Happy Hump day!

You know, it took me quite a while to figure out what "hump day" meant. It sounded dirty to me but I couldn't imagine the nice old lady from church referencing THAT in the supermarket aisle! It's one of those things that you don't want to sound stupid asking, so you spend months or years trying to figure it out and then viola! one day you get it. Kinda like CIAO, took me a while to get that one too.... not spelled how it sounds.

Anywa. I have SO much to blog about, I know i've been slacking. I have a great recipe to share with you, some thoughts on the texas polygamous thing, a gang of serial killers, and so much more to share with you in the next few days. I've been enjoying being outside with the kids. Aside from getting snowed on every once in a while we've had some pretty decent weather, even some 70's to enjoy!

All is well so far on the pregnancy front. I'm 6 weeks tomorrow already. I know, 6 weeks doesn't sound like much but it seems I just found out yesterday, when in fact it was over 2 weeks ago. Hopefully this is a sign that the next 7.5 months will fly by as well, one can hope. I'm not having any "morning" sickness yet, but if that's gonna hit me it doesn't usually until week 8, so it could be just around the corner. It seems to have been easier with the past few kids, with Alex I didn't have any, nor with Jack, and with Nate I was ill for about 2 weeks and then it went away as quickly as it started. So hopefully I will be spared yet again. I have to say that is my most dreaded part of pregnancy, I would rather chew off my own foot than vomit. The only symptoms I've had are some stretchy-pullies of my round ligaments, a ravenous appetite, and sleeping more than any normal person should. Oh, and I'm a bit hormonally imbalanced, poor Craig gets his head chewed off for no reason. This is the part of pregnancy HE dreads lol

Of course everyone we talk to asks us if we are hoping for a girl. To be honest, we kind of are. Of course healthy is the main concern but it would be nice to add some more pink frilly dresses to his house. Although if it is another boy that means we don't have to buy much, since my sister in law still has Nate's entire infant wardrobe I'll just get back from her. The only thing we know we will be buying no matter what is this stroller . It's one of the only double strollers than can accomidate my Combi Connection carseat which I will be using again. Since Nate will be only barely 23 months when the monkey is due, a stroller than can contain them both will be necessary.

Speaking of Nate. My baby boy has self weaned. On one hand it makes me tremendousely sad that our breastfeeding relationship is over. But on the other hand I'm proud that he was able to nurse until he didn't need it anymore. Weaning was not forced on him and was not a traumatic experience in any way for him. He is turning into a big boy. Although he still refuses to walk the little stinker!

My first appt is May 29th. I'll be 10 weeks then. I probably won't have an ultrasound at all until my level 2 around 19 weeks when they check the babies heart and all that jazz. We will not be finding out the gender of this baby until birth, and will not be sharing our choice of names until then either. Surprises are always fun. I am planning an unmedicated water birth and we will likely have our kids present at the birth.

We are so excited for this baby. It doesn't matter if a baby is the first or the 8th or probably even the 16th (let ya know if i make it there, i doubt it!) each one is such a blessing and the feeling of excitement is never lessened because I've done this many times before. I am so grateful that God trusts me to allow me to raise these children. What a huge responsibility and a huge gift and I often wonder what I've done to deserve getting pregnant easily and having all of these children, I often feel a bit unworthy. Sniffle..... hormones!

Anyway. So I could just ramble on for days but I'll spare you.

Do not open til Christmas

That's right! Baby #8 is due on Christmas day and we are absolutely thrilled! God is good!

I have news

But you'll have to wait for it til Monday........... hahahah! How mean.

Our decision to be quiverfull

This was originally posted March 20th. Today seemed like a good day to recycle it.

I have skated around this part of our lives for quite some time here. I know we have family members and even friends probably who may not understand or accept this decision for our family and I guess I've just not come out in the open with it because..... well this is something that Craig and I needed to work out for ourselves. It took a lot of time, prayer, discussions. I now feel very comfortable with the decision we have made regarding the size of our family and in such I no longer fear other people's reactions.Who knew there was a name for it.

The full quiver ..... belief (or whatever you want to call it, some people call it "mindset" and for me, it's not a mindset at all, it most definitely goes far beyond that). But in case you are unfamiliar with the term, people who choose to be Quiver-full basically believe that the word of God tells us quite clearly that our fertility should be left to him, and not us. There are many passages that reference this including:Psalm 127:3-5 "Lo, children are an heritage of the LORD: and the fruit of the womb is his reward.As arrows are in the hand of a mighty man;so are children of the youth.Happy is the man that hath his quiver full of them:they shall not be ashamed, but they shall speak with the enemies in the gate."Genesis 1:28And God blessed them; and God said to them, "Be fruitful and multiply, and fill the earth, and subdue it; and rule over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the sky, and over every living thing that moves on the earth."

While it's true that God calls upon us to be stewards of our lives. There are good reasons to limit the amount of money, ministries, and even children we have. Every couple must work with God on the answers to these questions within their own family. The problem comes in when we decide, sometimes selfishly to limit the number of children we have based on our own worldly desires and fail to allow God into the conversation.

As far as my family, I use to have a very different idea of birth control than I do now. I had never really thought much about it as a matter of fact and began using birth control in various forms in high school just like everyone else I knew.In early 2002 we were unexpectedly given a surprise. Our 5th pregnancy. We had been using birth control and had always thought that 4 would complete our family. Upon learning of this new addition on the way, we decided that since birth control didn't seem to work well for us, we would pursue a permenant form of sterilization. About 3 months into my pregnancy my husband had a vasectomy.Our 5th little french fry, Jacksen blessed our family in September of that year and we couldn't be happier. In June of 2003 we bought our home and things really seemed to be right.

Then, for some unexplainable reason that fall I started getting these tiny nigglings in my heart like someone was missing from our family. I explained it away and ignored it, never speaking a word of it to my husband and figuring it would go away. I mean at some point everyone is content with the size of their family right?Over the course of the next 6-9 months though, those feelings grew rapidly and increasingly hard to ignore. That spring I brought the subject up to my husband who was anything but feeling the same way. We discussed the problem and realized that we both came from very different worlds on the issue. He didn't have much, if any, desire to have more children and by this time I couldn't sleep at night over it.In June of 2004 we discussed it again. I told him how it was almost all consuming. That I didn't necessarily want another child but the feeling that we had done something horribly wrong by having the vasectomy wouldn't leave me. I didn't feel right in my heart and I had tried for such a long time to work it out and come to terms and all that jazz, but it was just getting stronger and stronger. I prayed every night for God to please just take this feeling from my heart, or to speak to my husbands because I couldn't live like this the rest of my life.

That November something changed in my husband's heart. I still to this day don't know all of his reasons , but he made the appointment to have the vasectomy reversed. It most certainly had something to do with the post vasectomy pain syndrome he had been dealing with, I'm sure it had something to do with the fact that this issue was causing an increasing rift in our marriage, and maybe it had something to do with God speaking to him as well.

He had the vasectomy reversal in December and decided that a 6th little blessing, God willing, would be a welcome addition to our family. We let the cards fall where they would, and within a few months were blessed with a positive pregnancy test.

As you know, our son was not healthy. At the time neither of us realized that this was the ultimate test of our faith and our strength and our ability to listen to God, for once. Alex's illness was a lesson in evaluating what we could and should have control of in our lives. It was a time of learning to let go, to relinquish control in areas we weren't qualified to direct. It didn't come easy, as change never does. There were times we prayed and begged God, and there were times we shunned him and went our own way. In the end, we learned that life and death aren't really our area of expertise, that God has been doing this for an eternity and as we trusted the doctors, who were more qualified than us to treat heart conditions we also learned to trust God.

The evening of our son's funeral my husband expressed to me his wish to have another child. I was quite surprised but shortly realized that I wanted some of that too. I knew we'd never replace Alex, but we could replace some things. We could replace the hope we had, the dreams we'd had, the expectations we had. We could no longer have those things with him, but we could with another baby. Not everyone agreed that it was the right thing for us, but for once we had a clear understanding. I akin the whole thing to the military, we were so broken down and our control issues, our egos, our selfishness stripped away that God could finally do the work he had been trying to...... he could finally get in and lead us where he wanted us to go.

We got pregnant right away with our Nathan. The pregnancy was anything but easy. It did replace those things we had hoped, but it also brought with it fear and sometimes sadness. It was then that we really learned to rely on God and his inate wisdom. We had nothing else to rely on. That pregnancy was built solely on trust with the Lord.

It wasn't until Nathan was born that we began to really think about what our plans would be as far as birth control. To be all honest in the early months we didn't really have a plan. We flip-flopped from being done with babies to being unsure about pretty much everything. We prayed a lot. God gave us our answer in the form of us realizing that there was really no form of birth control that suited us. At that time we didn't make a concious choice not to use birth control, we just simply didn't out of lack of a better option.The more we prayed and listened and talked to each other and evaluated our life and our plans we learned that what we needed to do was actually pretty obvious. We realized that everything we had been through had been preparing us for this decision and God was just waiting for us to make it.

It took a lot of soul searching and a lot of time but we came to the understanding that we had been through hell and back and to learn nothing from it would make Alex's life, and death, and all our struggles a moot point. God was showing us, very clearly that we needed to give him control of how many blessings he wanted for us. We of course, had the worries. We aren't rich people, what if we couldn't provide for these children? What if we outgrew our home? We kind of took a deep breath and decided that the bible tells us that God provides, so we should allow him to do his part while we do ours. And then and there, things changed for our family. God has provided. He gave us the means to add on to our home. He has helped Craig's job when the whole situation has been very rocky and uncertain. He has directed me in my career. When we started listening to him our world changed, became a lot less stressfull and more meaningful.

I would be lying if I said that there weren't times when the thought of having another child didnt' terrify us. But I soon redirect myself and understand that those times are times of our own selfishness and the control issues coming back into play. Nothing good can come of that and we soon settle back into worrying less, living more.

It has been 14 months (today!) since Nathan was born and we have not used any form of birth control aside from the natural child spacing we have acheived through extended breastfeeding (which is not a sure fire method! I warned ya!) We don't know if Craig's vasectomy reversal has scarred over, which sometimes happens and we don't want to know. If we were blessed with another child we would be thrilled and if not, we are thrilled with the family we have. It's so nice not to wonder anymore, are we denying a child? Should we do this or that? We just don't let it affect our lives and are much happier for it.

Every night I pray that if God feels that we should have another child, I ask that he help me keep an open heart and mind and that he protect my health and provide for that child. So, there you have it.

Hopefully some questions have been answered for some of you. We value your support and understand that you may feel differently about the topic for you, or for us but we have made the decisions we have made based on some hard lessons learned and at this point we beleive this is what God wants for our family and so it is what we want for our family. We just ask you to respect that as much as we respect your decisions about your family size. I don't think badly of anyone who uses birth control as it is a personal decision between you, your husband, and God and God doesn't want the same thing for all of us.

The sad story of the imprisoned smoke detector

So. about a week and a half ago we begin hearing this occasional chirp. The chirp that a smoke alarm makes when the battery is low. We have 12 smoke detectors in this house (what? Paranoid? nah!) so for a couple days we listened and tried to figure out which one it was. We couldn't track the sound, it was so random and spaced out so we figured that since most of these smoke alarms went in during our remodel, either being the new hard-wired variety or simply having been replaced we would just change out the batteries in them all. If one was low they were surely all getting low.

So Friday my husband does just that. He spends an insane amount of money on batteries and sets to changing every battery in every smoke detector. That should do it!

Until....... CHIRP. WHAT? we looked at each other slightly confused. How the hell is one still chirping? So we go to work in earnest, hours spent standing in various places trying to trace the chirp to figure out which one it is. Ok maybe not hours, but there's a good possibility.

Finally we trace it to the basement stairs. Except there's no smoke detector on the basement stairs.......... My husband looks at me with this "Oh shit" type of expression on his face as he realizes what has happened.

"Do you remember, before the basement was finished we had that smoke alarm that sat on the little ledge in the stairway?" He asks as I too realized our problem. My husband sheetrocked the smoke alarm in.

"We'll just leave it, the battery should die soon" I say.

Well, by last night I had had enough of the damned chirping. "Tomorrow, you are doing whatever it takes to find that thing and remove it's life force" I tell my sweet husband who formulates a plan that involves the least amount of distruction to his stairwell masterpeice.

This morning I wake up to the sound of a jigsaw. He's cutting a small hole in the sheetrock to find the smoke alarm, remove it, and replace the small peice. Great idea right?

Except the hole he cut was in the WRONG PLACE. It was on the shelf ABOVE the one he'd remembered.

"Now what?" he asks as I walk past time upstairs not saying a word. Sorry buddy, this is your thing.

He reaches in his hole and is able to find the smoke alarm and fiddle with it enough to get the cover off. But when he does, the chirping stops. Hey! Maybe that's fixed!

So this afternoon I'm taking a nap in my big comfy recliner and am awakened to the sound of ........hammering? Bang Bang Bang followed by BEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEP........ BEEPBEEPBEEP. Now ya did it.

15 minutes later the beeping AND the hammering fell silent forever as my dear king emerged from his lair with a mangled 9 volt battery in hand. God I love that man.

Now when is he going to fix the wall I wonder?

So I went

I saw the therapist yesterday and will be going every week for a while. She really gave me some insight. I have had people telling me, and I've been telling myself that I have to process what happened to Alex, I have to deal with that or I won't be able to move on.

I got a huge sense of relief when she said "why would you do that? If you fall off a bike and break your leg you don't keep recreating the scene to figure out how it happened in order to heal it, you move FORWARD not backward"

She also said that she thinks Alex's death made me lose some faith in my intuition. I don't trust myself anymore. That would make sense since I've always wondered how I could have not known he was sick. Truth is, I did, I just denied it.

It's going to be a slow process. The first thing we are working on is for me to be able to sleep because my inability to sleep at night is making everything else that much more pronounced. She gave me some ideas to help my anxiety at night so I can fall asleep. It seemed to help last night, hopefully it will continue.

I'm glad I took the step. I was afraid but she really picked a lot of things out that I didn't realize. I was going about my recovery in completely the wrong way. I was trying to fix things that didn't need to be fixed and missing the ones that did.

I did it

Today I made an appointment to see a counselor. I see her tomorrow afternoon. I realized that I do need someone to talk to, someone to help me sort things out and that can't be just random people, it has to be someone outside my situation entirely who won't judge me. I've gotten a few emails from people saying "eh, just don't let anything people say bother you" but to be honest, I think i'm just fragile enough right now that I wouldnt' be able to do that. I need time to be able to do that.


So, I know some of you are breathing a sigh of relief that after 2 years I'm finally getting some help. Maybe you knew all along something I didn't. I just don't want anyone to confuse my passion with my craziness. That's all. Even when I'm not crazy I'm still passionate. Or maybe it's that even when I'm not passionate I'm still crazy? Nah!

I figured it out

I know where this sudden bout of depression is coming from. Writing my book is making me face things I haven't faced before. It's making me look in the eye what happened and realize that it wasn't some movie played out on a screen, it was MY LIFE. I've been stuffing it for so long, and now I'm having to face it as the words come from my brain, through my fingertips, on to that blank page.



I'm sure it will be liberating once it's done, but I think that right now I'm going to have to allow the feelings to come, if I"m going to finally let go....

You would probably be surprised...

If I told you that I feel censored here. Funny right? With all the things I rant and rave about you are probably thinking if THIS is censored.............?! Right?

But I do. I feel censored. I have my opinions on issues and whatever and I have NO problem being challenged on them. I love a good debate (I know, shocker eh?) and love that my readers can get just as fired up as I do. And I'm really glad this blog has been that outlet for me since it's really not a great idea to walk into a supermarket and announce over the loudspeaker that I think we, as a society of mothers are failing. Here, I won't likely get punched in the face. I'm delicate, I don't need that. Here, I can hammer out a conflict with a reader with words and not fists, I prefer it that way. I don't get to be opinionated in real life.

So How could I possibly feel censored here if I'm willing to spew my words of craziness about breastfeeding, politics, religion, and childbirth with little regard as to whom I offend? Well, I can't talk about ME here. That's the problem.

In attracting a following of likeminded people. People that love to debate and either love me because of my opinions and can't wait to hear the next, or hate me for them but can't stay away from the trainwreck. People that judge me (as they have the right to) for this and that. It's easy to be judged for my opinions about issues, it's not easy to be judged on MY issues.

But you know. This blog is my life and I really need to just be me and I have to figure that if you don't like it, or if it makes me appear weak, or if you think I need psychotropic medication and a padded cell that's your perogative. But I need to work out some of the things going on in that noggin. I need to figure things out and I need to be able to write freely to do that. So from today forward I am not going to censor myself on this blog. I'm not going to sit with a blank page open anymore with so much to type but close it and move on due to fear of what people might think. Will they think I'm a bad mother because I've battled depression? What would they think of me if they knew I was molested at age 5? What if XYZ part of my life bothers people or makes them uncomfortable?

I'm just not going to do that anymore. I have to be able to use this blog to heal, heal from a lot of things in my life that I haven't scratched the surface on. And either my readers can learn a bit about me and why I am the way I am, or they can find other reads that more closely fit what they are looking for.

So that's that. The change has been made. From this day forward there will be no holding back. No backspacing what I write, no posts saved to draft never to be published. And if that means I get judged, I do. I need to learn to allow these parts of my life to be seen and maybe even to be commented on so I can deal with them out in the open and I appreciate your help.

Anyway

Ok enough about politics. Who likes politics anyway? Buncha elephants and Jackasses.

Final note on the subject (well, for now hehe) I don't expect you to vote or not vote for someone simply because I say so. What I ask of you is to consider what could happen to our country if 1/4 of the things I've said in the last 2 entries are correct. Then do the research yourself and decide if it's a risk you are willing to take. That's all. And to those of you who have said to me, in more words or less that you want people to make informed decisions, well we have something in common! The difference between us is that I want them to make informed decisions based on having ALL the information and you want them to make decisions based on the information you are willing to share with them. If this weren't true you wouldn't be so upset that I posted the information I did.

As you can tell there was no weekends are for pictures this week. I am working on some pics for other people and mine have been pushed to the back burner for now I'm afraid. Hopefully next weekend!

A social experiment

You know, sometimes this blog is just that. It's not intended to be by any means but it ends up being that way. It fascinates me when certain chords are struck just how much of a wad people can get their underwear bunched up into. It also fascinates me at the different ways they go about it.

Some people get angry and namecall
Some people act holier than thou about the whole thing
Some people try to convince you why you are wrong and they are right

It's all very fascinating. Just my own little social experiment here on my little blog.

This post is right up there in the running for the title of "post to illicit the most hate-mails". I did read them all, rest assured. I didn't feel the need to respond to each individually but the ones that were well thought and written with a shred of intelligence I did, so if you didn't get a response from me...... pull your head out of your ass ok?

Anyway, so I'm not surprised at the crazy outcry. What I don't understand is why people LIKE this guy so much? Why people will wait in line for HOURS to get tickets to listen to him, worse yet, drag children to listen to him. That's some brainwashing at it's best my friends. Create another generation of people who think racism, elitism, and jackass-ism are ok. Anyone read revelations? That book at the end of the bible? Yeah, ya should. Really. Might actually sound........ familiar.

I am afraid for this country. I am afraid for my children to inherit what this country is becoming. I don't know that any president could turn everything around, too much damage has been done. But I do know that without a strong, FAIR, experienced leader we are in serious trouble. And by the way, to a few of you who wondered......... I am not really behind any candidate at this moment. I don't think any of them are that great. So this is not about me pushing my pick on anyone.

Just another little ditty of an observation. I recently spoke to someone, and know a few others that fit this bill too who will be voting for Obama. She also voted for Bush and stomped on anyone who didn't love him to death. 2 years ago she had an epiphany and decided Bush is evil......... but she's SURE this time. Really.

Oh hey, btw. Did you hear what dumbass Obama said in Indiana? The funny thing is, as with Bush, all we have to do is let them talk for a while and their true colors shine through. Keep talkin Obama, keep talkin.

Why I'll be writing my name on the ballot

I have never been what I would say a FAN of Obama, but I didn't really hate the guy either until recently. In fact, at one time I considered voting for him. But then a strange creepy feeling crept up in my gut, and I've learned to trust that feeling.

Then Oprah jointed his efforts. That's when the creepy crawlies really took over. You see, I like Oprah. I think her show has some great information at times and her recent "Oprah's big give" effort was commendable. However, there is something that bugs me about Oprah. I might get flamed for saying this but it won't be the first time I've been flamed. I think Oprah is racist.

I totally beleive in equality for all US citizens. I beleive slavery was an abomination and carry shame that my ancestors may have been a part of it. HOWEVER, I don't agree with black people continuing to take that out on white people today. I never in my entire life had slaves working on my property and neither does anyone I know. And chances are, YOU have never been a slave. So we need to just stop it and practice the social equality that we ALL want for our children's future. We need to BE the example. So get over here and give my white irish ass a hug, will ya?

Ok, the only reason I even brought that up is to make my point. When Oprah teamed up with Obama I kinda made the ooooh crunchy face. Now I don't know if he shares her views or not, so I have to give him the benefit of the doubt and say he does not, but it's something I can't ignore. You are judged by the company you keep.

The more I learned about Obama, the clearer the reasoning for my gut feeling became.

He has almost no experience dealing with national issues and risks. That is scary to me. How competent and able are you when you don't know what you are doing?

Obama is pro-choice, even for partial-birth abortion. He cried “horrific” when the Supreme Court banned partial-birth abortion. Supports no care for babies born alive who were victims of botched abortions. This is DISGUSTING and inhumane. Recently he said that when his daughters are older, if they "made a mistake" he wouldn't want them to have to pay for it by having a baby.... WHAT?!

He voted “in favor of giving illegal aliens further rewards and other incentives to come such as in-state tuition, educational benefits, welfare, and health care services” per Immigration Stance.

He also tells a lot of lies:

My Grandmother Has Always Been A Christian - she does her daily Salat prayers at 5am according to her own interviews.

Father Was A Proud Freedom Fighter - his father was part of one of the most corrupt and violent governments Kenya has ever had

I Never Practiced Islam - you practiced it daily at school, where you were registered as a Muslim and kept that faith for 31 years, until deciding to run for office.

My School In Indonesia Was Christian - you were registered as Muslim there and got in trouble in Koranic Studies for making faces (as per YOUR OWN book).

Because I Lived In Indonesia, I Have More Foreign Experience - you were there from the ages of 6 to 10, and couldn’t even speak the language. Please.

I Won’t Run On A National Ticket In ‘08 - yet here you are, despite saying, live on TV, that you would not have enough experience by then, and you are all about having experience first. Did you miraculousely find an experience tree?

The Ethics Bill Was Hard To Pass - it took just 14 days from start to finish.

Without Me, There Would Be No Ethics Bill - you didn’t write it,introduce it, change it, or create it.

I Wrote A Tough Nuclear Bill - your bill was rejected by your own party for its pandering and lack of all regulation - mainly because of your Nuclear Donor, Exelon, from which David Axelrod came.

My Economics Bill Will Help America - your 111 economic policies were just combined into a proposal which lost 99-0, and even YOU voted against your own bill.

I don’t Have Lobbysists - you have over 47 lobbyists, and counting.

I Am As Patriotic As Anyone - yet you won’t wear a flag pin and you don’t put your hand over your heart during the Anthem?

My Church (Trinity church) Is Like Any Other Christian Church - your church is so extreme, the pastor who married you, Rev. Wright, just got done blaming the US for 9/11 and named Louis Farrahkan their person of the year. The church is founded on racism and hate.
Any father who approves of his children being taught racial hate and division should not lead this country. He chose to take his small children to a church where their little minds were poisoned by Racial hate. Is that what he has planned for the minds of OUR children?

Now. Do politicians lie? Sure. All of em do. That doesn't make one worse than the rest. Something about this guy just rubs me the wrong way and when I think about him running this country I get the same feeling of fear and dread as I did when Georgie won the vote. And we all know how that turned out..........

And before you ask. No, I'm not necessarily a Hillary promoter. Honestly at this point I'm not sure who I'm going to vote for at all. And the more I research it the more I may decide I hate them all and write my own name on the ballot in November. Who knows.

So far we haven't gotten a smidgen of the snow they said we would, but it just started snowing again so I'll wait to gloat until after the watch is over. I talked to Austin's bio father in Superior a couple hours ago and he said that everything is shut down up there. Now, when people in Superior and Duluth can't traverse the roads, that's some wicked weather! Apparently they are having 60+ mph windds and stuff which is likely the driving problem, the high bridge doesn't like wind. I know, I've been on it while it's windy. Nothing will quite freak you out like coming onto a bridge high over Lake Superior and seeing a flashing sign (CAUTION: HIGH WIND! Bridge may sway) yeah THAT sounds like fun! Now this is probably pretty common for those of you in Cali with suspension bridges, but our bridges are NOT suspension bridges. They aren't made to sway! Ok, maybe a little but it's still enough to give me panic attacks and a couple years of a xanax prescription.

I've been telling my husband for weeks not to buy milk with growth hormones in it. I've always been concerned about them but a few weeks ago I literally woke up in a cold sweat at 3am unable to go back to sleep because of growth hormones in the milk. Don't ask me why I do these things, I just do.

So. he usually goes to the store because quite frankly I'm too lazy. There I said it. I'm too lazy to go to the store but when I request something specific I expect it to be in my house when you return. Too much to ask? I'ts normally not an issue because I have the greatest husband on the planet who rarely makes mistakes and is almost never wrong. And we'll just let him keep beleiving that.

Well this milk issue has been........ and issue. See, we live in this godforsaken, small ass, redneck as you can get in the north, town where people go to the local bar for burgers loaded with peanut butter and a beer gut is a status symbol. It's not really the easiest place on earth to find anything that is good for you. I'm not even joking, if your husband doesn't have a BMI of at least 42 the women in town shake their heads when you walk by noting your failure to keep your husband fed and healthy.

So, I've been asking my husband to make sure he gets 3 things when he goes to the store. Sara Lee whole grain white bread, antibiotic free poultry, and milk without growth hormones in it. Every time he has returned home to tell me they don't carry either item and ya know, I beleived him because it wouldn't be that far fetched to think you may not find these things in greasy burger land.

So i've been traveling 20 miles every week for my beloved Sara Lee Whole grain white bread, antibiotic free poultry and milk without growth hormone. Stupid, stupid girl.

Today I went to the store myself (partly to escape mr crabbyass who is quitting smoking and not the most pleasant person to spend time with) and what do I find? All 3 of these items in our local store. They weren't even out of reach, hiding behind other items or ANYTHING. UGH.

But ya know, the nice wife that I am, I'm not even going to make an issue of it. Maybe this is motivation for me to get off my ass and do my own shopping. Yeah, that'll happen.

What he hell month is it?

Cause I thought it was april, the middle of freaking April at that. And here we are staring down a freaking blizzard! Someone pull mother nature's head out of her butt please? She obviousely can't see the calendar!

Not much else to report. Had my annual girly exam today which is always a great time. The midwife and I were contemplating as to what the statistics might be on mothers who have many children and heart attack numbers after she was listening to my super strong, marathon runner slow heartrate. Because if you think about it, pregnancy is like training for a marathon, maybe we have stronger hearts because of it? Who knows.

Anyway. I was thrilled to hear that everything looks good and not pregnant lol I mean I totally trust in God's divine judgement on the whole thing but It wouldn't hurt my feelings to have a few more months. I'm sure if she'd have told me I were pregnant I'd be just as thrilled though.

Poor Shaylin fell yesterday at school and did some crazy scuffing to both knees, one elbow, and one hand. She's covered in bandaids and can hardly walk for the pain. I feel sooooo bad for her! On Saturday she has her photo shoot for the pageant, I hope she's feeling better so she can have some fun with it.

Anyway, off to curse mother nature and clean my house

Happy monday

Not so happy, it SNOWED this morning. After a beautifully warm weekend too. BLAH!

I know I haven't been posting as much as usual and there's a good reason for that. I'm really putting my effort into writing my book. It's a process of self discovery and remembrance and i'm enjoying it. So my creative efforts are focused on that rather than this blog. Don't worry, I'm not going anywhere and I'm still going to post and update and what-not, but I'm just giving blogging a little less of my time than before for a while.

Weekends are for pictures! 4-6-08

That Knot

Ugh. Few people know THAT knot. The knot that the parents of Ethan Powell have in the pit of their stomachs this evening. It feels literally like your heart is in your throat and you feel like you are holding your breath but then you realize you aren't.

You sit there in that room, doctors sit there with you. You all watch the monitors because you all know that there isn't one person in that room that can save that child right now. It's up to God and that baby at this moment. You watch the numbers and they mean so much, ever drift of a blood pressure every drift of a sat number means the world to you. You watch those numbers and when they start trending quickly in the wrong direction you see the doctors tense and the nurses look at them for instructions.

The monitor constantly sings it's scary song..... ding ding ding....ding ding..... over and over and over again no matter how many times they silence it. The blinking red numbers scream at you. Nothing else in the world exists. You don't hear the sounds of others talking, you don't hear the sounds of ventilators or the hustle and bustle in the hallways. You only hear the sound of that monitor and hang on to every word that is muttered from a doctor or nurses mouth..... listening, waiting for some indication that they know what's happening, for some clue.

You want to run away and hide and you want to run to your child and scoop them up and take them away from the invisible danger in the room. You can do none of those things. Helplessness takes over and you wish you could even cry but you can't. You are so far above, or maybe below any emotion.

The staff tries to comfort and inform you. You shake your head but don't really hear what they are saying......... the dinging of the monitor is so overwhelmingly loud and fills the entire room with it's terror. You sit there, the most insignificant person in the room yet the one with so much to lose. You are frozen in your seat as people glance your way, waiting for you to crumble. Yet they don't understand that you are so far beyond that, you are on autopilot. Time slows down, seconds become hours and that god forsaken dinging won't stop. You feel your heart pound and think it might just burst at any moment........

Maybe it gets better. Maybe with enough blood, enough medications, enough equipment they finally stabalize him. You walk to his bedside and hold him as much as you can, terrified to touch him, terrified to feel. You look at his battered body and, maybe selfishly, thank God for another chance. You push the thought from your mind as to what this constant turmoil is doing to him because the alternative is too much to bear. You kiss him and dust yourself off as doctors beging to put their chairs away and filter out of the room with a sigh of relief. But the knot never goes away, it stays in it's spot in your stomach, sometimes waning for a time only to be brought back up when it all starts over again.

You never know when that monitor is going to start, and you never know if this is the time they won't get it to stop. Your life hangs in the balance almost as much as your child's does, your very sanity dependant on what the next 30 seconds will mean. This is a ride you can't get off. A scary room you can't find the exit to. The walls close in on you.

Imagine living this every day. Imagine living this every hour. The rollercoaster ride from hell. Just imagine..... and you will understand why when it's finally over the relief is as welcomed as anything. The pain is there, but at least you know that this pain will be different, in some ways easier to bear in some ways more difficult. Because the rollercoaster, the teetering between life and death is now over and the decision has been made. Once again you kiss his tiny body, afraid to touch him, and exhale slowly as the knot, for the first time in a very long time........... fades away.

For years you continue to hear the sound of that monitor in your head, it wakes you from your dreams and sometimes prevents sleep from coming altogether. But now, you get to wake from the nightmare from time to time.

Please pray for Ethan tonight. Pray for him to be healed in whichever way God has planned for him. Comfort his parents and give them the strength to hold on and if the time comes, the strength to let go.....

Please forgive me for I have sinned

Ok, so if you know me you may well know that I'm a bit of a homebody. I am like...... I don't know some sitcom mom baking and cooking and laundering (that sounds criminal) and whatever else. Well except for the whole immaculately clean house thing, cause I'm not entirely sure my house has ever been immaculately clean. It's just not a priority folks. We don't wallow in filth (most of the time) but ya know, I love lived in clutter, it makes me feel at peace.

Anyway, so it's a rare occasion I actually go out and do something. So when my wonderful friend emailed me yesterday and mentioned that we should go out for dinner and a drink I decided that yeah, we should. And we did.

So we got all wild and crazy......... wait no, that didn't happen, stick to the story Kat. We went to the pub/whatever it is my husband works at and we bellied up to the bar. Now, the last time I've had my belly to a bar was......... oh gosh I don't even remember. Since I was being all free and easy....... wait that's not true either. Gosh I'm just the queen of sinning with all these lies. Seince I was out of my element being AT a bar and sitting AT a bar I decided that the next thing to do would be ......... it.........

I ordered a drink. WITH ALCHOHOL IN IT! The kind that you have to show ID for! Good lord next thing you know I'm going to be flashing strangers at mardi gras. Ok probably not.

And I didn't stop at one. I had THREE. THREE ENTIRE ALCHOHOLIC DRINKS IN ONE SITTING. And a "skipper burger" with fries, but that's not new. I actually drank and wouldn't you know it, when you haven't drank but one a night here and there for years. You get DRUNK. Good lord I was drunk off 3 drinks. And it wasn't like they were super strong drinks, they were pre-bottled stuff.

But it was worth it. I had a few hours with a wonderful friend and talked about grown up things and laughed and discussed insignificant things and important things and deep tearful things and silly goofball things. Sure, we talked about kids, parents do that. But we had adult conversation and it was wonderful.

I need to do that more often. Not necessarily getting drunk (which wasn't so much fun later when I was laying on the living room floor trying to watch Hell's Kitchen because sitting on the couch was so far away I coudln't see straight), but getting out, spending time with a great friend who I've sadly neglected too much, and just being a grown up instead the gnome I've become.

Today is a good day. I'm no longer drunk thank goodness and the furniture store returned my wonderful comfy, oversized recliner with heat and massage that they were fixing. It's a good day my friends.