Adjusting to life without Alex

THURSDAY, MARCH 30, 2006 12:38 PM, CST
What is normal? We are really trying to figure out what 'normal' is for our family now. It seems like the past year is just such a blur, trying to conceive Alex, the pregnancy was so boring and uneventful (haha, little stinker) and the roller coaster ride that has been 2006.

I feel like we are adjusting well. I feel like we have really grabbed ahold of the lessons we've been taught and are starting to implement them into our lives and you know, life is really a whole lot less stressfull when you stop trying to direct it and just LIVE it. Things that use to seem like such issues are now just so trivial although Craig still is in his 'must worry about the little insignificant things so I don't have to consume myself with the big ones' mode of thought, but he'll come around.

Some days are good. Some days not so much. Sometimes we'll have a day that seems good and then something out of the blue will smack you upside the head and send you spinning for an hour or two until you work through it, shed your tears and find that place in your soul where it's ok again. I don't like being knocked out of my 'happy place' I must say. But I know that these moments are needed, they are part of the healing process and if I don't have them now, they will come back to haunt me later.

People have started asking THE question. You know the one, the one you are thinking right now....

Are we going to try again? Then answer to that is that it is not for us to say whether or not God has more children planned for us. I figure if I can leave my precious sons life in Gods hands, I can leave a lot of other things there too. So, who's to say what the lord has in store? We aren't rich people but the old 'Ask and ye shall receive' hasn't failed us yet and I don't think God intends to start. So many people dwell on what they can't provide and tend to forget that children aren't expensive, lifestyles and keeping up with the Jones' is what will get you.

Are we afraid of repeating the process? Terrified. But that's not our call to make. We have faith in God's almighty plan and he alone knows what is best for us in our lives.

I've been told by a couple of different people that I should write a book about the lessons that Alex has taught. Someday I might. I plan to keep updating this site and getting it all out as it comes and then someday I'll see what I'm called to do with it. I know Alex's life has and will continue to impact many people, I just need to find the direction that I am suppose to go with it.

Yesterday Craig, Jack, and I stopped at the cemetary on our way back from grocery shopping. As we were leaving I said 'bye bubba' Craig said 'bye buddy' and so Jack says 'bye bubbie' it was rather cute. Jack seems to have a better handle on it all now. He told us that baby Lex is sleeping in heaven with Jesus. We've been talking a lot about heaven and God and things and I really think he's beginning to understand.
The other kids seem to be doing remarkably well. Shaylin I've noticed has regressed a bit. She's now afraid of the dark and gets frustrated very easily, she's at that age where she is just beginning to realize that she is an independant person from us and Alex's death I think has made her realize her own mortality, that it's not just old people that go to heaven, sometimes children do to. What a hard lesson to learn at her age.