living without Alex 4-13-06

THURSDAY, APRIL 13, 2006 02:12 PM, CDT
I was doing better today, until I got my mail.

Got an envelope from the funeral home. My first thought was that we must have forgotten to pay something, or maybe it was some sort of receipt so I opened it not even thinking twice.

What I found instead, right there sitting in my face was Alex's death certificate. No warning, just boom there it is.

I was shaken, but somewhat ok until I read

Primary cause of death: Metabolic Acidosis hypotension

Other primary: Suspected Sepsis

Other contributing factors: Post RVOT repair of Tetralogy of Fallot/Pulmonary atresia

Now none of this was such a surprise that it should have taken me off guard. But when I read the sepsis part the 'what if demon' totally took over and now I find myself wondering if in some way I made him sick. Now, really this is silly, he had so many sites that were just begging for bacteria to enter, but still I want to blame myself I guess.

The day has gotten better though. I went to the craft store in hopes of finding a nice project to occupy some of my time. I couldn't find anything I wanted to do and then I had a great lightbulb moment. So, i'm making and recycling old teddy bears, they will have a heart patch and a 'scar' on thier chest. I'm going to also write a little kids book entitled 'Alex the bear has s special heart, just like YOU' that fits in a little pouch on the bears back, and I'm going to give them to children's hospitals for 'heart babies' .

So, if any of you have any old clean stuffed bears laying around the house that your kids no longer play with, or if you'd be willing to watch some garage sales for some this summer, please email me.