Living without Alex 5-18-06

THURSDAY, MAY 18, 2006 10:59 PM, CDT
hmmm. After reading the latest entry in our guestbook I am left pondering. Are my posts in this journal painting an accurate picture? Or am I just not seeing the accurate picture myself?

I'm not sure if that makes any sense or not. What I mean is, do these entries make me sound more depressed and grief stricken than I feel like I am, or am I really THAT depressed and grief stricken and I am the only one who can't see it?

You see, I actually think I'm doing fairly well. The bear project, the warm spring weather, and doing things outside with the kids have been keeping me busy, and happy lately. Sometimes I feel guilty almost, like I shouldn't be as 'settled' as I am with all of this. Am I just lost? Am I really battling demons so deep that everyone can see it but me? I'm not sure.

To the person who posted the last entry, thank you for your concern. I could tell it wasn't accusatory, but rather genuine and I thank you for that. The kids are doing well, I am very proud of them.

As far as antidepressants, I am not one of those people that thinks badly of them. There was a time when I needed them to get things under control and If that time comes again, I will. I do remember though that although they helped me to deal with things better, they also made it difficult for me to express my emotions,, and I really think that is important as of now. I'm told there are phases of grief, and a book I read said that if you dont' allow yourself to go through them, they will come back to haunt you. So I think it's important that I grieve properly, which, at least with my history I don't think is possible on medication.

Counseling may be an option, but I'm not entirely certain at this point anyway that it's needed. I fear it will just keep me in those depressing moments to talk them to death if you know what I mean. Alex is gone, there isnt' anything I can do to bring him back and I'm trying to pick myself up and carry on, and up until right now I had been sure I was doing a decent job of it, but maybe I'm deceiving myself. hmmmmm

I will have to spend some time thinking about this.