living without Alex

SATURDAY, APRIL 08, 2006 10:02 PM, CDT
I know, i haven't updated in a long time. Just trying to be normal. I don't feel like I have anything positive to say and I don't like to be depressing everyone.

They say this gets easier. I'm not sure who 'they' are, but that it gets easier doesn't help me NOW. I'm dealing with today, today.

I'm frustrated because people don't know how to react to me, and I don't know how to react back. I hate it when people try to avoid the subject because I love to talk about my son and quite honestly, not much else at this point in my life is worth talking about. Don't avoid me because you dont' know what to say. Ask me about him, about his life, even about his death..... but dont' act like he was never here.

I'm still trying to wrap my head around the fact that this is it, Alex is never ever coming back. His little body will be in the ground, in that cemetary forever. I will never again hold him, see him, none of it. How can something so wonderful just be gone just like that? In the blink of an eye it seems?

I'm really trying to be normal. Trying to appreciate what I have. I find myself short tempered with the kids and I hate that. It's not them i'm mad at, i'm not mad at anybody. They are hurting and dealing too and I'm not making it any easier for them and that sucks. This is a huge turning point in thier lives and my response to them can make it or break it, how's that for pressure?

It seems Jack must be reminded daily that Alex isn't coming back. Everytime he sees anything relating to a baby he will say 'that's for baby Alex, baby Alex in the hostible' and I'll say 'no Jack, baby Alex isn't in the hospital, he's in heaven, up above the clouds with Jesus' and he'll say 'baby alex get better and open his eyes' and I have to say 'no jack, baby Alex can't get better, he's gone forever and ever' Every day we have this conversation. I don't want him to forget Alex, but it just hurts me to have to say those words over and over again. Almost like I'm not only telling him, but myself as well. It's really emotionally draining.

I know I should go to counseling, we all should. But I have yet to make the appointment because I'm afraid. I'm afraid because I don't care how many years of schooling you've had, you DON'T understand and I'm afraid that I woudl be completely unreceptive to them because I would always be thinking that. Always be bitter about it.

I got on the scale for the first time the other day and realized that I have lost exactly 23 pounds, I gained exactly 23 lbs during my pregnancy. I had this though that it's like it never happened! Yet it did, and I don't have anything but pictures and memories to prove it.

Here's a poem I like

My parents, they tell a lot of lies
they never did before.
From now until they die,
they'll tell a whole lot more.

Ask my parents how they are
and because they can't explain,
They will tell a little lie
because they can't describe the pain.

Ask my parents how are they,
They'll say, we're alright.
If that's the truth, then I say,
why do they cry each night?

Ask my parents how they be,
they seem to cope so well.
They didn't have a choice you see
nor the strength to yell.

Ask my parents how they are,
We're fine, we're well or we're coping...
For God's sake guys, just tell the truth
just say your heart is broken.

They'll love me all thier life,
I loved them all of mine.
But if you ask them how they are
they'll lie and say they're fine.

I am here in Heaven.
I cannot hug from here.
If they lie to you don't listen,
Hug them and hold them near.

On the day we meet again,
we'll smile and I'll be bold.
I'll say, You're lucky to get in here guys,
with all the lies you told!