My special friend

5 1/2 years ago a very special person came into my life. It was an out of the ordinary way to meet someone, a Yahoo chat room. But there she was, living 20 miles away from me and due to have her first baby just a couple days after I was due to have my 5th.

We didn't actually "meet" until our babies were 6 weeks old. We missed each other by a day at the hospital.

Our friendship has been probably the most challenging that i've had. I will never understand how I could be so connected to someone I hardly see. In a lot of ways, we barely know each other and in others, we've shared times that have bonded us on a deep emotional level.

One of those times was the illness and death of my son. I remember calling her that first night with the words "my baby might not live". Little did I know she would be the glue that kept my family together in the coming weeks and months.

When Alex was sick, there were many people I could call when things looked bleak. Every time I called her, she didn't just say "oh i'm sorry" she got in her vehicle and came running. Seeing her face appear gave me a sense of relief when I was feeling anything but. One phone call and she sat with us for many hours in a surgery waiting room providing us with distraction in a way only she could. One phone call was all it took for her to come and gather 5 scared children and scoop them off to her house while we underwent another surgery.

The Sunday before he passed was one of those days. I had gotten a call from the nurse that Alex was bruised from head to toe and wasn't responding to stimuli. Shortly after arriving at the hospital I called her and as she often did, she set her own priorities, and her family aside to come running to us. I remember, after a while asking her if she thought he was ok. I don't know why I asked, it wasn't like she was a doctor, nurse, or in any other way would know this information....... but at that moment, much like a child with it's mother I needed to hear those words from her.

On the day he died my family came, and so did she. She held that tiny, lifeless baby and cried along with us. Even though in her mind she had to be looking at him and reliving what could have been with her own son merely months before.

In the days that followed she was a near constant presence. Not in an overbearing way or anything. It was nice for me to have someone to remember with, as so many people had not had the opportunity to meet him or to spend time at the hospital. We laughed, we cried.... sometimes at the same time. She helped me to process what I was feeling and I didn't have to act around her...... when I laughed that was ok. When I walked around calling everyone a Bad Egg every 6 seconds she didn't think I needed therapy. She was just what I needed. During that time I felt like if I laughed or was happy, everyone would think I didn't miss him, didn't care. She didn't see me that way.

Now, I am normally not one to put my feelings in the open, I'm not one to accept help. She provided help when I was so broken down I didn't know how to ask for it. Her quiet acceptance got me through when all I would have wanted to do otherwise would have been to crawl in my bed, cuddle his picture, and die.

That's just how she is. So many times in the past 5 years I have wished that just once she would need ME. And in the past 2 years I have wished that somehow I could repay her. You see, she always puts everyone before herself. That's just how she is. She never lets on that she might be dealing with something inside that is breaking her spirit, because of this I have often struggled with knowing what to say, what to do. I wish for a second I could be half the person she is. I wish just once she would be able to call me and say "you know, I really need you right now". But that's not who she is and so I have never been sure what to do. I'm always afraid that I am overstepping my role if I am straightforward. I don't want to push myself into her life, her business.

She thinks that being perfect is this role she plays for the benefit of others. While it's true no one is perfect, she is what I beleive the epitome of a good person. There is never a question in her mind when someone else needs her, that is not an act, you can't fake that. I wish though, that she could show herself what she shows others.

So, I just want to say. And you know who you are. That I love you, I miss you........ I think about you every single day, and I want to give you back some of the love you showed me, if only I knew how.....