Dear mommy

I gotta share what Alex (through his daddy) wrote me on his third birthday January 28 th.

Dear mommy,

Today is a day I know makes you very sad. Every day I look down on you and see your pain, I only wish I could take that away and make you feel better. When I look at you I know how much of a great mommy you are and how much you love mr, I love you too!

I felt your love every day when you held my hand or rubbed my head, admiring my great hair, something dad wishes he had. Her her.

I think you are a great mommy to my brothers and sisters, and I love them too.

I might not be there physically but spiritually I am always with you and in your heart...... Always.

Grandpa, grandpa, and all our other relatives are here watching over me and to be honest with you...... I like to make them chase me around and try to keep me out of trouble.... Ha ha, that will never happen.

I know we will be together again when you're done taking care of my brothers and sisters. Don't ever give up hope and remember, I will always love you!

Alexander

P.s.
Don't tell grandpa I snuck away to write this, he doesn't understand these new things called computers. "farm finagaling techno thingamabobbers" as he calls them;)

-- Post From My iPhone

I know I said I wouldn't

But I did. You see, I found it utterly reduculous that I had to resort to having twitter AND facebook over there in my sidebar because twitter didn't post actual pics and facebook was slow and cut off my updates. So, I bought an iPhone app for my blog so I can blog when I am inspired instead of having to wait til I'm home because usually by then my inspiration is gone. Plus being able to show you all pics of what were doing AS were doing it is priceless.

So I forked over my whopping $2.99 and bought BlogPress app. So far I'm liking it.

And just to make sure it does what I need it to... I give you a price I've entitled "biker look gone wrong".

And my cutie in his new specs " that the damn dog already chewed on)









-- Post From My iPhone

Wanna see something grossely awesome?

K, Big warning here. If you are at all queasy at the sight of blood and gore please do not venture off where my linkage will take you. If you have an aversion to all things medical, better just go about your business elsewhere. But if you, like me, have a skewed perspective on gory and unusual, please by all means go check out what mamahen's boy did to himself. Because this is just too creepy not to share.

http://mamahen15.blogspot.com/2009/04/gruesome-pictures-of-jaces-leg-not-for.html

What has become of the blog

I think I mentioned that I seriousely puffy heart blogs. I frequently search out new blogs to add to my list of reads. Blogs give you a glimpse into someone's life, people share things on blogs they may never discuss with a group of people face to face.

But let me tell you what I hate. I hate clicking on a blog link and being confronted with so many ads, gadgets, and other junk that without a little searching and crossing and uncrossing your eyes a few times you can't even find the BLOG in the blog!

Now I find no fault with those who do their best to bring in a little revenue from their blog or who desire huge numbers of readers per day. But seriousely? Bring the blog back people!

It also seems that when otherwise wonderful bloggers get caught up in the ads and gadgets and junk something is lost in their writing. Suddenly they are very censored and politically correct and boring.

It's sad I tell you. Sad

Or maybe you think I'm completely off base and love a blog with lots of ads to click and product reviews and what-not.... I don't know. Tell me about your blog preferences, I'd love to hear em!

For all of us moms of cute kids!

Ok, so I know there will be someone who's child walked, talked, and ate steak with their 6 teeth at 1 month old that will be offended by this, but this is for the rest of us.

I use to have this friend who compared EVERYTHING about our kids. Her kids always walked sooner, talked sooner, ate strained vegetables sooner. To hear it, you'd think they were reciting their ABC's at birth and penned their first memoir just in time for their first birthday. This friend was always doing her best to make me feel that my children weren't up to par because they walked "late", talked "late", etc. I long ago became comfortable with them hitting these milestones when they were perfectly ready to do so, but admittedly felt that mama bear twinge at every "MY child should show YOUR child how to do it" she muttered.

So, while listening to the radio yesterday I had to laugh. I laughed so hard my Dr pepper came straight out my nose. which stings y'all (but not as bad as tequila, which is a story for another day). I laughed so hard I had tears in my eyes and my makeup smeared so bad I was a hot mess all day long. But it was worth it.

The guy on the radio talked about this research project that was done in some remote safari or something off the coast of Africa. He noticed that the ugly offspring in any given litter seemed to become independant sooner than the attractive offspring, and offspring of less attractive parents (who were as such less than Ideal themselves) became independant sooner than the attractive offspring of attractive parents.

He also noticed that uglier offspring tended to be pushed out of the nest sooner than attractive offspring and were the last to be moved to safety in the event of a predator approaching.

He surmised that these ugly offspring, by some genetic prompt, became independant sooner because of the risk of being abandoned by their parents.

So, the next time someone else's kid is walking at 9 months and yours is still happily crawling? You can turn and walk away with a smile, knowing it's because your kid is cuter.

Damn I love technology!

I think I'm a little spoiled. See, I bought the new Iphone 3G about a month ago and ever since then I've found my patience dwindling. My Iphone has pretty much let me do everything from it so effortlessly (except of course send picture messages, since the Iphone doesn't support MMS messaging..... WTF, I thought any phone built after like 1999 had MMS???) that I just want to be able to do most everything from it. I don't even use the computer to check my email anymore, even that is so much more simplified on my phone.

Which brings me to my bane. My blog. In a perfect world I would have a wonderful blogger app on my phone that let me simply load the latest picture and update on my fam in seconds. But I haven't been able to find a good, simple FREE app (I refuse to pay for apps). My Facebook app lets me upload a picture and type a quick "what I'm doin" in about 10 seconds. That's what I need people, because 10 seconds is usually all I have. And I'm addicted to facebook. ADDICTED. Facebook is my brand of heroin people, i'm telling you.

So I got twitter, thinking well this is pretty cool. I can post updates in twitter and they show up on my sidebar. And it's pretty easy to attach a picture too. Except people can't just see the picture there on my page, they have to click the link.

This is still ok but I about fell over today when a friend told me that Facebook has this same functionality. Where, what, huh?

After some googling I finally found it. Badges.

So, on the right side of my blog you'll see my facebook junk. It's suppose to post my status updates and photos I upload, and hey if you really want to you can click it and add me to your circle of Facebook friends. I'm cool with that.

Here's the thing. I did a test status update and photo upload about 20 minutes ago and it's still not on my blog! Did I mention I have little patience?

So, for now the twitter one is staying put until I figure out how I screwed up this Facebook badge or if it really just doesn't update very often. Maybe while I wait for it to update I'll look on my phone again for a great Blogger app.

Kat's faves of the week

So, I read a TON of blogs. Seriousely all I do online is schoolwork, facebook, and blogs. Why? I'm a people watcher and since going to the mall with 6 kids and people watching isn't all that feasable without a few shots of whiskey down the old hatch first, I people watch by reading blogs.

I've decided to share some of them with you so every week I'll be linking to some blogs that knock my socks off.

If you have a blog I'd love to read it! Leave a comment to any post with your blog addy in it and I'll visit, And it may even end up featured in my faves.

This week I was so moved by little Jonah's sweet baby face despite what must be a very painful condition

On the flipside, This chick makes me laugh til I pee myself. More than once I've had to read her posts to Craig because I just cannot contain such brilliance in my own head.

Loook over there ----->

So, now you can keep up with what I'm doing ALL DAY LONG. That nifty thing on my sidebar plus my twitter app for my Iphone will keep you and I connected in ways we never dreamed. How awesome is that? If any of you are twits (just had to say it) too add me, mom2angelalex. Now you'll never miss a beat of my ever exciting and event filled life (or lack thereof).

A Hailey-ism

So, My darling teenage daughter calls me a minute ago from her cell phone. A glimpse at the mind of a 13 year old.

Hailey: Mom, guess what? (that's how she starts every conversation)

Me: What?

Hailey: I just figured out that I can put my whole fist in my mouth

Me: *silence*

Hailey: I really can.

Me: uh, that's great.....

Hailey: Grandma told me I should try to put my foot in my mouth

Me: Hailey you put your foot in your mouth all the time

Hailey: I do not!

Me: *laughs*

Hailey: ................ huh? I don't get it

God love her.

Of tummy aches and asshats

I know. Two posts from me in the same day. Did you think you'd ever see it again? I most certainly didn't. But here I am, at 10pm typing in my blog about absolutely nothing.

I have a belly ache. For days... DAYS. I'm pretty sure at this point that I have some horrible tumor in my colon that's going to have to be hacked out leaving me carrying a colostomy bag around for the rest of my life flinging poo at strangers because a colostomy would most certainly make me suddenly go batshit crazy very quickly. Dr Google helps me diagnose myself, his accuracy is questionable but it fuels my need to walk around an effing nutcase from anxiety as I'm prone to enjoy doing so I consult Dr Google on a regular basis. Last month I had a bruise on my leg that I was almost certain was some horrible disease from the Congo that I must have aquired from the shopping cart handle at the supermarket until I remembered that whacking my knee on the cabinet at work, in THAT spot, was a more logical explanation. I know, logic.... who would have thought...

There's something else bothering me as of late. (like that? it sounds smart doesn't it). And that something is the fact that I seem to be the only person on the planet that can see the obvious on a regular basis. Take, for instance this situation.

Ok, so you have a school, and that school has classrooms. Still with me? Ok, cause there's a lot of details so pay attention. Now, this school has this nifty thing called a school board whose job it is to make sure all the goings on of the school go on. Simple enough, no? Ok, so these school board members must be paid generous salaries because well, they ARE the God's of the school district you see. The decision makers and all.

So. These school board members sometimes don't make the best decisions and as such parents, who pay the taxes to support the school and all, choose to take their children and put them in other schools. The government sees this happening and says whoa tiny school district, you just got tinier and now we must cut your funding and give that money to the districts that are growing because of your dumbass decisions (ok, so maybe they use different words, I don't know).

So now the Gods of the school district are faced with a new dilemma. How are we going to keep our school running? A logical person might say "well Mr schoolboard God, you might consider limiting salaries of overpaid administrators, you know.... for the sake of the children and their education and all". But no, we don't pay the schoolboard God's to be LOGICAL, that would be......... well, logical, no?

Oh no, we couldn't possibly do that. So the school district God's come up with an even BETTER idea. These teachers, if we get rid of a few of these teachers then we will have the money to line our pockets with. WONDERFUL idea!

So they fire... er "retire" a few teachers.

Wonderful.... but uh oh, new problem. What will we do with the CHILDREN those teachers taught? Good lord what a dilemma.

But wait! The school district Gods' say. If we get creative we can fit DOUBLE the desks into schoolrooms! So they take classroom sizes and double them. THERE! That will work!

Oooooh now we have these extra classrooms that aren't being used. The parents aren't going to be too happy about that, seeing their child in a classroom crammed with 30 students while rooms sit empty... they won't like that at all.

So the school district Gods stew and ponder and ponder and stew. And finally they come up with an ingenius idea! Let's use those classrooms as a DAYCARE CENTER! This will be wonderful. In incorporating a daycare center inside the school building we will certainly put other daycares in the community out of business, then we can charge more than they did anyway which will benefit our personal bank accounts tremendousely!

Gosh, how did we get so smart! THEN we can hold fundraisers and raise money for the daycare and get even MORE money! We will charge parents $5.00 an hour to take care of their children and then we will make them feel sorry for us needing equipment and ask that they purchase goods to raise MORE money to buy things for our new cash cow. But we must be careful not to boast our profits, for it will serve us much better to convince the community to feel sorry for us. We can't let on that parents are removing their children from this district at lightening speed because of horrible budgeting and self serving professionals. NO WAY! We must keep it on the down low so that the people of this community, who were dumb enough to elect us in the first place beleive that the districts problems were beyond our control, or better yet we can convince them that they don't exist at all!

Drug problem? What drug problem? Doesn't exist.
School violence? Well that doesn't exist here either!
A middle school principal that isn't necessary because the high school principal (schools are in one building) just came from a school where he was principal to both of these schools put together times 4? No one will notice that!
Administrative salaries growing at a faster rate than that of teachers? Nah, they won't catch that either!

Why didn't anyone think of this before? Since we are offering such a generous service to the community certainly no one will notice that we are stuffing 30 children into a classroom or that we have "retired" a few good teachers. No one will notice at all!

Because apparently we're idiots. Idiots being led by the blind and walking into traffic regardless. Entrusting much more than just our tax dollars to people who have no regard for anything but their own agenda.

Working moms

These past few years have been a place of finding myself, of figuring out who I am and what I beleive is right and living my life to reflect that.

It's amazing to me how some things have not changed and some things have nearly done a 180. One of those things is my views on working moms.

Now, I still beleive daycare is an abomination. I doubt that will ever change. It still saddens me to my core to think of tiny children, 6 week old infants even being dropped off at some commercial building to spend their day with someone who's mere "job" it is to care for them and how many others. Now, I don't put at home daycares completely in the same category as daycare centers in that at home daycare providers seem, from what I've seen, to develop a very close bond with the children they care for and see taking those children into their lives as part of their lives, not the job they punch the time clock on from 9-5. At the end of the day though, at home or commercial daycare is still a near stranger going through the motions of parenting without the deep emotional connection only a mother, grandmother, aunt, etc can have.


Being a working mom myself now, and realizing the fullfillment my job gives me on a personal and professional level my views have softened. I now have learned that having something that makes YOU feel fullfilled can make you a better asset to your family. Whatever that may be. Although my husband and I both work we still do whatever it takes to make sure our children do NOT set foot in daycare. We keep them surrounded by people who love them, who, even if there was no pay involved would still be just as happy to devote the time to them. Craig is very fortunate to be able to tweak his schedule when needed to fill in some overlap and on the average week where there is one day we both work the same shift his mother has been coming to spend time with the kids. It's an amazing gift, as she hasn't been able to spend a whole lot of time with them through their childhoods, she's getting to know them, and them her, on a whole new level.

I still don't beleive that both parents should work full time if they don't need to for financial or insurance reasons. There are many things one can do WITH their children that are fulfilling and meet the need of keeping your own interests. But I no longer beleive that working outside the home is such a horrible thing, if every effort is made to keep time in daycare at an absolute minimum.

Seems like it's been pretty much forever since I've posted any pictures here. Y'all, school is kicking my butt. Some days I feel like if someone throws just one more pin in, the lot I'm juggling will crash. On the other hand..... I like it. I like being busy, I like having a purpose and a schedule and things I need to do. As much as I loved being a SAHM it's nice to be busy.


Let me introduce you to my newest lil nephew (what's with the testosterone in this family, anyway?) Ethan Walter. He was born on March 9th which is his grandmommy in heaven's birthday. Here dad was helping mom into the shower after birth and I seized the opportunity to cuddle and blind the dear child with camera flash. As you can see, he's pretty much saying "one more time lady, and I shove Mr Nikon where the sun don't shine".... yeah, he's a little sassy already.

In other important news. On Sunday I wandered around taking DNA from people. Those people are (allegedly in one case) my parents. I am finally, once and for all going to confirm my parentage. Now, there's no doubt in my mind that my father is my father. His eldest daughter and I could have been identical twins (we ARE only 3 months apart...... hence the reason there's all the drama) as children. But THEY don't beleive it, so I've shelled out the bucks to prove it and be done with it. Now, my father was in a horrible accident when I was 11 and had a very serious brain injury, he doesn't remember much of anything from before the accident and is, in such, utterly useless at helping except for via his DNA. I sent the swabs on all 3 of us in on Monday and should know the results by mid next week.

I'm also happy to say that the drama with Hailey getting her ass whooped at school is finally O-V-E-R!!! We scrapped the teen court shit as it was only serving to keep both girls in the drama and draw the whole thing out and yesterday, in all of 5 minutes, went in front of a local judge who told Hailey not to be disorderly again (remember, she called the girl a whore), paid our $77 ticket and washed our hands of the whole thing.

Following court I went and had dinner with my soul sister. She took me to this itty bitty little hicktown place that served a wonderfully strange meal of pork steak, dumplings, sour kraut, and gravy. I'm not sure who dreamt up the concoction, but it was very yummy.

It's funny how these "dates" with her go. We will not see each other for MONTHS and then just talk like there's never been a space. It's the strangest friendship there is, as we disagree on a lot of thing and come from completely different backgrounds. But for some reason it works. There's just this silent understanding. She knows when i'm bullshitting myself and isn't afraid to call me on it and oddly, I don't get the slightest bit defensive when she does. It goes both ways, I'm 100% not afraid to be myself around her. Part of that comes from her seeing me in what was literally my darkest hour... nothing I can ever do can be worse than the hours after Alex died and the day of his funeral.

So our friendship is simply without explanation. It just is. I can talk to her after months apart and just spill my guts and she gets exactly what I'm saying like she's been there all along. In fact I have to think sometimes when I tell her something because I'm never sure if she already knows. It seems like more often than not she does. I've tried to analyze it and last night I really realized that there's no point. It just is.

And last, but not least I'd like to ask you to Pray/wish/send thoughts/do some wierd voodoo/ whatever your thing is and send it this little guy's way. This little dude (with an awesome name btw) needs our love hope that his heart will be healed.

Now you see me, now you don't!

If you've been checking here this past week you may have noticed something strange. I knew it was coming time for my registration on my domain name to be up and I missed the email stating it was. After a bit of panic I'm back! Whew!

Something exciting. I entered this essay contest for to represent the hospital I work for at the state Healthcare employee pride through the WHA and I won! In May my whole family gets to go to the Dells for some waterpark fun. The kids are super excited and the next 6 weeks is going to drag for them I'm sure!

What else. I caved and bought a new washer and dryer. Whirlpool Duet front load system. and OH- MY- GOD what my clothes have been missing! Everything is cleaner and softer and well, I'm old and laundry excites me. The best part is I can fit 3 of my old loads (and my old washer was a super capacity!) in there and it only uses a TABLESPOON of detergent. So yeah, pretty excited about that.

The weather has been so wierd around here. One day it's 60 and the next snowing. I guess it's true, if you don't like the weather just wait 5 minutes and it'll change. I can't wait for the muck to be all dried up so we can get outside, in the summer we dont' spend much time indoors and this one will be no different I'm sure.

So there's my little update. I'l post pics of Nate in his glasses sooon, it's freaking adorable I'm telling you.

Keepin it real folks

Ok, this might dissapoint some people, it might make some people get down on their knees and pray for my very soul (which could never hurt, I suppose), But that's the beauty of it being MY blog on the internet, there's a nifty X on top of this page that will simply bring you back to the adorable picture of your boyfriend/kid/dog on your desktop.



At this moment in time I don't consider myself A Christian. I just don't. I've tried, desperately at times, to have a relaltionship with the God I was brought up to praise but you know what? All I ever hear is silence, all I ever feel is lonliness from my talks with God. I feel like there's no one listening and I'm talking to myself, which isn't always a bad thing either, sometimes only we can be brutally honest with ourselves. I'm just not FEELING it.



I was baptised in a Catholic church when, as an infant, my mother made that decision for me based on what she was raised to beleive. I attended a pentacostal church through my teen years after we were no longer welcome in the Catholic congregation because of the whole unwed mother/bastard child thing. (where speaking in tongues never failed to creep me out). I was baptised 3 times. Once per the Catholic ways of baptising babies lest they die and their spirits hang in purgatory for eternity, once in gradeschool per the pentacostal way of waiting until a child is old enough to understand the meaning of baptism, and once in my teen years, apparently just for the hell of it. I even went to Christian school in 2nd grade, where I fell miserably behind my public schooled peers and have paid for it since.

I have tried at various times in my adult life to find my church "home", never succeeding. Never able to find the place where I felt free to be myself, accepted, and at ease with the sermon spoken in front of me.

In all of my experience in church I was left with more questions than answers. I would see these people go to church every sunday and shake hands with those beside them and then hit the bar for some cocktails and congregation bashing later. Did you know so and so did this? Who WAS that lady in the 4th pew. Did you see Mrs Smith in JEANS? Oh my.

I began to wonder if these people even read the same bible I had. Yes my friends, I have read the bible cover to cover. MY bible looked the same as theirs and was purchased at the same store, but seemed to speak a message far different than many of theirs. You see, my bible spoke of a Jesus who spread a message of love and kindness. Most people I met in church were anything but loving and kind once they walked out of those double doors and into the parking lot. My bible spoke of "judge not lest you be judged yourself" yet most "Christians" I know are some of the most judgemental people I've met. ( said MOST, not all, so to quote a dear friend of mine please pull your head from your sacral iliac now).

You see, I have never felt as judged as I have IN church. I have never felt as though I was surrounded by people with two complely different faces as I have in church.

And so began a few years of self discovery. I even spent some time learning Pagan beliefs.

I turned back to God a few years ago and in the time befor Alex was conceived until shortly after he died I embraced my belief in the lord wholeheartedly. I did what I thought I was suppose to, I gave him everything I had and listened intently to hear his direction.

I got nothin folks. Nothin. Nothing at all. Silence.

My mom always liked the 'Footprints' poem which talks about footprints in the sand and the person asks why if the 2 sets of footprints are his and God's, why sometimes in the path are there only one set and God tells him that those are the times he carried him.

Well listen. If I were being carried would my feet not feel the burn of the hot coals under them these past years? If I were being carried would I be so exhausted? No. I've felt every one of those coals, I've exhausted myself trying to move forward in sand that turned to quicksand at times and the God that I begged for help never once carried me.

I know that my Christian friends will say that my trials are tests of the lord. I know they will say that simply beleiving and having a relationship with the lord does not exempt one from bad experiences. Well then I say, what? What does having a relationship with the Lord give me? A cool imaginary friend? An eternity in "heaven"? Savior from some imaginary demon waiting in the wings to steal my soul and torture me for eternity?

Please. I, and many people I have come to know, have already suffered worse than that. Scare tactics aren't the answer. You can't scare me, I've seen hell. I've lived there. I will always live there as much or as little as the strength I can muster to pull myself out on any given day.

A coworker of mine asked another a question the other night. She asked my coworker who is trying to find her way in her beliefs if she beleives Jesus walked the Earth. A good question. My answer would be that yes, I do beleive a man walked the Earth that was genuinely nice to the people he met. Who helped people who needed help and put himself second. Many people have lived like that, no one wrote a book about them. Jesus was a man, he didn't have magic powers he didn't heal anyone. People had ailments and diseases then and miraculous recoveries, sure. But most of that can now be explained with what we know about the human body that we didn't then. I beleive Jesus was the son born of an unwed teenager who for whatever reason didn't disclose who his father was and as teenagers do created a fantastic story, which somehow people bought. This child, Jesus was exceptional in that he was a nice person who brought out the best (and sometimes the worst in the less secure) in people.

I'll stop there because no one is interested in my interpretation of the bible. I'm a critical thinker, I don't often buy nonesense. I beleive that magic is something created when we don't want to accept the truth.

Or maybe it's created when times are so tough we just need something else to beleive in. We need to beleive that there is someone looking out for us when we feel alone. We need, in our difficult times, to believe that after this hard life is over we will be rewarded with a life in a beautiful place, heaven if you will. Maybe that helps us get through the day. And there isn't a damn thing wrong with that.

There are days when it's been easier for me to beleive in some magical being in the sky waiting for me with streets of Gold and as much chocolate as a girl could want for all eternity. But it's all just fantasy.

I don't consider myself a Christian and I don't know how that's going to go tomorrow, next week, next year. I do know that I am made strong by my experiences and only I can take the credit for that, not some imaginary man in the clouds. Me. I am strong and wise and create my own magic. I see the beauty on Earth and give no thought to what happens later because only now matters and I don't want to spend my life living according to someone's interpretation of how my life should be lead in order to get to that magical promised land. Paradise is a matter of interpretation and when I looke into the eyes of my children, I'm already there.

Donkeys!

So I read something yesterday that really showed me that some otherwise intelligent people really do not have a clue on issues they claim to know so much about.

It talked about how people are lazy when it comes to healthcare and cited a statistic that 40% of employees do not take health insurance offered by their employeers. If they don't want to shell out the bucks then what should the rest of us care if they can't afford their medical care.

What? Really?!

Ok so I don't know where this guy comes from, but here in the real world it goes something like this.

I work 20 hours per week. Because of my wage I make about as much in those 20 hours as many people working 40 hours. My employer offers insurance at the rate of about $700/month for a family. Which seems fairly reasonable in comparison to others I've heard about around here.

Tell me, with just the basics. Rent/mortgage, utilities, gas, food. How it's feasable for people wo pay over half their monthly income in insurance premiums, not to mention deductibles and copays?

So people rely on medicaid, which is lazy too right? Well do you think you can just walk into the Medicaid office and they will give you free health insurance if you can afford what is offered by your employer? No. They break down your necessary bills and what the insurance costs and if you can't afford it, per their standards, they offer you insurance. If you can, they turn you away or, in some states, offer an insurance package with it's own premium, which is paid to the state every month.

Let's pull our collective heads out of our butts and in the words of the great Gordon Ramsay "Stop being fucking donkeys".

Struggling

It seems just when I get in a good place it seems to unravel just a little bit. I would like to introduce you to the family of a special little boy, a heart baby like Alex who left this world far too soon. Little Jack Corbo was the victim of a broken healthcare system, a broken hospital (the same facility Alex was in), and the faith that families of critically and chronically ill children have no choice but to put in healthcare professionals who may be burned out, overworked, underpaid, or have their own motives.

So many questions this raises in our own story. So many questions I'm not sure I want to know the answers to.

Meet Jack, his twin brother, and his parents.
www.caringbridge.org/mn/corboboys

So we got mom moved to our house fairly easily with the wheelchair method. She's been doing well since we've been talking a lot about her injury and that her knee joint is stable, she can bear weight on it and it will hold her up. Learning that seems to have made a lot of difference because she's less fearful and has been moving around pretty well the past few days. She's going back home today and I think she'll do fine! She's been such a trooper dealing with being parked on my couch and not in the comfort of her own home. She goes to the doctor on Thursday and we'll see what he says about her recovery.

Craig got his referral to the spine doctor. He can't get in until the end of March! I told him to call his pcp and see if they can fenagle him a sooner appointment because that's a long time to be in such pain all the time. It seems to be getting worse in a hurry, the poor guy is barely moving anymore.

Otherwise things are going well. I'm getting in the groove of school and I start Pharmacology and pathophysiology on Wednesday for this 8 week term. Blech!

eyes, ears, knees, and backs oh MY!

My mom is home but not for long. We thought she'd be ok to go to her house to recover but it's become apparent that she needs more care than she is able to get there with George working and what not. Austin and Hailey have been taking turns staying there with her but they can't do everything she needs, nor should they be expected to. So the decision has been made to move her here to our house. Easier said than done. We tried last night and she couldn't get down the stairs to get outside, finally after a while of trying she was exhausted and hurting and we figure we'd have to take some time to think of a plan B.

So tomorrow my sister is coming up and we are renting a wheelchair and making a make-shift ramp to get her out of the house. Let's hope it goes well!

We were able to get Nathan to the ophthamologist tomorrow and got pretty good news. He needs glasses, which we knew we were looking at anyway but the doctor doesn't think the vision loss is caused by the cataract itself, but rather is another issue of an eye that just didn't develop correctly. So he doesn't feel that removing the cataract would help at all, would just invite more potential for issues. We got a great deal on his glasses at $99 for two pair. He ended up needing the tiniest frames they had and we ordered one in gold and one in blue. We also paid a little extra for a 1 year warranty on each since we are quite certain with a 2 year old we will have one pair in the shop at all times.

I can see the new daily/hourly phrase in our house in a couple weeks when he gets them, it will be "Everybody look for Nate's glasses". Oy, what an adventure. The doctor said he has given up trying to predict which kids will keep them on fine and which won't, some kids notice that they see better and keep them on just fine and some (I suspect Nathan will be in this group, since he won't even keep a hat on) hate having something on their face and rip them off the second they are put on. I guess time will tell.

Monday Christian will go and get his hearing aids, he's still pretty ok with the prospect, even kind of excited it seems for his new equipment. I hope he keeps that confidence.

Another issue we are still dealing with (not sure If i've mentioned it here before) is Craig's back. He has 2 slipped discs in his lower lumbar part of his spine. Over the past few months he's been getting cortisone injections at the pain clinic as well as physical therapy and chiropractic care and of course near round the clock pain medications. Unfortunately these things are no longer helping and he's in worse shape than ever, in constant pain with limited mobility. So as I type he's at the doctor getting stronger pain meds and a referral to a spine specialist and we may be looking at back surgery in the very near future.

Even with all of this I can't help but realize how fortunate we are. We are financially comfortable, have never missed a payment on our mortgage, have health insurance, and are together and aside from some quirks, healthy and happy.

Can this week be over yet?

Well, we didn't make it to Nathan's cataract appt yesterday. It has been rescheduled for monday afternoon.

It's never good when the phone rings at 6am. It's even worse to come up the stairs to see your husband on the phone and he tells you "your moms in the back of an ambulance, she fell and busted her knee" Crap.

I ask where they are taking her and he relays the question and I hear from across the room her yell at the poor paramedic "I'M NOT FLYING ANYWHERE!" Great. It's bad.

I finally get out of her that they are currently on their way to the hospital I work at, and things will be decided from there. So I call my brother and sister and get in the car and head off to the hospital.

After veryifying her information I go to her room and the doctor comes in with an xray showing her kneecap busted clean in half, with a 4 inch gap between the peices. "It's broke" he says while she huffs something that resembled a "no shit".

After a bit the ortho comes in and tells her they will do surgery asap. Surgery has a full schedule but he'll work her in sometime in the afternoon. They take her up to the floor and my sister and I (and later my brother) keep her company while we wait.

I always knew my mother was a tough cookie but she proved it taking no pain meds at all the entire day. My sister and I were quite sure we could use some ourselves.

Finally at 4:30 they come get her and we grab something to eat and settle into the surgery waiting loung to wait. At 7:30 the surgeon comes in and tells us that the xray, showing a nice break in 2 peices was very deceiving. To use his terminology "It was like a grenade went off" and "these are never easy injuries". He was able to use pins to secure the large peices and tied them all together with wire. There are still peices all over in there that he said would be ok to just settle where they will.

She was able to go home today. She isn't even allowed to bend the knee for 6-8 weeks while they wait for the bone to begin to mesh together. Then she'll start physical "bending" therapy to try to get it in useful shape again. He wanted her to be off work for 3 months but she convinced him to let her go back in a couple weeks as long as she could sit down. She's very worried about her job security as the company she works for is laying off. Fortunately she fell in the parking lot of her workplace that hadn't been cleared so she has a bit of a safety net there I suppose.

Since my brother and sister both live over an hour away it will be up to me to donate a lot of my time in helping my mother take care of herself. We'll make it work.

When it rains it pours!

1 out of 3, please?

We aren't doing so well with the doctor appts but at least Chris is done. He saw the Audiologist yesterday and the GI today.

I honestly thought the audiology appt would end up being a waste of time. I didn't see it coming. All through the test as they are having Chris who was in a sound proof room repeat words and raise his hand to beeps in his headphones I kept thinking "ok, they are going to say he's fine, I know it... this is silly".

Then as we finish up and she puts the convertible computer next to me I STILL though everything was ok, as I looked at the graph all of his dots and x's were in the white area except a couple that were at the bottom of the gray. Well that's ok right? A couple numbers borderline but most are ok, right?

Oh, but I soon learned I wasn't right. Turns out the GRAY area was "normal" hearing, not the white. His high tones were the couple that were borderline, the rest indicated hearing impairment.

So many questions that don't have answers. Has this been there since birth or is it new? is it progressive? Will he someday be deaf? We just don't know.

What we do know is that in 2 weeks he will get his hearing aids. He chose cobalt blue for the part behind the ear and a swirl of blue, green, and white for the earmold peice. He seems ok with it. Likely more than I am.

Then every 2 weeks we will venture back to Eau Claire to test his hearing and see if A: His regular hearing is progessing in the wrong direction and B: If the hearing aids are helping him or not (apparently they don't help everyone). I shudder to think of what happens if they don't. Then what?

I swear if anyone picks on that child mama bear will tear them limb for limb.... I'm just sayin.

Then today we see the GI. If you remember we've been seeing this GI for about 2 years now since Christian first began his tummy troubles. He's been through a battery of tests and was dx'd with lactose intolerance and GERD. However, for some unkown reason Christian doesn't gain weight. He hasn't gained weight in 3 years.

Well, a lot of his issues have been well controlled with medications and I thought he was doing better. I was so sure of it I thought we'd be discharged from the GI, or at least spaced to yearly visits.

Until I got hit by a truck again. He's lost four pounds. In the winter, sitting on his butt. Four pounds.

He doesn't eat much, I don't know how to make him eat more. We are seeing a dietician next week to help us figure out how to pack more calories into what little he does eat. We will give it four months and in June see the GI again and go from there.

Tomorrow we travel to Marshfield to see Nathan's Ophthamologist and chat about the cataract. Will it be glasses or surgery? Let's hope our luck changes overnight.

Baby addiction

I read this article on MSNBC yesterday and I didn't know whether to laugh or scream.

Now the world thinks we are just simply insane. Nice. You know, I don't even particularly LIKE newborns, let alone am addicted to them. Certainly, there is something about a fresh fuzzy head and the smell of Johnson's that is so purely wonderful but I, for one, am a BIG fan of sleeping all night and going to work without vomit on my clothes.

But alas, since I have 6 kids I must be addicted to newborns because of something in my childhood and my poor children are neglected because of it.

I'm sure some women ARE addicted to newborns. Probably those women who keep popping kids out and then they end up in foster care around age two. But really, how many children from large families are in foster care? You may think having many children would be quite easy, as careless as it seems. But in fact it takes quite a bit of effort and planning. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to find time for MAKING a baby with 5 or 6 others running around? I always say, the most effective birth control is a child. My youngest has an uncanny way of waking up and needing attention at the most inopportune time, effectively securing his status as the baby of the family.

This octuplet mom... well, I'm pretty much convinced SHE is batshit crazy. But now the rest of us are too by some distant association.

If I am required to have an addiction due to some screwed up childhood, at least I could at least take up drinking or drugs or something. They'd likely be cheaper and do less horrible things to my body than pregnancy!

But if having kids is my addiction, I'll take it. Because I love them and I work my butt off to support them and I don't ask a dime from anyone else to do it. So, at least it's an addiction I'm good at.

I'm just sayin.

Because I love clinics

Took Nate and Chris to their check up today. Chris failed his hearing test. At first we thought it was because his ears were all gunked up but she cleaned them out and he failed it again. So Monday he sees an audiologist. Then she was looking at Nate and just said "that eye...." Yeah, it's crossed more often than not now. She asked when his ophthamologist appt is and I told her it was mid march. She thinks he shouldn't wait that long so wed we travel 3 hours to Marshfield for that. On Tuesday Chris sees his gastroenterologist for follow up. I'm hoping we get discharged from his care as Chris seems to be doing so well now.

KIDS!

Octuplets part 2 plus some

Ok so admittedly I'm probably behind on this story. There's been so much going on I haven't really had time for current events, however it's not hard to overhear conversation about this story, as so many people have very strong opinions about it.

Andrea Yates, John and Kate plus 8, even the Duggars... large families can't catch a break it seems. There will always be those that paint the picture of large families, accurate or not, in the public. The truth of the matter is, having a large family is not as sensational or attention getting as it seems. Most of us are just like everyone else. We work, we shop at Walmart, life really isn't very chaotic or exciting. Most of us don't have television shows or write books, most of us don't drown our children in the bathtub. We just live our lives, typical American style.

Sure, our routines have to be a bit more regimented. We have 4 hours of homework instead of 1. We have to buy 6+ backpacks instead of 2. There definitely are things different in a large family but for the most part we are surprisingly normal.

Then you get families like this. There are so many questions. A woman who due to back injury could not work, yet was able to carry and give birth to 8 children. Why would you even decide to get pregnant with a debillitating back injury? If you rely on food stamps to feed your 6 children, how is it that you can afford assisted fertility? I currently know a great friend who is taking on IVF, to the tune of about $9,000 for ONE CYCLE.

You know the story, I won't rehash every point.

Then the other side of this story. These 14 children. The 6 older ones who have to go to school everyday now that their lives have been thrown into the media and their mother is viewed as a beast. What about them? What about these 8 babies laying in a hospital room who will have to grow up with the anger and frustration just their very existence has created in this country? What about the state, who is going to have to eat millions of dollars for their immediate medical care, never mind lifelong care for issues coming from the fact that they were just born too soon.

It's very sad is what it is.

Moving on:

So, I'm not never sure if I mentioned this here before but I'm back in college. So far so good. I'm taking the medical assistant program which in this area will get me further than nursing anyway, since Marshfield clinic is taking over the world and hires MA's in their clinics. I graduate next summer.

Still working of course. More than usual lately since a coworker has been out sick for a few weeks.

Just finished the living room makeover, no pictures yet. We put in laminate flooring and painted the walls a color called "spiced rum" with white trim. It looks quite beautiful.

Gotta get some school work done on my only day off here before I take Nate and Chris to their yearly check up so that's all folks.

Octuplets part 2

What I said before? Forget it. Why the heck would a woman getting food stamps have IVF?

A new baby!

Got your attention didn't I?

Not the human variety, but adorable nontheless. Got him yesterday, he's a 3 month old Morkie (also called Maltie or Yorktese). Mom is a 5 lb Maltese dad is a 4 lb Yorkie. He is very playful and loves to cuddle, slept on Shaylin's pillow last night. Taylor likes him but gets annoyed with his puppy antics quickly.

Octuplets

So I'm sure you've all heard at least something on this story. A single mom has 6 kids and just gave birth to Octuplets. Now the poor woman is being attacked from every angle it seems on her choice to have so many children. Her own mother threw her under the bus in an interview recently claiming she has an "obsession" with having a large family.

What is this country becoming when other people think they have the right to decide how many children someone should have? I tell you what, IVF isn't cheap. If this woman could afford to conceive all... counting on my fingers... 14 children using IVF then she obviousely isn't some destitute single mother begging for cash on a street corner. So why is it our business?

And don't give me all the diarreah of the mouth about overpopulation and resources. There are plenty of resources and plenty of space in this world. The population is actually on the DECLINE at the moment, what with all the baby boomers knocking off of old age.

Let the woman be. Let her marvel in the beauty of her new babies. And say a big fat AMEN that this woman made the choice to let those babies LIVE rather than killing...er "reducing" them.

It all comes back to the people who can't possibly understand how absolutely amazingly rewarding it is to have a big family. Who can't take time out of their busy day to laugh when a houseful of boys have dozens of nerf darts flying over your head as you try to make dinner. Who get stressed beyond limits with one or two children. Just because you don't undersand it, or don't have the confidence or desire to DO it, that doesn't mean you should think you have the right to limit someone else's happiness.

Get over it.

He would be 3 today

And that's all I can say. I fear if the tears begin to fall they may never stop.

ha!

I just realized that by reading the first half or so of that last post you would think I was leaving my husband or something lol

Most definitely NOT the case. Let it be said.

I feel better. I feel freer. I am excited to pursue friendships and experiences without worrying about what she will think of them. Without dreading hearing her cut them down or try to be better than them. It will be great to experience my life and be happy or sad or dissapointed or angry or whatever without having to be one-upped all the time.

To let you know the extent of it. Tonight when Hailey and Austin asked me who I was on the phone with earlier I simply said "it was __, we ended our friendship" and they both immediately said GOOD! I expected it from one of them, as that one has never been a fan of the drama (per his own words) but the other one slightly surprised me until she said "mom, we see it too you know. We hear what she says about people and stuff too and we don't like it either"

Wow. that was powerful. I think I have a lot of people to apologize to.....

Growing pains

The chair has been taken to the corner. Right now it doesn't feel as good as I had thought it would, but I know it will.

Growing pains. That's precisely what it is. It's taking the hard road because that's what it means to become complete. It's giving something up to get more. It's closing the door so the window will be allowed to open.

It's doing the right thing for my family and hoping the chair finds a way to be happy. It's feeling that happiness is on the horizon just as soon as you pick yourself up off your knees and walk toward it.

There will always be things unsaid, unfinished. It's not possible to sum 12 years of frustration into one telephone conversation.

It's not possible to make someone be what they need to be, what their family needs them to be. I'm a fixer and to finally realize it's not fixable is a hard pill to swallow. Many times I've tried to do this, to walk away. I just need to not look back this time. That always happens, I always look back and think maybe things will be different this time, maybe she can really be a friend. And then I get sucked back into her constant need to destroy herself. I need to move on and continue to grow, and I hope that in such, she can grow as well.

I take my own responsibility for my unhappiness over the past years. I should have seen it more clearly. I should have noticed more the look on my husbands face when he came home from a hard day to hear me upset again, worrying over kids that weren't my own. I should have realized that their story was theirs, much as my own troubled childhood made me who I am, so will theirs. And maybe I had a strange need in it to destroy myself by going down with her ship. Except it never happened that way, somehow, probably more thanks to my husband than me, I continued to step forward instead of sinking.

Maybe where she is is where she's suppose to be. Even though I know she could be so much more. Maybe that isn't my decision to make.


I had to fix myself before I could be any good to anyone else. And I think I finally am.

And I'm sorry I've given up friendships. Given up or distanced myself from people in my life for a friendship that gave me very little back. I'm sorry I missed what these people had to offer and the experience of knowing them completely for something I got nothing from.

I remember my husband telling me that he hated to see me drug down with her misery, how much of a strain it put on him. I'm sorry that I put that strain on him but he kept by me, supporting me in whatever decision I made. He never put pressure on me when he's known all along I was just torturing myself. He never understood why I kept trying. And now, I don't either.

I am keeping my ears open and following my heart. The feeling of freedom is already closer than it was before and I am excited to find out where the road leads, now that I've taken the heavy burden from my back.

To new beginnings... and working harder on relationships that go both ways!

The time has come

There comes a point in your life when you realize who matters,
who never did,
who won't anymore...
and who always will.

I read that quote on another blog today and it struck me.. because it is so fitting in my life right now.

Have you ever grown past someone? I mean really grown past them? To the point that you realize that you have nothing in common with them.

Sometimes there are people in your life that are like furniture. A comfy old recliner if you will. When you bought the recliner it fit in your living room wonderfully. It matched the rest of your furniture and the color fit nicely with the motif of your home. In those early years that recliner was the first place you'd go after a long hard day of work after changing your dress clothes into a comfy pair of sweats. The chair didn't care that you were wearing old holey sweats and a stained Metallica concert t-shirt. And you didn't notice that it was a little rough around the edges. You sank into it perfectly.

Through the years the chair grew older. The fabric faded and the springs in the seat began to protrude slightly. You figured out how to sit in the recliner just the right way but every now and then you would get poked by a spring.

The rest of your furniture was replaced by new, the walls through the years took on a new coat of paint. Every now and then you would look at the chair and notice that it didn't quite match with the other things in the room, it's battered frame and worn cushions.

When company came you would drape a soft quilt over the chair in an effort to hide some of it's shortcomings. It became harder and harder to look at the chair and try to tell yourself that it fit in your home now. You spend more and more time relaxing on the sofa because the chair is no longer comfortable.

Still, you can't bear to get rid of the chair that was your welcoming party after a hard day. The chair you sat in when you talked excitedly about something new in life.

The chair ceases to become part of your life. It doesn't fit in anymore. Everything else in your life grew, changed, became better but the chair just continued to seemingly destroy itself, year by year. It no longer gives you peace, as you have outgrown the need for it and are frustrated by it's inability to be what the new you needs, or wants. The chair, it just refuses to grow with you, instead sitting there in the corner in all it's pity. For some reason unable to get past whatever keeps it there. Then you realize it's there because of you. So many times you've tried to fix the chair. Then you tried to mask what it was so the outside world didn't see it's stained exterior. And finally you realize that the chair is what it is, and that has nothing to do you with you. You can't fix the chair because the chair doesn't see that the world sees it as broken and dirty, or it doesn't care.

Taking the chair to the curb is a difficult task. You wonder what life will be like without it but no longer wish for it to take up space in your life. The chair is a black mark in your home, in your life that is each day moving forward. The chair just stays behind and there isn't anything you can do to change that. For the chair has it's own purpose and it's purpose and yours no longer walk the same path.

But there comes a time when you need to say goodbye. You need to take the chair to the curb and hope that maybe someone will take it and re-upholster it and help it to move forward. You have long since realized that you aren't the person who can do that, and you are keeping your own happiness at bay in trying to get your chair to be what it can never be for you and for itself.

You don't hate the chair, you have just outgrown your need or desire for it. You realize that holding on to it has caused more stresses in your life than it once eased. You realize that during some of the most pivotal points in your life it hasn't been there, not necessarily it's fault but more because it became increasingly clear that it wasn't needed.

It's time to move forward. It's time to move the chair to the curb and replace with with a nice chaise lounge or bookcase. Something that fits who you've become. Continue to move forward and realize that the chair will always just be an accessory in your life that served it's purpose and then wore out and became something that you realize doesn't mean as much to you as you once thought.