Time to breathe

I haven't made a post in a few days. Most definitely not because I don't have anything to say, I have plenty to say and as soon as I make sure that what I say is going to be 100% how I really feel and not fed from anger, and as soon as the ripples calm and I know that other people involved are not going to be adversely affected by my words,  I will say it.  Until then all I will say is that what goes around comes around.

On to more important things.  Baseball season is in full swing, our team has played a scrimmage and one game so far and they look to be a pretty balanced team!  We have really been working with Christian on batting and it's paying off.  A couple years ago he got hit with the ball and has been a little ball shy since, he is beginning to overcome that and even though he did take a ball to the thigh last night still got his teammate to home with the next pitch!

We saw a Pediatric dentist for Nathan yesterday.  His local dentist (who we LOVE) had put in 2 of the 3 needed fillings about a month ago, not an easy task since Nate kept freaking out over the Nitrous oxide. Well, one of those fillings fell out.  We tried again on Wednesday to have them redone but he wasn't having any of the nitrous again so we all decided it would be best to take him somewhere they may be able to sedate him better.  So we saw the peds dentist yesterday and he said there is a total of 4 he would like to fix, including taking the filling that's in there out, cleaning it up and putting it back in, but that he was really nervous about sedating Nathan with an oral medication and was nervous about doing it in his office due to Nathan's kidney problems.  I guess the oral sedation is processed by the kidneys.  So he said he would feel MUCH better doing it in the OR with an anesthesiologist where they can limit stress to the kidneys with inhaled sedatives and keep him hydrated with IV fluids.  As scary as it is to have him put under, we completely agree with sparing his kidneys as much stress as possible and as the dentist said "if something is going to go wrong, I'd rather it go wrong there than here".  Agreed.  Not sure yet when that will be, they have to orchestrate schedules and will let us know.

We've been enjoying the warm weather here lately, it's been so warm and sunny.  We just planted our very first vegetable garden and it will be neat to see if anything actually grows, I have a bit of a black thumb i'm afraid!  We've been spending a lot of time on our bikes and a friend and I have been walking/jogging every night in preparation for a 4 mile run/walk in July.  Should be a great summer!

Your god and my god could be friends ya know

I grew up in church.  I was even baptised a Catholic, which might surprise you.  Turns out the Catholic church frowns upon people like my mother, young and unwed mothers who refuse the nuns' demands to sign her newborn over for adoption at birth and well, we didn't stay in the Catholic church long.

Somehow, and I will probably never in my life figure out how, we ended up joining a fundamentalist pentacostal church.  Now would be a good time to pause and say a fat "how the hell...."

Ok so we were very involved in this church, I even attended a year of school there.  When we moved we found a church in the same system as the one we'd left and became even more involved in the church.  We went to sunday school, wednesday night bible studies, and loved when it was our turn to volunteer in the nursery once a month.  As a teen I dove headfirst into the "word of god" and although I was horribly rebellious never missed a night of youth group services.  I even attended a retreat that was very moving, and I remember during it the minister asked every teen there who was carrying a weapon to come and turn it over, no questions asked.... to be free.  I was shocked at how many did.  The whole thing solidified my place in my faith.  In the church and in my faith I found peace, I found kinship with other people who I had something in common with.  I had somewhere to go, somewhere to belong.

Most..... actually come to think of it probably all of the people I know are Christian to some extent.  And by that I mean some attend church religiously (pun intended), some don't but have a bible on the nightstand, some just simply believe and worship in private.   Questioning god just wasn't anything that ever crossed my mind.  It was something people did who were lost.  Such sad souls, roaming the earth aimless and sad for certain.

I'm not christian anymore.   And I'm not sad and aimless or lost.  And that's ok.  

I think my christian friends feel like they have to save me.  I don't know how many times I hear them say they'll pray for me.  And that's ok, as I believe prayer is many things, but at the heart of it, it's a sincere wish for well being, and who am I to argue with that?  

I feel very free since I unlocked the chains that christianity wrapped around me.  Many people say that faith in god freed them, it bound me.  Bound me to fear, rules, conditions, hypocrisy.  At a time when many people would question what life is and what it means, I found myself coming up with more questions than answers, I found contradiction and spite and pain.  I found that nothing I had learned in church made sense anymore.  So I dropped my fears of going to hell and allowed myself to consider that maybe there was something else.  Maybe it wasn't one way and one way only.  Maybe I could find peace, faith even, in something else.

 I consider myself Pagan, a traditionalist I suppose.   I feel drawn to my Irish ancestors.  I married a healer and I'm finding my way.  I answer my children's questions about all religions as best I can and we strive to find their paths as well, whatever that is.  I love that my kids can come and say to me "hey mom, what do you think about this or that" and I now can have a mind open enough to say "maybe that god does exist?  Maybe magic is real and maybe faeries do walk to earth.  Maybe demons are unworldly, maybe they are evil people who continued their ways after death.  What do YOU believe?  Because in that you will find the truth.  That's what faith is.  I love that my faith allows me the freedom to do that, where christianity did not.  I feel like I've gained so much more in opening my mind and my heart to the possibility that there is more to it than what the bible tells us so.  

I'm finally free.  Last year I stood in a Catholic church ad became a "god" mother to a little boy I love dearly.  I love that I was able to see into their faith without judgement and offer my promise to them, take me as I am.  That's what I'm about now.  No judgements, no regrets.  I make mistakes, not sins.  The results of my actions teach me the ways, not an otherworldly punishment.  I'm not afraid to die anymore, and I'm not afraid to make the mistakes people do.

Maybe the christian god is real.  Maybe he was a father who lost his son, who was killed by humans and that's why he allows the suffering of the earth, to punish those who caused his deepest pain.  I would certainly understand that.  I would understand being horribly angry at those you entrusted with your most precious, your child.  I would understand that better than most I figure, since I found myself many times being angry at god for taking MY son.  So yeah, that would make sense to me.  He giveth and he taketh away.  

Maybe that's why I choose not to believe in this god.  Because to choose to believe in him would be to come "face to face" with someone who could have saved my son and chose not to.  I choose not to live in pain like that.  To believe in god would make that someone's fault.  And that knife cuts too deep, the anger that bubbles to the surface like battery acid on my skin wells up.  And I don't want to live that way.

I'm far more at peace with the realization that these things just happen.  Without rhyme or reason.  Live and let live, respect and love all.  Even those who believe differently than I do.

Insensitivity 101, required class for doctors

5 years ago I switched my, er, womanly care from an OB to a Midwife.  I have loved that the group of midwives I see is very supportive and caring.  When I miscarried in 2008 I walked into my 2 week post miscarriage check up determined to brush it off like I was ok, my midwife saw right through it and got me talking and allowing myself to be hurt over our loss.

This time when I miscarried the midwives suggested I see an OB/GYN.  Since it was my second miscarriage in a row, with 2 years without a pregnancy between they wanted to be sure there wasn't something that was going on, and realistically, miscarriage isn't a midwives forte, healthy normal pregnancy and birth is.

So I made an appointment with one of the OB doctors at the same clinic.  That appointment was today.  I was hopeful that she may have some suggestions, or maybe she would just tell me things I already knew.  But at the very least I didn't expect the insensitivity I got.

When the doctor walked into the room she sat down with her computer, barely making eye contact and typing away.  Finally she looked up at me with a big smile and said...

"Well,  you should consider yourself very fortunate.  You've had 6 kids"

"seven..." I mumbled without even thinking, shocked at what she just said.

"Seven...." she repeated and went back to typing on her computer.

"Well" she started again.  "What I mean is.  You are very lucky, you had 7 pregnancies without a miscarriage, most people don't have that kind of luck"

Ok.  I'm not going to cry.  I'm going to pretend this woman didn't just minimize my losses and pretend she didn't just try to make me feel guilty and unreasonable for wanting the children i've lost and mourning them.

"So, you had a miscarriage in 08" she says and I nod.  "So why did you wait until now to come in?"

My mouth opened to say something and then snapped back shut.  I looked at her quizzically for a minute.  This woman really had NO idea of anything.  She hadn't bothered to even glance at my chart before walking in that door, nor at the referral for that matter.

"umm.  Well because this last miscarriage was 2 in a row and well I am worried something might be wrong with me.  My cycles are getting shorter and shorter and I have this pain in my left ovary through my whole cycle"

"Pain in your ovary during your period" She says as she types away.

"No, pain in my ovary during the entire cycle" I corrected.

"So, pain the whole month??"  Yes.

More typing.

So when was your last menstrual period and how long was that cycle?  It started March 19th and that was the last one I had, my cycles had been running about 23 days the last 6 months or so.

"March 19th was almost 2 months ago.  So, you're pregnant right now?"

*sigh*.  "No ma'am, I had a miscarriage 3 weeks ago, that's why I'm here.

"oh.  Well tell me about that then."

"Well, I got a positive pregnancy test on what was day 28 of my cycle, which was 4 days late for me.  The next day I took another test under the same conditions and the test was a bit lighter, so I think things were already on the downward slope... I started bleeding 5 days later"

"So, what cycle day did you start bleeding" She asks, and I answer 33.

"Well it is possible you weren't pregnant, that your periods are just changing back to a more normal cycle.  33 days is still quite normal" She says.

"But I felt pregnant and the 2 pregnancy tests said......"

"Those things are wrong all the time, and sometimes women read them wrong and sometimes when a woman WANTS to be pregnant she manifests symptoms of a pregnancy.  I've seen women with big huge bellies who weren't pregnant at all, they just thought they were.  So, stranger things have happened. " she cuts me off.

Ok really? 2 false positives? Not even light lines, nice DARK lines? Come ON I think I know what a positive pregnancy test is.

I'm not gonna cry.  I'm not gonna cry.  Now not only should I be ashamed of myself for wanting another healthy child, but that child, in her opinion, was fake anyway.  I'm NOT gonna cry.

She asks if I'm taking any medications.  "no, but after my miscarriage I started taking these... it seems they can help regulate the female hormones if that's an issue, and it's suppose to lengthen the luteal phase and mine's really short so I thought maybe that was my problem" I handed her the bottle of the herb Vitex.

She looks at the bottle.  "Well, this isn't going to help anything, but it won't hurt you so if you want to take it you can."

Well thanks for her expert opinion on herbs then.

So, she says. " I want to do some blood work.  Maybe you have a clotting problem, does anyone in your family have blood clots, on Coumadin? "    No.  " Oh, well I want to check it anyway because that might be the problem.  But I don't think you HAVE a problem, I think 2 miscarriages is nothing and you are fine. "

"Could it be a progesterone issue? I mean I'm just wondering since I'm in my 30's.  I ask.

"If you were 40 maybe, but you aren't 40 you are too young for that.  But if you REALLY want to know we can do a progesterone test on day 21 of your cycle.  But you are going to have to go home and think about that because insurance won't pay for it"

Ok. I say.  "So I just call up here then on day 21?"

"Well yes, but like I said, you'll have to pay for that yourself you know."

Ok. That's fine.

"Insurance won't cover it, it's out of pocket.  Cash that day"

OOOOOOk, I'm starting to get it now.  SHE thinks I'm some unwed girl who has 7 kids by 7 different daddies and am wanting to pad my welfare check with babies.

Yeah, that's fine I say.  No problem I'll pay for it.

So do you want birth control? She asks.  "Mirena is a really good iud" she says handing me the little display.  "ummm no, actually" I say.

"Ok, because IUD's are really good, they are low hormone if that's a problem for you and they prevent pregnancy for 5 years so you don't have to worry about this again."

"no thanks."

"Are you here looking for fertility treatments??"  She asks.

"No.  Just if I get pregnant, I'd like to keep them.  That's all"  I say

"Well how many more kids do you plan on  having?"  She asks

I don't know I say as I stand up to leave.

"Well, if you decide you want some birth control, I suggest the IUD" she says again.

Thank you for your time.

I made it across the clinic to the lab waiting area before the tears started despite trying to hold them back. Most of the time things don't bother me like this, I'm proud of my children and our decision to have as many as we are blessed with.  But when I go somewhere worried and asking for help.... I didn't expect to be made to feel like that.  This woman had made her mind up before she even started talking to me, the minute she saw the number of kids I have on my chart.  She did no exam, made no more mention of my constant ovary pain, nothing.  She assumed I was in there looking for fertility drugs to have more welfare babies and nothing I was going to say would have changed her mind.

Craig wanted to go back and raise hell, but I just wanted to get out of there to do what any self respecting woman would do, wipe my tears away, get my blood drawn for a test I most certainly don't need, and go shoe shopping.

Why the public school system doesn't work

When kids are babies we are always told by our Pediatricians, our mothers, our friends that "they will do things at their own pace".  Some kids will crawl at 6 months, some wait until 10.  Some will be walking at 8 months, some won't toddle until well into their second year.  Some, like my daughter Hailey will be speaking full coherent sentences by their first birthday, and some are just sputtering their first mama's and bye bye's.  And everyone will tell you that's ok.  Even child development experts will calm your fears by telling you that sometimes when a small child is working hard mastering a skill, such as speaking, their large motor skills will seem to lag behind for a while.  And that's ok too.

So why suddenly when these kids become school age is it suddenly crucial that they all learn the same things at the same rate?

I got a letter home recently from a teacher who works with my 1st grader Jacksen.  She was strongly recommending we enroll Jacksen in a remedial summer reading class, as his reading skills aren't up to snuff.  She included a graph that showed where Jacksen should be and where he was, his line is a smidge lower than the other line.

His primary teacher says he's doing well this school year and should have no problems in 2nd grade (this teacher and I share a lot of the same opinions on education it seems), but this other teacher is very concerned and didn't hesitate to point out in conference in front of Jacksen how he was lagging behind and "the gap is widening".  Well according to the chart I got in the mail the gap has stayed the same, but whatever.

The more I think about this the more irritated I get.  Jacksen is a kid who does VERY well in school despite the fact that he has Sensory Integration dysfunction.  Put it this way, we didn't know if he would EVER attend public school a few short years ago and now he is 100% mainstreamed with zero interventions.  He does get frustrated very easily, he does get overwhelmed and agitated more quickly than other children.

Now am I simply defending a child who really, for all intents and purposes shouldn't even be doing the things he's doing but he is and goddamnit I'm happy about that?  Sure.  I call Jacksen my little poster child for Autism intervention, we worked VERY hard to give him every chance to beat this, and he is doing better than I ever dreamed.

But there's something more than that ruffling my feathers.  Jacksen LOVES to read.  He reads all the time and for the Accelerated reader program often chooses 3-4th grade level books (and passes the exams I might add).  He enjoys getting sucked into a book and learning something new and reading to Nathan.

So yeah, I have a problem with this.  How would any of us feel if there was something we enjoyed and someone (especially someone who is suppose to know a lot about it) says we aren't too good at that.  Would we have a lot of confidence to keep doing it?  If I told you tomorrow you weren't that great at your job, would you want to return to it tomorrow?  Some of us would, some of us would take it as a personal challenge and take a "no one is gonna tell me I'm not good enough" attitude.  But some of us wouldn't, some of us would feel like WE weren't good enough, and it doesn't take much to make children feel that way.

It's not the recommendation for the remedial class.  I think EVERYONE can benefit from extra help with anything.  It's the fact that these kids are put in little good enough or not good enough boxes.  We don't consider that a child who enjoys reading and does it often will become better at it in spite of what we do, we don't consider that sometimes enjoying something and feeling confident about something is the most important step in becoming better at it.  And we most definitely don't consider that none of these children became good at walking, talking, or riding a bike at the same exact age.

No, we sit across a table from a 7 year old and tell them they aren't good enough.  And then wonder why they suddenly don't want to read the books they had been enjoying before.  Wonder why he says "I don't want to go to that summer school class, I'm just stupid anyway".  Because this is the way it's done.

We could learn a lot from toddlers.  Instead we are too busy trying to teach them things they will learn anyway, but we never will.

Patience is a virtue and i don't believe in virtues!

You all never fail to ground me when my emotion takes over and I'm off on a tangent,  you're definitely right, calling the doctor would be the next logical thing to do.  I guess I'm just frustrated.  It's very hard to have lost a child to a broken organ and then to find out another one is broken too.  I guess the problem is for me is that with Alex everything happened so fast all the time, my head would spin.  I would finally wrap my head around something and something else would be thrown at me.  I would often call Dr D the pink paper pusher because it seemed everytime I turned around he had a consent form in my face for another procedure.  

So being use to things moving so fast it's very difficult for me to accept when they aren't.  There are all these unknowns with Nathan, will he need a transplant? When?  Will we be able to keep his sodium in check with diet alone as he gets older?  How will I make sure he gets the opportunity to douse his school lunch in salt so he gets enough?  What will people say to him?  Everything is an unknown and I'm not use to this and I don't like it.  

I need to learn some patience.... how do you do that?

Mother's day

Mother's day was wonderful.  I am so blessed by the beautiful people I was somehow granted permission to bring into this world and parent.

They let me sleep in today and I took full advantage (partly because I knew I had to work tonight!). Got up and Craig had made french toast for lunch, yum.  We decided to go into town shopping and finally bought the beta fish I've been wanting to put in a neat glass container I got at the auction a couple weekends ago.  Hailey picked him out and the little kids decided to name him Rocky.

We went out for tacos and Nate kept saying "where's broccoli" over and over again.  I couldn't figure out why the heck he would think of broccoli at a taco place until one of the kids said "He's talking about the fish!" Broccoli (which Nate pronounces Bocky" and Rocky do sound a lot alike!  So now we are calling the fish broccoli.

Bought the seeds to plant my first garden.  I'm nervous.  I have killed every single houseplant that has been given to me.  I even killed a cactus once.  A couple of years ago I actually succeeded in keeping 2 (of the 4 I bought) hostas alive outside so I figured well, maybe a veggie garden is do-able.  If anything actually grows i'll probably fall over.  I wanted to put the garden in this weekend but with the snowfall (!!) on Friday I figured it may be a titch too cold yet.

Wish me, my poor garden, and poor little broccoli fish (never been great at keeping them alive either) luck!

The kidney is connected to the....

So, I think in my lapse in blogging I didn't post the latest with Nate's health.  If you are a newer reader and don't know about Nate's Kidney problems, I invite you to brush up on the Dr's appointment that threw us for a loop HERE.  Prior to that Nate had developed Excessive thirst and urination (Polydipsia and Polyuria respectively) and went through tests to rule out various common problems with these symptoms.

So in March our 6th month recheck came up.  We repeated the ultrasound, repeated labs, and saw Dr. H.  Sadly instead of getting a BETTER idea as to what his problem is, we got a worse idea.

In good but shocking news his kidney size caught up to near normal!  However his urine still doesn't concentrate and the polyuria/polydipsia haven't resolved.  Dr H basically said that we are undoubtedly dealing with SOME primary renal disease, but he hasn't a CLUE what it is.  And that means we don't have a clue what his prognosis is at this point.  He said he was going to petition our insurance to let him do genetic testing since he's almost certain with my family history of having a grandmother with renal disease, myself having renal disease that there's some genetic link here, and if he can find it maybe he can figure Nathan out.  He was also going to consult some Dr in Michigan who is doing a study on disease of the cilia (tiny hairs in various organs that help things flow) and see what he thought.  Apparently he still thinks that somehow Nate's kidney and eye problems are related.

Well friends.  That was two months ago.  And I haven't heard a word from him since.

We have been bringing Nate to an ophthamologist in Minnesota for his eye care and I think we'll be taking his kidney care over there as well at this point.  However it's been a battle each time to beg our insurance to pay, since these docs are out of network.  At this point with the eyes we know he will need surgery probably around the end of the year, and we will probably end up paying for that out of pocket.  Can we pay for extensive renal care out of pocket too?  2016 can't come soon enough people.  I don't care what side of the healthcare debate you are on, have a kid who is chronically ill and then talk to me eh?

what's next?

I wish I could have an idea, follow through, and then be happy with the outcome.  Here I find myself a few short months away from graduating college, which I have worked really hard at and I'm already thinking about what's next?  I want to pursue midwifery but am I too old to commit to that much schooling?  I'm trying to tell myself to just get through graduation, get a job and see where it leads but I've always got to be thinking of what happens next.  Not sure why that is, I'm never content!

Things are at a boiling point with Hailey at school.  She and a girl she's been back and forth with all year got into a physical fight yesterday.  And again today the girl came into the bathroom and if someone hadn't stepped in would have probably escalated to violence again.  Combine that with the teacher who seems to enjoy humiliating 8th graders, the principal and administrator who don't do a whole lot about it, the police department that doesn't want to be bothered.......... well, I'm frustrated.  We are just counting down the days until school is out, next year she will move onto high school which will be MUCH better as the principal there is much better at what he does.  Tomorrow Hailey and I are going to talk to the guidance counselor and see if maybe a meeting with this girl to talk things down may be something we could do.  Let's hope so!

Anyway, not much to report I guess.  I'm on my off work stretch which means catching up on sleep and housework, not too exciting!

Inspiration

I know a lady who is everything I have always wished I could be.  She's proud, she's humble and she doesn't let anything stand in her way.  She gives with all of her heart to every person who needs it yet loves her family fiercely.  And she's given up so much for what she believes in.

I have sat back and watched her for many years.  The way she seemed to handle everything with ease, the way she seemed to have the midas touch.  And wished I could do the same.

Why can't I?

My gears are turning folks.  I think maybe the stars aligned to allow me the freedom to do what I need to do.  I think I have some thinking to do.  I may be onto a big adventure.

bullies

If you've read this blog for any length of time you know we've struggled with my daughter and school.  I will admit that my daughter is her mother's child.  She's hard headed, strong willed, opinionated and passionate.  I love that about her.  I raised her to think outside the box and to question authority and to challenge what you are told as fact.  Because of this, my daughter often gets herself into a bit of trouble.  She doesn't yet have enough control over her emotions, and at 14 years old definitely doesn't possess the maturity to always say what she needs to say in a productive way. She is very blunt and calls it as she sees it.  That filter that most people have, the one that allows us to roll our eyes AFTER we've turned away, the filter that keeps our mouth closed tight and makes us bite our tongue when what we would really like to do is tell someone just how idiotic they are.  That filter?  My daughter doesn't yet have one.

Now, she comes by this quite honestly.  I have been known to storm in, guns blazing, kicking ass and taking names and asking questions later.  Especially when it involves my children.  Ya just don't mess with mama bear's cubs.

Anyway, because of my daughters passion she gets herself in trouble.  She's often in the midst of whatever drama is going around and even I am frequently unsure and have to ask who we are hating on this week because it's surely different.  She has that one best friend of course, through thick and thin (although I sometimes think this friend makes things worse!).

I usually do my best to let the middle school drama play itself out.  Unless it starts getting out of hand these kids will usually figure things out on their own, and quite honestly, by the time you interfered they will most likely be the best of friends already when just a minute ago they wanted to kill each other.  It's part of growing up, it's part of learning skills we need in adulthood.

But I have a problem with adults who are bullies.  A big problem.

Hailey has a teacher this year who meets this criteria.  She makes frequent snide, off the cuff remarks and to listen to her talk, seems to be right on the same maturity level of the 14 year olds she teachers.  I've always thought this, but paid her no attention because I didn't really need to.  Hailey dealt with her fine on her own, although they butted heads from time to time it never really got too crazy.

Until now.

Hailey joined track again this year.  You might remember last year how I was beaming with pride as my daughter finished the 800 a half a lap ahead of any of her competitors.  Hailey really has a gift for running, and track gives her pride.  Every year her behavior improves, her grades improve, her self esteem improves.  It's great to have her so focused on something.

Well this year she has a new coach.  One who pretty strictly adheres to the athletic code.  You see, Hailey isn't a great student.  She just isn't.  She can bust her ass all day and pull a C if she's lucky.  She has an IEP but if you know anything about our school district you know they are a joke here.  She's hard to teach, I know, I've done it when we homeschooled.

Well her coach decided that he would allow the "passing or sit out" rule to be waived IF Hailey's teachers said she was showing improvement week to week.  We were thrilled about this and Hailey took it on wholeheartedly.  She even brought her English grade to an A!!!!

However Science and History are a struggle.  Even kids who are honor roll students all their lives get tripped up with this science class, so it's no surprise she's failing.  She's also failing history, which she has with the above mentioned teacher.

Well, this past monday Hailey came home upset because this teacher told her she would not be allowing her to run in the track meet.  This was MONDAY.  Basically this teacher wasn't even interested in allowing Hailey to try, she had made her mind up and sure enough, despite Hailey turning in every assignment all week, she refused to sign off on Friday so Hailey did not get to run in the track meet.

Hailey's confidence is broken.  She decided not to attend track practice today and chose instead to work on some homework with her friend.  Although I'm thrilled, I"m sad. She's writing track off.  This teacher has continued to bully her with snide comments such as today when someone commented that Hailey's hair looked different this teacher said "maybe she finally washed it".  That kind of statement has no place coming from a teacher.

The mom in me wants to go and show her what it feels like to be bullied.  But certainly someone whose target is children has very little self esteem themself and because of that I should feel sorry for her. I did however email the principal and told him this will NOT be tolerated.  I'm not sure how far to go with it as Hailey is already afraid the teacher will retaliate against her because of anything I do.  Where is the fine line between teaching your child to respect others and allowing them to stand up for themselves?

Jobless

So, come July 1st I will be jobless.  After almost 2 years working in Registration at the hospital.  In January I went from 2 hrs per week float shifts to 30 hours per week overnights.  I can't say overnights has been especially pleasant.  In fact it has taken a toll on me, my family, my schoolwork.  But I still planned to continue until August when I hoped I could just move into another job with the same clinic that owns our hospital.

Until I realized that my Externship, which takes place from July 6-August 27th isn't one day a week as I thought.  This externship requires me to put in 180 hours in 7 weeks.

I immediately went into full blown panic mode.  I may work 10 hours less a week than most people who work full time, but give the fact that my shifts are 10 hour overnight shifts, given the fact that I have six kids, given the fact that my health both physically and emotionally aren't the best due to the stress of it..... well, this is not going to work!

So my husband and I decided the only option would be for me to leave my job (hopefully I'll be able to stay on pool status!) and concentrate on finishing school.  I have some PTO I will get when I leave, and we have some money we've been saving and Craig's child support is finished as of May 11th and my ex is now paying his again so....... we'll be ok.  We'll be better off than we were when I was a SAHM actually but when you get use to having extra money, well it's hard to give that up!

But I have to take care of me first.

And I hate nights.

I've lost my muchiness.

If you haven't seen the new Alice in Wonderland yet you MUST MUST MUST see it.

There are two quotes I absolutely love in that movie.

"You've lost your muchiness.  You used to be much muchier" -The Mad Hatter

And

"you're downright bonkers.  But all the best people are"- Alice's dad

None of us are perfect.  Nobody fits inside a neat little package and is stamped with a quality control sticker.  And that's completely ok.  Society puts so much pressure on us.  I remember when my daughter was in kindergarten and a little girl in her grade wasn't eating lunch because she was "fat".  I remember just recently my daughter telling me she wanted to lift weights because she was too skinny.  My response?  Says WHO?  Who gets to decide what is too much or too little of anything.  What makes YOU perfect might be something completely different than what makes the next person perfect.  All I really know is that I'm happiest, and as close to perfect as can be when I'm honest with who I am.  You know what?  I'm a tiny bit chubby.  I've got freckles and should have had braces on my teeth and I had 3 moles removed from my face that have left raised scars.  And I fight with depression and anxiety and you know, may just be downright bonkers.  But that's me.  And that makes me happy.

From now on, I'm going to be much muchier :)

Beltane

Today is Beltane. The Pagan holiday that celebrates fertility.
This holiday, at this time of the year speaks to me. You see, out of my 9 pregnancies? 6 of them were conceived in the spring, 3 of them passed on to the other side in the spring.
This Beltane is bittersweet due to recent events. Fate made it possible for my husband and I to both have it off work. We plan to construct a Maypole for the kids to dance around and to light our first backyard fire with some friends, kick back with some "smushmallows" and Corona's and reflect on the beauty that surrounds us, because with 18 pregnancies between the two families? Celebrating fertility only seems proper.
Happy Beltane to all my friends, no matter what your religious affiliation. Oh, and if any of you were wondering where the idea of the Easter bunny came from?........ you only have to think of Beltane and what bunnies do best my friend.