that as a nice cushion to have some security, it's a big step since interest rates are quite a bit higher than what ours currently is and we'd be doubling our payment most likely. Definitely not something we are jumping into without some serious consideration.

As far as my job I'm still waiting to hear when our meeting is to go over the ins and outs. That's life in a hospital, nothing is ever accomplished in a timely manner. That will probably be the hardest thing for me to deal with as I'm one that likes to hit the ground running. It's frustrating to say the least.

My cat had 5 kittens yesterday. Anyone want one? We need kittens like a hole in our head. But it's our own fault I suppose for procrastinating on getting her fixed.

I've gotten a few pics for the tub time contest now and will probably launch that on Monday. So you've still got time to send your pic.

We'll take it!

He doesn't have cancer!!!! He does, however, have a cataract. The ophthamologist who saw him today reffered him to a pediatric one about 2.5 hours from here for further treatment. We go there on July 2nd and will have more of an idea what we are up against then. Thanks for the prayers, a cataract can still be pretty devastating for him visually, but it's not threatening his life so we'll take what blessings we can get!

When we got in the car after the appointment I just busted out bawling. I totally felt like we had dodged a bullet and just kept saying sometimes prayers ARE answered.

God is certainly good!

A picture tells a thousand words

Sometimes those words are scary.

A few years ago I got an email about an eye cancer called Retinoblastoma. I honestly at first thought it was a hoax email but it wasn't. Who knew it would possibly save my childs life.

You know when you take a picture in low light and you get the "red-eye reflex"? Well that reflex is from the light of the flash bouncing off the rich blood vessels that supply the retina at the back of the eye. It's scary looking, but honestly is the sign of a healthy eye.

So imagine my shock when I got these photos yesterday of Nathan from a friend of mine:



I immediately called the ped's nurse and like most nurse's she was obvlivious when I mentioned that i'd heard this can signal cancer. She talked to the ped, and they wanted to see him.

She looked in his eye and said she was going to go see if the ophthamologist was still around. He wasn't but she skimmed through his books for a minute. She came back and said that the pictures she found what's in Nathan's eye doesn't look like a tumor, but maybe a freckle. However she couldn't be sure. If it was a tumor, it was small. She had her partner look who saw it and told me "i don't THINK it's bad". I wasn't reassured. They made an appt for us for monday with the ophthamologist and they will dilate his eyes (possibly have to put him under to do this) and take a good look.

Please pray that my little boy doesn't have cancer. I don't think I have the strength left.......

My dream job!

So. After a month of waiting to hear if the hospital board was going to approve it, I am now going to be contracted with the local hospital for doula services! This is an amazing breakthrough in getting Doula services recognized and accredited by the medical community and I can't wait to get started! Just waiting now on a meeting with the Director of maternity services and my back up to hash out all the little niggly details. How awesome is that!!!!

Couldn't come at a better time either. C's boss is going overboard in her quest to be a freaking dictator and cooks are quitting left and right. Soon C will be one of them! WOOHOOO

Michael Moore's "Sicko"

Obviousely I haven't seen the movie yet because it hasn't released yet. But I am very intrigued. Now, some of you may hate me because I actually have respect for Michael Moore. whether or not I agree with him 100% of the time (usually I do) I have respect for his determination to stand up for what he believes in at the expense of his reputation, freedom, and possibly life. There's something to be said for that.

If you are unaware, this movie coming out, entitled "Sicko" is about the state of healthcare in the United States. He says that healthcare should stop being a commercial endeavor and start just being a basic human right. I agree with that. He says that we need to take the profit out of pharmacuticals and medical care. I don't know if I agree with that. I think that even though healthcare should be a right, should be a given in this country, one of the superpowers of the world that there has to be some reward for hard work. I wish I could be confident that the drug and health researchers would do thier best solely for the satisfaction of saving human lives...... I can't. I think if we took the dollar out of thier pockets research would falter. If research falters cures and medications don't happen, if they don't happen we are worse off than when we started.

So, what could happen in this country to help fix our healthcare system? What can we do to shift the balance of power from insurance companies to ourselves and our doctors? Are you planning to see SICKO when it's released in June 29th?

Visit Micheal Moore's website and watch some of the clips, then come back and tell me what you think!
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Don't forget to vote for the cutest nursing photo 2 posts below!

I could really use some divine intervention

Things seem to be snowballing on me a little. Yesterday I had my follow up appt with the urologist on the results of my Ct scan.... first a little background.

After the birth of my angel baby in January 06 I got a UTI. I was stupid and put off treatment because I simply didn't have time to drive back home from where he was and see my doc (insurance didn't cover me there) so I didn't start getting treatment until after he died and I went finally back in for my post partum visit, which was the end of May.

I've been on antibiotics since. Everytime I finish a course it comes right back so I've spent a year on Macrobid waiting until I wasn't pregnant anymore to set up the CT scan (they can't do the dye part while you are pregnant).

So 2 weeks ago I saw the urologist and he ordered the Ct. He told me there probably wasn't anything they could do for me but he wanted to at least take a look but chances were I'd spend the rest of my life on antibiotics.

So had the CT catastrophe. Fast forward to yesterday. My follow up. He walks into the room and starts reading the reports on the CT. Says "oh this is unusual"... just what we like to hear right?

Turns out both kidneys are chock full of kidney stones. Almost all of them are tiny, 1 mm with a 4mm one spotted. Apparently because of my age and the fact that the stones are small, this is unusual. Most people will get a stone here and there in one kidney or the other. The fact that there are SO MANY and they are all small means that for some reason, I just started making them in overtime recently. He says I probably pee out tiny stones every day and don't even notice (WHAT?!?!)

I asked if he could do surgery and he said it was pointless until we figure out why I'm making the stones. There are a few possibilities. #1 I have a problem with my thyroid, which can be normalized with medication. #2 I am taking in too much calcium (highly unlikely for me, i'm lactose intolerant and don't get much calcium). Or, #3 My kidneys are failing and can no longer take care of everything they need to.

So he ordered blood tests (5 freaking vials worth) and a 24 hour urine collection (joy) and it will take a month to get some of these tests back, then I see him again. If they find the problem then we fix it, get me to stop making stones and he can try to blast the 4mm stone (which only has a 50% chance of passing at that size)if he can find it. This can only be done if my kidneys are functioning at 100% as the laser damages kidney tissue. If they can't see the stone clearly, they will go in and cut my kidneys open and remove all the stones that way.

To top it off the antibiotic isn't really keeping the UTI's at bay anymore, just barely taking some of the bacteria out.

If they find that it's my kidneys I'm looking at transplant. I've been informed to "not think too much on that right now" (yeah right)but to ask family and friends if they would be willing to be match tested, it's just a blood test.

The scary thing? This is the same thing that killed my grandmother. She had 2 kidney transplants and then developed brain cancer from the drugs used to prevent rejection.

On top of it, Craig's day cook quit today so he'll be working 8am-midnight until God knows when now.

I need to hear if I got this new job, we need to get him out of that hellhole.

Don't forget to vote for your favorite photo below!!

Infant product reviews

Unfortunately I don't have a gazillion dollars like Oprah, so I can't give each of you one of the things I'm about to review, but you know I would if I could!

First up! The Combi Connection carseat


I paid $140 for this carseat based on it's safety features. The "eggshock" foam in the headrest in particular. They say you can drop an egg from 1 meter on it and the egg won't crack. I have to tell you I neglected to try this particular test because if the egg did crack...... well would you feel comfortable using a carseat you had just destroyed the box for because everytime you put your baby in it you envision an egg cracking open? Not only that, but what a mess that would be! I also really like the breathable fabric, it is designed to keep baby cool in the summer and warm in the winter. It is very light (7 lbs i think?) and has one of the higher weight limits of carrier type carseats (22 lbs).

What I don't like- It doesn't hook on a shopping cart. FORCING (yes FORCING) me to then pay $100 for the matching stroller ( combi city Savvy). Ok so I wanted the stroller anyway but that's beside the point.

Evenflo Elan bottles

Although i am a breastfeeding momma I do pump the occasional bottle for daddy to feed. Can't hog the baby all the time you know. The Evenflo Elan bottles can be purchased at Target for $12.00 for 3 bottles. A bit pricey as far as bottles go, but the nipple is shaped just like the breast, complete with the little bumpy mongomeries glands! The bottom has air vents like the vent aire bottles that allow air to circulate through the bottle and not create the suction. Breastfed babies suck HARD and it's impossible to keep bottle nipples from collapsing, problem solved with this bottle!

The Bumbo seat and play tray


If I'm being completely honest I have to say this wouldn't really make it to my "favorites" list. I included it here simply because it's so popular right now. My son (now 4 months) really doesn't care for this seat. In order to serve it's purpose, which is to help babies who can't yet sit, sit. It is very restrictive, my baby HATES that. I purchased the tray along with the seat and am less than impressed. The tray gets bumped off very easily and takes 4 hands to put on. Not the best $45 I ever spent. If you are going to get one of these type seats though, please do get the Bumbo brand and not the Bebe Pod brand, the bumbo is made from soft foamy rubber and is much more chubby leg friendly. And no, he doesn't have the purple one that's just me being lazy and saving the first pic I found.

That's all for now!

Why would you want a large family?

I had a strange moment yesterday. When out in public with the children I have gotten many comments, good and bad (mostly good thank goodness). Yesterday I got the question there is no solid answer for, WHY?

I replied that we love it and continued on my way. On the way home however I really went into deep thought about this. Why DO we have a lot of children? What are the reasons? I searched my soul and what I came up with was simple. We are not in control all the time. Some things ARE better left for God to decide. I can decide what color car to buy, but making decisions that affect lives? Decisions that possibly deny a person coming into this world? That is WAY beyond what I'm qualified to do.

So we have so many children because God either feels we are deserving of all these blessings, or that we have something to teach, or that we have something to learn that most people learn with 1 or 2 and we just can't push the rocks in our heads aside to listen.... Either way, I'm grateful.

I'm not one of those people who started off thinking I'd have a large family. I've just never had the "done" feeling that other people get. So, as long as my health holds out we will continue to let God decide what is right for our family. With every child we have grown, grown as people, our finances have grown, our living space has grown. God has provided for each of our children and I have no reason to think he will stop as long as we trust in his divine judgement.

What are your thoughts on why some people are happy with 1 or 2 children and some never quite feel content? Please don't hesistate to comment just because you feel your comment might be controversial. I'm interested!

The post about my son is still in the works, I would however like to invite you to check out his caringbridge site. It is a journal that was kept during his life and struggles and during ours, living without him.

Do you enjoy this blog? Click the link at the right of this page to subscribe!

Every mothers nightmare

Every mother pushes the thought from her mind. The thought that something could happen to her child. It wakes us from our sleep, we think we would fail to survive it.

Some of us have for whatever reason have to live it. Somehow we do survive it but how much of our soul is still intact isn't always certain.

It started with the vasectomy, kind of strange isn't it? Then the reversal. Then by the grace of God the positive pregnancy test. An uneventful pregnancy, perfect in every aspect until at 36 weeks my water broke.


He was born January 28th 2006 at 2:32am. A petite 4 lbs 14 oz. The next 16 hours were pure exhausted bliss. Until he stopped breathing...

That night we heard the dreaded words that would change our lives. Heart defect. We traveled to one hospital to stabalize him, then another to fix him.

We lived in a Ronald Mcdonald house for over 6 weeks.
Our lives turned on it's nose. Normal became a thing of the past. Our lives were dictated by every breath of a ventilator, every blood test, every ultrasound, CT scan. They say it's a roller coaster. It is. Imagine that feeling as you are going up the track.... the anticipation. Then imagine going over the hill to the first big drop. The track could well derail and hit the ground.... or it could be fine and climb another hill only to drop again. There is no certainty. So many days and nights I would sit in his room, 3 or 4 chairs aligned in a row with doctors and me just sitting there with baited breath waiting for Alex to show us all what to do next.


Alex showed us strength far beyond anyone's comprehention. So many times he pulled through from deaths door. He taught us to live in the moment, because you never know what the next may bring.

Alex showed us patience. He endured so much to stay with us until the moment we were strong enough to live without him.

The day he died changed my already changed world. My children now knew that children die. My husband and I now completely understood the uncertainty and precariousness of life. We learned to take each day as the gift that it is and never let one day go by where you are not happy with the way you lived it. It might be your last.

The day we put his tiny body in the ground made me realize that in an instant, life is over. It's that quick. You live, you die, you are put in the ground, and people walk away. All that really matters is what you do between the day you are born and the day you die. How many lives you touch, how many lives you make better in some tiny way.


So, from that day, March 16, 2006 forward, I have tried and will continue to try to make each day count. I will try to live without regret. I will try to teach others the lessons that my son taught me. I learned more in 6 weeks than I will teach in a lifetime.


Again I invite you to read his caringbridge journal. Few things are more precious to me than that journal. When I need to go back in time all I have to do is read and I am back there, kissing his little head and stroking his taped cheek. Some days the memories are so cloudy that the words in that journal are all I have left of him. That and the basket that sits on my headboard full of his toys.

Soon it will be time to keep the kids busy all summer

Any parent with school age children knows that the end of the school year can be almost as chaotic as the beginning of a new one. What with field trips, show and tells, picnics and planning summer activities. Oy, I get tired.

I'm very proud to say that Hailey made "anchor" position on the relay team for the track and field event on Monday! I'm so proud of her! She can run like the wind so I hope it's something she pursues next year as she goes into middle school. Speaking of....... MIDDLE SCHOOL! Who told her she could grow up? Soon, I will have 2 teenagers......... pray for me!

Here's a pic of Hailey and her best friend from this year (anyone with pre-teen girls knows she'll have a new best friend next year) Hailey is the brunette. This was taken after her band concert. *PIC HAS BEEN REMOVED DUE TO SOME SUSPICIOUS EMAILING OF THIS BLOG POST URL*



I know I'm just slightly biased, but isn't she a beautiful young lady? I'm gonna need a big stick for the boys......

Moving on.... I wanted to do something cute with Jack's hair for the summer. It took a lot of convincing my husband, but I got my way and this is the end result....*PIC HAS BEEN REMOVED DUE TO SOME SUSPICIOUS EMAILING OF THIS POST URL*


And a photo of my sweet baby boy, he looks a bit frightened in this picture, poor baby! He's gotta hate that camera since I'm snapping at least 5 pictures of him a day. Poor kid's gonna be blinded from the flash. *PIC HAS BEEN REMOVED*


And finally I have a photo of myself with Nathan, yes I hide from the camera I'm probably the LEAST photogenic person on the planet!
*PIC HAS BEEN REMOVED*

I want to say again how much I appreciate the support in the last couple of weeks. A special thank you to the motherwear breastfeeding blog for telling my story, I have been able to be in contact with some amazing women through this story being told and am grateful for the experience. I now beleive that God put me in that situation for a reason and I must not fail him. Goodness knows I've had my share of tests over the past couple of years and I have learned that if I don't follow God's lessons the first time, he will keep trying!

I am working on a post which is hard for me to write but there are people who now read this blog that don't know my story and I want to share someone very special with you all. My son Alex who was an inspiration and a test to my faith, my resolve, my entire being..........

Interview with the matriarch of a large family

As a woman with a large family I am often curious about other peoples' experience with thier own large families, I'm sure many of you are too, especially if you don't have the experience yourself. So I've recruited some people on some large family message boards to answer some questions and give us a little insight into thier lives! These will post every so often on this blog.

The first volunteer was Heather from the Large families message board on babycenter



Did you always know you wanted a large family? We always knew we wanted more than 1 or 2, but we never had a set number in our heads.

Do you use birth control or are you of "quiver-full" mindset? How did you come to that decision? We used/use birth control.

How many children do you have? 5

How many do you want? It looks like 5 may be it unless we come into money. We do want to be able to help with college and go on an occasional vacation and be able to send them to summer camp etc. 5 is our financial limit to be able to still do that for now.

What are the biggest challenges when raising a large family? LAUNDRY!!! Also, there are not so many vehicles to accomodate 5 carseats without spending a lot of money and getting a vehicle that is bad for the environment. I am hoping the proverbial "they" come up with an environmentally friendly large vehicle that is affordable at some point.

What are the biggest rewards? I could go on and on and on. A parent may burst with pride on a Friday night because their son hit a beautiful triple. I get to do that 5 times as often. When I sit and read a story, I have 3 little ones on my lap. You know how exciting it is when you see the lightbulb go on in your child's mind, the one who has been struggling with Algebra? I get to see that lightbulb shine 5 times as bright and 5 times more often. When my 5yo learned how to ride a 2 wheeler for the 1st time, she had 6 people cheering her on. Our home is full of love. Each one of my children have a full network of fans to help them out and cheer them on as well as 14 shoulders to cry on. Really, I could write pages, but you get the idea.

Mike and I have been married for almost 9 years. We have 5 children and for now, that is all we are comfortable with affording. We have a 4br/2bth home on an acre. We will add on or buy a bigger house in a few years, but we are very happy. My husband hunts and fishes. The bigger kids have begun to share this with him as they get older. We both play poker and tend to steer towards outdoor activities. I also love to cook. I used to work until my 4th was born. Me not working was the deciding factor to adding to our family. Trying to juggle more than 3 with ever changing schedules, and all the illness children have, made the work/daycare thing impossible. Life is actually much less chaotic now that I stay home even though we have 2 more children. Sometimes the noise level gets high and I have to remind everyone to take turns talking or NOBODY will be heard, and we do have 5-10 minute qucik pick ups daily. The kids have all learned that if everyone just pitches in for 10 minutes, we can get it all pretty well cleaned up (toys and clothes etc) so we can all enjoy what comes next.

How do we live on 1 income with a large family?

This seems to be a very popular question and is one of the first asked when people learn we have 6 kids and 1 income. I'd like to share with you some things that we do to make that happen.

~ Keep your debt minimal. Houses and cars are expensive, so we finance those but we did away with the credit cards years ago and never use any in store credit. If we can't afford it we don't need it. I once read that 1 credit card with a $5,000 limit will cost you over $30,000 if you make the minimum monthly payments! Also, split your monthly payment into two and pay half every two weeks, this will cut an entire payment or more off at the end!

~ Research larger purchases. We plan for larger purchases such as furniture and vacations 6-12 months in advance. We research the items we are interested in by reading reviews at places like www.epinions.com

~ Shop in bulk. Costco and Sam's club are a great resource if you have a place to store dry goods.

~ Call restaraunt food distributors. This is a little unknown to most people, but if you have a large family and shop big, you can get your own personal account with food distributors and have the food delivered TO YOUR DOOR for what restaraunts pay! Call your favorite restaraunt and ask them for the contact information to thier distributors.

~ Use only half the recommended amount of laundry detergent and put in a cup of baking soda. Your clothes will be cleaner than ever before. Also, use Vinegar in your downy ball or fabric softener slot, it removes soap residue and smell from your clothes for pennies per load!

~ Plan your trips. Make lists and plan your meals. This cuts down the number of grocery store pit stops during the week.

~ Have a big family? You can get group discounts at some amusement parks, movie theaters, and other entertainment. If you are short on people, plan your outings with another family.

~ Turn your heat/air down when you leave the house, seems like a no brainer but i'm amazed at the amount of people who don't do this.

~ Get creative! Hate hand-me-downs? Turn old clothes into something else! A pair of jeans with holey knees can easily be turned into a skirt with just a pair of scissors, a sewing machine, and some bargain lace!

~ Save money on air fresheners by putting yummy smelling dryer sheets in your heat vents just under the grate. You can freshen and make your house smell great for months on just one box!

Do you have any tips not listed here? Please share them in a comment!

Things to see in Wisconsin

Ok so there ARE cows. Lots of them.

On Sunday we went to my in laws for dinner with the family and I brought the trusty camera along to take some pictures of the scenery. I never realized how pretty this area is until I really looked at it. So here are some pictures on our way,

First, a stop to pick up half the troop at my moms. This is her farm.





And the new little calf that will taste very yummy at Christmas.......... shhh don't tell him





And a few pics of the landscape along our drive











The Veterans Memorial Cemetary near my brother in laws house






Chris and Katrina going for a ride on the Go Kart





Boys will be boys, they all had to try out the super duper army type gun

Fishy prozac

So My brother got married on Thursday to his ever so sweet fiance (well duh kat, i should hope he married his fiance..........) anyway...

My sister and I got to thier house first after the ceremony to start cooking for the dinner later on. My daughter walks up to me and says:

Mom- somethings wrong with Allen's fish

My sister and I look over and here the fish has it's head buried in the rocks at the bottom

I whispered to my sister

I think thier fish commited suicide.......

We decided to just ignore it until they got there. When they arrived we told them that thier fish had commited fishy suicide and maybe they should do something about it. My brother said that his wife had just killed thier other fish yesterday. He went to take the fish tank outside and came back in after a few seconds......... the fish was alive! Thank goodness my brother knows fishy cpr! It's a miracle!

The fish just stayed there on the bottom like that, barely moving so we decided that maybe the fish was depressed, do they make fishy prozac? He tried to feed it and it let the flakes fall on him but didn't eat them. Classic sign of depression, Poor fish.

I told them that it was my belief that the fish was not in fact depressed, but that it was dying and offered ways to help.

Should we flush it? no, my sister said that was much too slow of a death
Grab it by the tail and whack it on the counter? No, who wants to brutally murder a fish?
Put a little bleach in the tank? It was at that point they ceased all communication with me regarding the fish. I have lost my place in the "need to know fish circle"...... *sigh*

I wonder how mr fish is doing today........ did he go and meet his fishy maker? Was he mourning the loss of his friend? If anyone knows that status on the well being of the fish let me know!

Here is a cute couple of pics from the wedding day. The first is my husband carrying our 4 month old Nathan in the moby wrap.

And a little while later my neice Madilyn (left) and her friend imitating him!

BTW, congrats Allen and Rissa!!!!

The news story, breastfeeding in public

The tv crew came and the story aired last night. I think they did a great job with it, it was non-confrontational but told the story well. Here is the link, click the headline next to the little red video camera icon to see the story as it aired. I am happy with my decision to go public with this, I had my concerns but I think (hope) they were unfounded. I am happy that the hospital is using this as an opportunity to educate and although thier account of the even is a little off, that's insignificant.



Moving on. I have to say that the attention this blog has gotten is pretty impressive. People are talking about it and thinking about thier lives and decisions so the point of my writing is working. I'm not entirely sure why a reader felt the need to bring the loss of my son into it, but I realize that when you speak your mind and people are insecure they will do whatever they can to try to make you feel as badly as they feel about themselves. I'm not bothered. This blog is as much a learning experience for me as anything. I'm always eager to hear other points of view!

Thank to to all people who commented, I welcome them good and bad! The support the past few days has been impressive and greatly appreciated. I hope that the news story served us nursing momma's proud!

Dig a little deeper

Over to the right of my main page in the "about me" section I state that this blog will likely sometimes piss you off and that's what I'm after. Why would I be after such a thing when I so fiercely wish for us to support our fellow women? Seems like hipocracy doesn't it? Well, it isn't my friends.



I WANT this blog to fuel fire. I want people to read it and think about thier lives, thier decisions, and the future for thier families. There are too many parents in the world who are sabbatoged by friends and family telling them that they HAVE to both work to give thier children the finer things in life, that formula is "just as good" as breastmilk so when the going gets tough, give them a bottle. So these women go to work, they buy formula, and they feel like they are doing what is right for thier families even though deep down they feel forced. I want them to read this and think "you know what? Maybe it IS ok for us to cut down to basic cable, trade the Yukon in for a cheaper vehicle, cut down our eating out so that when our children walk in the door after school they are greeted by a parent. Maybe it IS ok to say "no, formula is not as good as breastmilk and my child will be fed breastmilk, end of story". Maybe, just maybe it's ok. Sometimes just hearing (or seeing) someone else say it's ok is all it takes to empower people.



Then you have the other side of the coin. The people who with every fiber of thier being disagree with me. They feel that 2 working parents provides things for thier children that they wish they had as children. They need the security 2 incomes brings. They WANT to formula feed thier children because they truley beleive that's what is best for thier families and come hell and high water no one is going to challenge these beliefs.



Oddly enough, the second set of women are much easier for me to get along with. I have a dear reader and friend who is one of these women (not necessarily disagreeing with everything I beleive in, but some things). She and I disagree but our friendship hasn't faltered over it ever. She and her husband both work full time, thankfully thier 2 sweet children are cared for by thier grandmother and not daycare, and they have a beautiful home that they love (or at least I think so!) Even though I disagree with her beliefs, I respect them and I respect her security in her decisions.



Does this blog critisize people? Of course it does. You can't have strong opinions about intense subjects and NOT light a fire under some butts. Especially when it comes to parenting. Of all the things you can disagree with passionately, parenting is one of the taboos. I myself take offense when I read an article talking about large families overpopulating the earth, or what-not but being secure in your beliefs and decisions is, at the end of it all, what it's all about.



I currently stand to lose a good friend over my opinions in this blog which saddens me but I won't apologize for my beliefs. Please, anyone disagrees with me I'd love to hear it, but rather than name calling why not educate me instead. Tell me your beliefs and lets teach each other a thing or two...... or just sit down and think for a minute why you take what I say as a personal attack. Do some soul searching on the subject and you might be surprised by what you find.



More later tonight!

Breastfeeding discrimination part 2

Ok so since I've made you wait for more of the still unfolding story I now have to dissapoint you with the fact that part 2 isn't all that interesting, although part 3 will be and hopefully there won't be a part 4 but I'm betting there will be.

So, where was I. Oh yeah, in the car feeding my sweet baby. So after my brilliant husband marches back into the hospital and starts taking names we go around to the main entrance of the building and walk up to the information desk where a friendly and slightly alarmed looking older grandma-type woman called someone for me. We sat in the waiting area and a very nice woman came and took us to a conference room and told us that some people would be in very shortly.

In walk a man and a woman, sorry I don't really have any pet names for them so we'll just call them V and A. V is a rather gangly looking man with a notepad in his hand, A a friendly looking RN whom I'm figuring is slightly more than just an RN by the look of her attire. They asked us what happened and Craig and I told them the whole thing. They were apologetic but neutral, didn't offer much conversation but were nice enough. After taking notes on what we were saying they told me that they felt the priority at the moment was to get me the scan that I had initially came for, so as not to delay my diagnosis and treatment. Fair enough but I didn't really want to go back down there........ understandably.

V was nice enough to arrange for me to be taken directly from the conference room to the CT scan room and Craig and the boys to the CT waiting area. The nurse who did my scan was very nice and it was over quickly. So thankfully I did end up receiving my test after all.

For the past 36 hours or so I've been contemplating what to do about all of this. On one hand I have no reason to suspect that V wasn't going to handle the situation and have a chat with O about it (my initial pet names have been changed so as not to create drama) . But is this one time occurance really the issue at stake? No, it's not. There are a million more "O's" out there doing this every day.

Today while eating out at Burger King (girls from P1, I know you are giggling.......) I found myself very uncomfortable when Nathan had to eat. A feeling I had honsetly NEVER felt before. I had never thought twice about feeding him anywhere, except when he was a newborn and we had weeks of latch issues and feedings were horrid. I looked at my sweet baby, just wanting to eat and the familiarity of being snuggled against mommy and was deeply saddened that our breastfeeding relationship, the cornerstone of the deep bond between my son and I, was now tainted with this stigma. I realized that if I did nothing at all, I was allowing them to take something away from me and my child. I was allowing all the O's and NK's in the world to take this away from other babies and thier mothers. I would never forgive myself for being part of the problem instead of part of the solution.

So after much emotional drainage, on Friday afternoon, a news crew is coming to my house to interview me. I don't hold the hospital as a whole liable and I know that you can't blame an entire organization for the views of one or two of it's members. But I also truly beleive that we have to start somewhere, we have to be an example, and we have to drill into people's heads that without education, these things will continue to happen. So if the hospital has to take some publicity for the wrong doing of thier employees, then that's what has to be done.

I understand completely that this will come at great cost. There ARE a lot of O's and NK's in the world after all and they are bound to disagree with my views, disagree with how I handled it. And I'm ok with that. I will also probably have to leave my pediatrician and midwifery group in an effort to not have to go to that hospital again......... I'm ok with that too. Because you know, if just ONE person at ONE business THINKS about this the next time they see a nursing mother and squirm, knows better than to ask her to go to the ladies room, or put a blanket over her child's head, or to leave the establishment, but instead OFFERS her a secluded area to nurse her baby in, it will have been worth it a million times over.

I have two quotes I think are relevant for tonight and I don't know who to give credit for either of them I'm sorry...

"It is rare for well behaved women to make history"
and
"It's not about my right to breastfeed, it's about my child's right to eat"

Stepping off my soapbox.... if only for a moment to clarify something. I don't want readers of this blog to misunderstand my views on Formula feeding simply based on how passion for breastfeeding. I do not for a moment feel that mothers who formula feed thier babies are bad mothers, uneducated, or selfish mothers. I beleive that as a society we fail moms and babies. I hear all too often in my line of work from mothers the words "I started out breastfeeding but my milk hadn't come in on day 3 and she was starving to death so I got a bottle" or "at about 2 weeks old my milk dried up, I noticed it because she wanted to eat all the time and was very fussy", or the multitude of other comments and it saddens me. If just ONE person took the time to tell the mother that these things can be a normal part of breastfeeding or here's why that's happening the breastfeeding relationship may have been saved, but as a society we tend to just nod our heads and say "oh, yeah you are probably right, give her a bottle so you know she's getting enough". We don't give support and encouragement, we maybe unwittingly fuel the "i couldn't nurse because....." monster. As I've said a million times, we as a society FAIL OUR OWN. Now are there mothers who honestly due to illness, medications, or other reasons CANNOT breastfeed thier babies? Definitely! I don't really understand why some mothers choose to formula feed aside from solid medical or past abuse reasons but do I blame them for it? Nope........... I blame the rest of us. We should all be ashamed of ourselves.

Breastfeeding discrimination at it's best

I've always loved that Alanis Morisette song (yes folks, I am old) anyway, onto the point

How Ironic is it that the day after I create this blog about my opinions....... the day after I email our representative about the status of a breastfeeding in public bill that is being voted on, I find myself the victim of breastfeeding discrimination to a degree that even I could have never imagined. You see, I usually get myself into trouble because I purposely put myself there, today........ trouble slapped me upside the head out of nowhere.

My previous post mentioned a CT scan I was scheduled for this morning. Got my not-so-happy ass up at 6am, we got all 6 kids up and fed and dressed and over to a friends by 7, and pulled into the hospital parking lot at 8:10. I was due to have radioisotope dye injected into me so I wanted to nurse Nathan before I went in since I couldn't for 24 hours following (not really true as per studies done on the subject, but better safe than sorry).

Since I needed to be there at 8:15 I grabbed him out of his carseat and fed him as I walked in, before leaving my car I made sure that my shirt was tucked down around his mouth and I tucked a receiving blanket under my arm so not even the skin on my side would show. I'm not the type to just go flashing my floppy ta-ta's for everyone to see after all.....

I walk in there and was surprised that I didn't even get the chance to sit down before being ushered into the registration room. I signed the consent to treat forms and the lady got a phone call and when she was finished she said I could stay in there for a few minutes and they would come get me.... how nice of her.......... right? Little did I know they were assembling a team of "hide the lady doing that god awful thing called feeding her baby" tyrants just outside the door.

The lady who initially had brought me to the room, let's just call her NK, came in and told me to follow her, they were taking me to a private room. Well jeez, this is some service! I'm still oblivious to the apparent seriousness the situation to the extent I ask her if I can take the baby with me for now and she tells me yes. ( stupid Kat, they don't offer private rooms to everyone, just ladies doing that god awful thing called feeding thier babies) We walk through the waiting area and I notice a man, whom I had not yet met, now leading the group that was NK, me with Nate, Jack, then Craig pushing the stroller. We barely exit the doorway when a lady appears from the left saying in a rather panicked tone "there's PEOPLE down the hall". People? in the hall? is this an extraordinary event?

The man, lets just for no other reason than to be sassy call him O*. Just for fun. Ok? Still with me? So O stops abruptly, NK* (is that even how you spell that? hmm, someone leave the correct spelling in my comments will ya?) ........... ok so NK* nearly runs into him, I nearly run into her.... Nathan, poor baby, almost became a little bitty sweet sandwich, Craig gets out the door with Jack and steps beside me, Jack between us.

Now, I'm still slightly stupified. I'm beginning to realize that this is not the way they treat everybody. Maybe they think I'm famous?

O* and NK* turn around, now facing me side by side. The door has closed behind me, it's a bit cramped in this big ole hallway.

So O* finally speaks. He says to me "we are taking you to a private room but there are people down the hall"...... silly me, I actually thought this fine gentleman, who glancing at his name tag I find out is the director of Radiology, is THIS concerned about MY comfort when nursing my child, bless him and his dear christian soul......

So me, being stupid, said "Oh, I don't mind!" to which I heard in reply........ "But other people DO"............ Ooooooh.................... you didn't.............. did you actually just say that?............ I have this 8 second mental monolog (ok, another one I can't spell).

He then asks me if I want a blanket. For a second I had that flash of fear, you know the fear you get when your having that "i just realized I'm naked at the prom" dream? And I look down certain my boob, colon, or something is hanging out............. whew, nothing is........... oooh they mean do I want to put a blanket over my childs head! Yeah, no.

I tell them that I dont' eat with a blanket over my head, and my son doesn't either. In a very hard to muster sickeningly sweet voice. I start to take a step forward and O* and NK* take thier own step TOWARD me, crowding all 5 of us in about 3 feet of space. The door is closed behind me, there's a wall to my left, Craig with the stroller is to my right, and O* and NK* are almost counting my nose hairs. I'm TRAPPED and slightly confused.

Then IT happens. I don't know why this happens, I really don't. I HATE when it happens.......... I started to cry. Shut up, I'm a girl we do that sometimes. So I try my best to fight back the tears and NK* , bless her heart...... for a second pretends her soul isn't overtaken by satan and puts her hand on my shoulder. To which O* did something that completely and totally made me realize that this wasn't going to end pretty. He actually reached out, removed her hand from my shoulder, held it down and stepped between she and I! Can you imagine? For a second I felt a small twinge of sympathy for the poor old bat, her own boss treating her that way! Then I realized that it was myself, and not her that was facing trial by fire at the moment and snapped out of it.

O* is now about 2 inches from Nathan's body. WAYYYYYYY invading my comfort bubble. I start to panic. I say that breastfeeding is natural. He agrees but says that people are bothered by it. I am now sobbing like someone stole my birthday (oh hey, can someone please do that? I dont' wanna turn 31) I ask him "can YOU see anything?" I mean after all, if someone is close enough to count your nose hairs, they ought to have front row seats to the tit show right? He tells me "no........ but other people"

Ok cracker-jack, what people? The people with the x-ray vision? have you spent so much time in the radiology department that your brain shriveled up along with your testicles? Do patients in this unit have superman powers? ................

Did I say any of these clever and witty things? Sadly, no. I just stood there, tears running down my face, absolutely dumbfounded. Here I am, stuck in the corner, nowhere to go, O* and NK* staring me down with thier x-ray vision, a baby on my boob whom I now cannot remove without O* seeing way more than I want him to, stuck. Finally I mustered up the voice to simply state that I was going somewhere else then and pushed past NK* and went to the care where I finished feeding Nathan while sobbing uncontrollably. Craig was right behind me with Jack and then went back in and started writing down names, bless him and his good thinking.

Nathan is up, part 2 of the story tomorrow
*- Nicknames have been changed from original posting to protect the innocent (me) from further problems.......... well, ok, one further problem

Radioactive dye anyone?

So tomorrow morning at 8:15am sharp (yeah right, I know hospitals the work on a different clock than the rest of us) I get to be injected with radioactive dye and stuck into a doughnut shaped machine that will put thousands of xrays into parts very close to some of the most favorite parts I own. Anyone wanna join me?

Didn't think so. Ok so I often browse CNN and MSNBC online and have a laugh at some of the headlines and stories. I think it would be fun if I made this a nightly thing on my blog....... my takes on the news.

Gas at record high again- Well there's something new. Supply and demand.
Oh how I wish I had stock in oil. Do you have any idea how much money it costs to fill a 42 gallon gas tank? No, didn't think so. That's ok........... I like walking anyway. I heard the dumbest thing on the news the other night. The station did an online poll asking people if gas prices would affect them going on vacation this summer......... 60% said no. Think about that for a minute will you........... out of 100 people that would go on vacation this summer, FOURTY of them aren't going! And even the 60 that ARE going, do you think they will be spending money at little mom and pop touristy shops? Patronizing our rowdy little hick taverns? Going out for dinners at our struggling restaraunts who also get hit with the gas gouge in the form of food delivery costs? I don't think so. So those 60 will be here, but they won't be buying anything....... something tells me the word DEPRESSION is going to have a whole new meaning soon.

Sound sleeper snoozes through gunshot wound to the head - Seriousely people. I would think getting shot in the head would be a preeeeeeetty darn good reason to GET YOUR ASS OUT OF BED!

Viagra helps jet-lagged hamsters recover faster - Should I even contemplate what would have made some scientist think of Viagra when suffering jet lag? Yeah I think I'll just clear that one from my fragile mind.

Goo from patients blood may help speed healing- Yeah, it's called PLATELETS genius.......

Just a few of those for tonight. I'm actually rather tired. Did anyone watch Oprah today? the tapeworm? Does anyone wonder if they might have one of those swimming around in thier gut right now.......... can you almost FEEL it? Do you want to hit me yet?

Welcome to my world

Welcome to my world
I've had a few blogs. 1 on Diaryland and most currently my yahoo 360 blog. I've decided to move over here for the options and to change things up a little. I consider myself A little crunchy, what does that mean? Well it means that while I don't totally devote myself to tree hugging, I don't hesitate to hug a tree that tickles my fancy. I have very strong opinions about things and consider myself well educated about what I beleive in.

Breastfeeding- I consider myself a "lactivist". What the heck is a lactivist you ask? Well it's simple, I advocate a babies right to be breastfed. I am adamant about my belief that babies were made to be, have a right to be, and ought to be breastfed. I beleive that there are very few scenarios where a baby cannot be breastfed and that the whole "it takes a village to raise a child" theory comes into play, we as a society FAIL our babies by not supporting, educating, and advocating breastfeeding.

Baby wearing and absolutely no Crying it out- aka spoiling. At least that's what I'm told. I think our babies are placed from our wombs to our arms terrified. We need to earn thier trust. In order to do that we need to meet thier needs, even if those needs interfere with what we want or need. I honestly beleive this creates well adjusted human beings who are secure in thier knowledge that every need will be met or at least attempted by the people who are here to care for them.

I beleive in large families. I don't buy the "overpopulation" theory, quite the contrary in fact. I beleive the world is running out of good citizens in a hurry........ which is why I strive to make more! I don't beleive that pumping our bodies full of hormonal birth controls is good for us for a second, and suspect that the use of these drugs creates fertility issues for our children and our children's children.

I believe daycare is an abomination- When a family has 2 parents one of them should be at home raising the children. I don't care which it is, a father can do as good a job as a mother at this extremely important endeavor. I beleive that the choice to put your children in daycare for monetary reasons is selfish. I beleive that there are good reasons to work, to provide food, shelter, clothing, education, and medical care for your family, but I don't beleive that in order to do this 2 parents must work. I think the choice for 2 parents to work is a choice of luxury and convenience, you don't need a DVR, you dont' need a new sofa, you don't need a cell phone, you want them......... and your children want YOU!

I'll give you that much to chew on for the time being. If you regularly read this blog I hope you become enlightened, interested, and even angry at times. This blog will be a place for me to unleash my views on the world and you might not always like them, in fact I'm sure you may hate them sometimes but that's ok......... anger doesn't always breed more anger, sometimes it breeds action. Happy reading!

living without Alex 3-16-07

FRIDAY, MARCH 16, 2007 09:08 AM, CDT

This post was moved from Alex's original blog


I always thought that today, the first anniversary of Alex's death that I'd have something extremely profound to post here. I don't. So I'd like to just remember for a moment. Remember a day that will be hard for me to remember and hard for you to read.

I knew. I knew days before. I don't know how I knew but I did. I talked to my friend Brandy on Monday about it. I kept telling myself that I was being stupid, he'd be fine.

I saw so many other babies get better. I saw their chests closed, I saw thier mothers hold them.

I felt the need for the other kids to come and see Alex. That didn't happen because they got sick. I so badly now wish they had.

That day, that phone call. Hearing those words "Alexander has taken a turn for the worse, please come" I knew then. There's something strangly frightening in those things you know without being told.

I ran. I ran through the snow until I couldn't breathe. I ran some more. I ran into the hospital and waited for an eternity for those stupid elevators. I ran through the halls....... I wanted to run the other way. I got to the unit and I took the back way to his room, subconciousely I knew if I ran past the desk someone would try to stop me. I needed to go in there, I needed to see.

I ran into the room and saw 2 of our doctors standing on either side of Craig. I'm not sure if the room was silent or if I just wasn't hearing the chaos that was going on, I don't remember hearing anything. It must have been loud though because I had to holler Craig's name 3 or 4 times before one of the doctors heard me, I was standing right next to him.

I didn't look at Alex's bed. I asked if he was coding and was told yes. I had always envisioned breaking down hearing words like that, I was running on pure adrenaline I guess because I was very matter of fact about it.

They wanted more tests. We all knew it was futile. I'm glad we did those tests though.

We go back into Alex's room. The nurse is doing chest compressions. I look down at his little body and see his chest ripped back open. I can see the metal clips holding his sternum together. The mama bear in me took over, stop hurting him! I looked at the nurses teary face and told her to stop, she looked at the dr who nodded his head and lifted her hands off his chest. I kissed Alex and told him I loved him, so did Craig. He was already gone, his soul was gone to heaven long ago. Someone turned the monitor off. That monitor had been my lifeline for so long, my information station. The only real consistant thing I had, that was probably the most real thing, seeing that monitor go black.

I sat down and she put Alex in my arms. The most primal emotions took over and I cried like I have never before in my life. I wailed, I couldn't breathe. So many thoughts filled my head and then were replaced by new and sometimes conflicting ones in seconds. I was strangely relieved. I kept saying in my head "it's over, it's finally over" and then guilt for thinking that would come. For once his peace didn't come from a medicine pump, his chest didn't forcefully move up and down in the unnatural way a ventilator breathes. He was at peace, for the first time ever.

they asked if we wanted a private room. I couldn't bear to move from HIS space. I felt like if we moved then that started the change and I wasn't ready for the change just yet. I needed to do it slowly, one step at a time.

Telling the kids was excrutiating. Watching their hearts break in two. Watching them hold his tiny body. Shaylin's words "momma he's cold" will ring in my head forever and ever.

I wanted to stay forever and hold him but I coudln't. The physical changes were setting in and I didn't want to remember him that way. I said goodbye and laid him on the bed that he had laid on for the past 6 weeks, in his little blue pajamas and hat, the only clothes he'd ever worn. I turned around and walked away. I walked away from him. I had always refused to leave the cities without him, and now I had to.

I left a peice of my soul there too.

Living without Alex 1-27-07

SATURDAY, JANUARY 27, 2007 04:26 PM, CST

This post was moved from Alex's blog


One year ago at this very time my body began the process of birthing you. As I sit here holding your brand new brother in my arms I still hold a hurt in my heart. All the hope and joy we felt one year ago still haunts me. We had no idea what a roller coaster ride we were in for and today it's all very surreal.

Thank you Alex for helping your brother into this world safely. We can see your spirit and determination in him already. Thank you for the gift that you and god gave us. A part of you lives on...

Happy birthday sweet boy. I love you and miss you to the depths of my soul.

Living without Alex 7-21-06

FRIDAY, JULY 21, 2006 12:15 PM, CDT
It has come to my attention that folks are feeling a bit cut off since I abruptly ended this journal. Although I continue to feel that this chapter of our lives must be closed I would like to invite you all to keep up with us in a different way.

I have been chosen to be a journalist for StorkNet online. So I invite you to follow our new pregnancy on that site.

www.storknet.com

Scroll down to the bottom where it says Journals and you will find "Kat's pregnancy after loss journal". I update it weekly.

Thank you all again for your continued support!

living withought alex 7-9-06

SUNDAY, JULY 09, 2006 05:54 PM, CDT
This will be the final entry to this site. I want to thank everyone who has been reading this for the past few months, your prayers, your tears, your love has not gone unnoticed. People we know, and some we don't have been so touched by our sweet angel boy and our journey and we have been honored to share it with you.

In conclusion, a little something I wrote.

Sometimes........

Sometimes I am scared, scared that I will lose again, scared that my memories will slip away.

Sometimes I am angry, angry that such a beautiful person was taken too soon, angry that I didn't get to watch you grow up.

Sometimes I am grateful, grateful that we had those weeks with you, even though we couldn't hold you, you were there within our grasp showing us wonders that we had not yet been worthy to experience.

Sometimes I am sad, sad because I miss you so much my heart hurts.

Sometimes I am guilty, guilty because I might have been able to change things if I had only known

Sometimes I am happy, remembering how your strength and spirit filled the room, seeing you do it your way regardless of the "rules".

Sometimes I cry, I cry tears of sadness, I cry tears of heartbreak, and every now and then I cry tears of gratitude.

Sometimes I hope. I hope that I was a good mother to you even though the obstacles made it difficult for me to be a proper mother. I also hope that I can be half the person you were.

There are a lot of "sometimes". But there is one "always" and that is...... Always I will love you.

I know that time in heaven goes so fast, by the time you turn around to see if I am there with you, I will be. You feel no pain, you feel no fear. When I look up at the night sky and see that one brightest star, I imagine you sitting on it looking down on us and giving us your strength that we can go on without you. I may never understand, but at least I can wake up each morning knowing that nothing can ever take you from my heart.

I love you Alex, and I misse you terribly. For once in my life I'm not afraid to die, when it's my time someday I know that I will forever be with you again.

Alexanders birth story part 4

Part 4:

Please read the previous 3 entries before this!

The next day my mother arrived with the children so they could see thier brother again before we headed to Minnesota the next morning. It was probably the least stressfull day of the whole adventure since they didn't do anything to Alex, only let him rest and spend time with us. We got a room at the Ronald McDonald House that night and were urged to take advantage of what would be our last night of decent sleep in what turned out to be a very long time.

Monday morning we arrived at the hospital at 7am to spend time with Alex before his scheduled 8am flight. Unfortunately the flight team arrived EARLY and we got nothing more than to say goodbye to him and stand back as they worked to prepare him for his flight. Equipment had to be changed over, sedation begun, reports read, checklists checked. They loaded him once again into an incubator and Alex left for the airport for a ride on his "private" jet.

Craig and I left to start our own journey. We drove to my moms to pick the kids up and bring them home to get clothes and belongings for what we figured would be a couple weeks' stay at grandmas house and Craig and I loaded up our clothes and stuff. We brought the kids back and hurried back out onto the road to go to Minneapolis. The trip was fine but we eneded up getting lost and ending up across the river from where we needed to be because everyone assumed that a newborn would be in the NICU, he wasn't he was in the PICU which was about a mile away in a complete different building! We finally arrived at the right place at I beleive 6-7pm. Unfortunately we had by then missed the doctor but another cardiologist offered to go over with us Alex's condition and the game plan for him. We learned more details about the extent of Alex's defects and were told that they would do a procedure called heart catheterization the following day to get an even better look and then surgery would be scheduled. Alex would be the one in charge of when surgery would be, they would follow his lead but the sooner the better.

The hospital made arrangements for us that night for a hotel room nearby and put us on the waiting list for the RMH, we were told that people sometimes wait WEEKS to get into RMH. We didn't really care, we'd sleep in the car if it came down to that. We just couldn't worry about anything aside from Alex's life at that point.

To read the day by day journal entries I made while Alex was in the hospital click the "Alexander's life" link to the right in the labels section.

Alex's birth story part 3

SUNDAY, JULY 09, 2006 05:21 PM, CDT
Part 3:

Please read the 2 previous entries before this one!

The drive to Marshfield seemed to take a year. On the way we called everyone we knew and asked for prayers and told them the news, Alex probably wouldn't make it to Marshfield.

We spent the drive in silence. The radio was on but the only song I heard was "Jesus take the wheel" since it was repeating over and over in my head. I kept using it to push out the thoughts that were trying to invade, the thoughts of my baby being dead. How was I going to do this?!

About 30 minutes outside of Marshfield Craig's phone rang. I looked at the number and didn't recognize it. I knew what that meant, it was the hospital. Frozen with fear I handed the phone to Craig. I don't think I took a breath until he hung up and told me the news. Alex was at the hospital,. intubated and doing FINE! I again called everyone to let them know the good news! Hope started to creep in again and I don't think I stopped grinning and talking Craig's ear off the rest of the trip.

We arrived at the hospital and found our way to the NICU. We were greeted there by a very tall doctor who introduced him as the neonatologist caring for Alex tonight, he told us that he had gotten him intubated with no problems and started a medication to help his heart. The cardiologist was in with him now doing an echocardiogram on his heart and would see us in the waiting room as soon as she was done.

We went to the waiting room and spent 30 nervewracking minutes waiting to hear for the first time, what was really wrong with our son. Again time seemed to stand still.

Finally she came in and drew us a picture of what was wrong with Alex's heart. She told us our options and we made arrangements to transport him to the U of MN since this hospital he was at didn't preform pediatric cardiac surgery any longer. We were led into Alex's room that he shared with 3 other babies, at 4 lbs 14 oz he was the biggest baby in the room and the only one in an open bed. Aside from the ventilator he looked actually out of place there. His color was much better, the medicine they had given him opened his ductus arteriosis which allowed him to get the oxygen to his blood that he needed. My brother arrived and we spent some time with him before getting some sleep, the hospital was nice enough to supply us a room in the maternity ward just down the hall for the night.

On to part 4.....