Friday, August 31, 2007

Show me the money...

Ok so I said I was going to blog about baby Einstein.... that is still coming. Ok so I haven't even written it yet but I've thought about it so that's a good step in the right direction.

I am just about to begin reading a book called "Milk, Money, Madness". I assure you there will be a lengthy blog entry following my completion of it.

So. This entry is about money. I was talking to my oldest daughter yesterday and the conversation, as it does a lot with her, turned to money. She's in that age, where vanity pretty much runs the show and thier biggest stressor is what if Britney wears the SAME thing I do to school the first day...... Remember being 12?

So, she says to me:

Momma? What would you do if you won the lottery?

Now I have put a lot of thought into this question, much like every other person on the planet I'm sure. My answer tends to be a little different than the average Joe though.

I asked her to answer first. And my daughter, this beautiful girl who it seems just yesterday was toddling around in my shoes playing dress up (her feet are now bigger than mine), who I swear just last week graduated pre-kindergarten says the most intelligent, most caring, most compassionate, and most well thought thing I've ever heard.

Well..... I would first buy us a house. But not a HUGE house, just a house big enough for us to be comfortable and not cramped. Then I'd buy grandma and auntie J and uncle A houses too.... the just right kind too. Then, I'd buy you all dependable cars if you didn't already have them, so that everyone can be safe....

I TOTALLY at this point expected my daughter to start in with HER personal wish list. A convertible maybe? A horse? All the clothes at Gap?

My child people is the most wonderful 12 year old girl I've ever met. Because instead of telling me what she would buy for herself or her friends, she told me something that made my heart melt and tears stream down my face.

And THEN, she told me..... I would watch people.

I asked her what she meant by watch people.

"I would watch people, like a single mom who's busting her butt trying to pay the rent? I'd buy her a house. And the guy who walks to his job at McDonalds in the cold every winter? You remember him? I'd buy him a car. Just show up with it one day and ring his doorbell and run away so he didn't know who it was......

And then I'd find some sick kids who didn't have money for treatments. Like S's friend N who needed the cochlear implants? Weren't those like $100,000? Yeah kids like her. And I'd give thier moms and dads the money so they could hear again, see again, walk again.

And I'd go to big cities and I'd find the homeless people and most people say they would buy them lunch, but I wouldn't do that. I would really HELP them. Like find out why they are homeless... what happened? Was it drugs? injury or illness? And if they needed drug treatment I would pay for it, and when they graduated I would help them find a job and an apartment.

By this time I'm crying visibly. She asks me what is wrong and I tell her to continue because hers is the most beautiful wish I've ever heard.

She continues for another few minutes about the various types of people and what she would do to help them better thier lives. She has REALLY thought this through, it's amazing.

Then she stops and says

"But I'll never win the lottery or anything like that" I ask her why...

"Because did you ever see the people who win the lottery? When they get asked what they are going to do with the money they always say things like travel, or buy a big fancy house, or leave it to make sure thier kids are rich........

So I've decided that I think money really IS evil. So since I want to do good with it the devil will never allow me to have it. God doesn't control it at all, the devil does....... and I never want to join his side even if it means I could help people. Because money isn't the only way. Like the lady I helped with her groceries today, all these grown ups walked around her cause she was moving slow and I helped her with her bags and she was a very nice lady, she gave me $10 and wouldn't take it back............ do you know what I did with it?

She just looked at me, this sly grin on her face for a bit..... "I flushed it down the toilet, take THAT Devil!"
Now tell me. How did I get lucky enough in life to be the mom to a pre-teen like this. I must not be completely screwing up after all!
Did you know that the average American gives 10% of his income to charity and the average millionaire gives only 4%?

Saturday, August 25, 2007

My kid is better than yours

What is it with people feeling the need to compare children. I see/hear this constantly. A mother can't help herself; when she hears another mother excitedly talk about her baby, but chime in with her own story about how her child walked at 3 days old and was speaking full sentences at 2 months and went to princeton before most kids potty train.

Why? Why can't we accept that our children are unique individuals and they learn wonderful new things every day? Why do we feel the need to have the smartest, biggest, most astute children on the planet?

My own children are lazy. I'll admit it. My 3rd child didn't walk til he was nearly a year and half. He does it perfectly now. My daughter didn't crawl til almost a year..... they just had to implement a gifted program for her and a couple other students last year. My oldest was very quick to learn..... he now averages a D in school. Yet they all have strengths and weaknesses that make them who they are. They won't be good at everything, they will downright be awful at something, and they will excel at something else. That is perfectly fine with me.

I have more to write later, on the "baby einstein" phenomenon, but for now I must save the kittens from my 2 year old neice. I think I heard one say "help".

Friday, August 24, 2007

Bubba's site is back!

More proof that evil never wins!

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Distracted nurser

So, Nathan now has better things to do than nurse. He will nurse and get the foremilk then want to switch and get the foremilk on the second side and then he's done. His weight gain is tanking a bit and I think it's cause he just won't nurse long enough to get the hindmilk. I've tried getting him to stay on the first side and he just won't do it. I'm frustrated! Any tips?

Sunday, August 19, 2007

100 things about me

Oh hell, I haven't yet done one of these so I guess I'll do it. Let's see how many I get done before N wakes up.

1. I'm 31 years old
2. I have the best husband on the planet
3. Our 10 year anniversary is next month
4. No one thought we'd last a year
5. We got married 9 months and 3 days after we first met
6. Our first child together was born 4 months later
7. We have 8 kids between us
8. 2 are mine, 1 is his, and 5 are ours
9. Only 7 of them are living
10. 1 of them lives in ND with his maternal grandparents
11. We wish he could live here, but that will never be possible
12. Our living children range from age 16 to 7 months
13. I had my first child at 17
14. His sister came along not quite 2 years later
15. I don't know my father
16. I have 3 sisters and 2 brothers
17. I only claim 1 of each
18. My baby brother got married this year
19. In January he had no kids.... in October he'll have a third
20. His wife had a daughter before they met, his ex had his baby in May, thiers is due in Oct
21. He's so cute driving a mini van
22. 21 done? that's all?!
23. Despite having 6 kids and being a Doula.... I have little patience
24. Yet I am a procrastinator
25. I start projects all the time and never finish them
26. Right now I need to make C some chef's pants
27. I was raised by a single mother, on welfare
28. It wasn't a bad childhood.
29. My mom was always there
30. When I was 12 she moved us with nothing but our clothes to another city
31. And worked full time
32. I had to be mom to my brother (2) and my sister (8)
33. I resented my mom for that for many years
34. I don't anymore
35. That experience though paved the way for many of my beliefs now
36. I will probably breastfeed N til he's 2 or 3
37. Definitely not in high school
38. I love having 6 kids
39. It's not as stressfull as you'd think
40. I don't love having to drive a huge vehicle
41. I currently drive a suburban
42. I can't park it
43. I would love to have more kids
44. if my health improves
45. I'd adore twins
46. Maybe
47. My mom was a twin
48. Her sister died at birth
49. My mother had 7 living siblings
50. My grandfather worked for Al Capone
51. I am related to the late Mother Theresa
52. My grandfather died when my mother was only 9
53. My grandmother died when she was 19
54. My uncle died when she was 29
55. My Aunt Mary broke the "10 year curse" by refusing to die when my mother was 39
56. She has smoked like a chimney for 50 years
57. She's the healthiest person I know
58. Aside from her, I don't like my extended family
59. They are snobs
60. I've been called a snob
61. In some ways, they are right
62. I didn't speak as a child outside my home
63. I was that shy
64. My son has sensory integration dysfunction
65. It was caught and treated early
66. He's a "normal" 4 year old today
67. I am an organ donor
68. If my son could have used my heart, I would have cut it out myself
69. He had Tetralogy of Fallot with pulmonary atresia and absent pulmonary artery
70. big words for big problems
71. He was perfect in my eyes
72. His nurse use to call him a "bad egg"
73. That still makes me laugh
74. I found out after N was born that his name means "God's Gift"
75. He has an "angel kiss" birthmark on his nose
76. His ped said it should go away before he's a year
77. I secretly hope it doesn't. It's from his brother
78. If I had a million dolllars I would give it all away
79. Probably to stem cell research
80. I consider myself a democrat by default
81. I don't like the president
82. I don't know who i'll vote for in '08
83. It doesn't matter anyway
84. I have green eyes and red hair
85. I'm irish and polish
86. My oldest daughter is half native american
87. She is gorgeous
88. I always said her biological father would have made a pretty girl
89. He did
90. He isn't in her life
91. He's a homeless drunk
92. My oldest son is very involved with his father
93. As it shoudl be
94. I actually got through this whole thing during N's nap
95. I have had many jobs
96. A photographer, a bartender, a waitress
97. I served Cindy Crawfords family at her sisters wedding
98. I made $500 that day
99. We made $9,000 combined our first year of marriage
100. We seemed to have more money then

Saturday, August 18, 2007

Would you nurse someone else's child? Let someone nurse yours?

Ok, time to do what I always do. Pick myself up, dust myself off and stop having a pity party. It's not going to help anything. I've learned a valuable lesson...... caring mothers are capable of ANYTHING if they feel like they have lost a couple bucks.... even deactivating websites of dead children, yes even that.

Ok. moving on. Would you nurse someone else's child? Most of us will imediately say no, myself included. But really think about it and you might surprise yourself.

When my friend was pregnant my littlest pack member was 3 months old. She had always had trouble nursing her kids before but I convinced her that it was well worth it to just give it one more shot.

When her daughter was about...... 6 weeks old or so and not gaining the "ounce a day" they thought she should my friend thought that the babys latch was the problem. I watched her nurse and couldn't SEE a problem at all except the baby seemed to pop off a lot for a 6 week old.

That's when my friend, exasperated dropped the bombshell on me.

"Kat........ will you try nursing her and see what the problem is?"

I went through about a 6 second speed monologue in my head that went something like this... "WHAT?! I can't nurse your child! A child is suppose to drink his MOTHERS milk not someone else's! You are insane! I would NEVER let another woman nurse my child, no WAY..... OH MY GOD!"

The words that came out of my mouth, instead, was a pretty meek "ok" Gulp.

She handed me her baby and I proceded to nurse her. It wasn't as uncomfortable as I'd imagined. The baby nursed very well and fell promptly into what I call the "milk coma". I never was able to define a problem myself, but lo and behold from that day forward she nursed from her own mother like a champ! Who knows! I think it may have had something to do with a boost in moms confidence that her daughter WAS in fact able to nurse just fine.

So, would you ever nurse someone else's child? Under what circumstances? What about letting another mother nurse yours?

Thursday, August 16, 2007


I didn't sleep last night. I spent the night frantic with a pen and paper, going through Alex's box writing down any and all memories I still had. Whoever deleted his site..... I hope you slept well. I contacted them and they said the site was deleted by someone logging in with the password. I guess it's my fault for making the password too easy. I guess there really are people in the world who would go to those lengths. I hope you are happy and content. I hope you remember my son's face, because some days I have to look at pictures to do so. I'm certain I'll never find out who did it, but they know what they did and they will have to live with that.

I don't remember things. They say that in the first year of your childs life you retain 5%. I guess that number drops if you lose that child. Last night for the first time in a long time I looked at his little blood stained booties, his little lock of hair, the cute little flowers that hung over his head in his bed at the hospital. At least you didn't take those things away.

I know the people that are angry at me and did this to me visit this blog. And maybe I shouldn't give them the benefit of knowing how much this hurts me. I just hope that when everything is squared away with what they thought I did to them....... someone can come forward and admit what you've done. I admit I screwed up at least.

All I ask is, can you please leave my family alone now? Take your problems up with me but please don't hurt my family members any more. I made a mistake and trusted someone I shouldn't have and now I have to fix it, but you have taken something from my family that we can NEVER get back. All those journal entries, when I was in my darkest hour.... the journal entries that I hoped someday my children could read over and gain some understanding....... you took that from them! From my sister, brother, mother......... you took a peice of us. Hope it was worth it. You win.

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

The first Happy Meal

And McDonald's thought they had invented the Happy Meal!

*this is not my baby or my photo. It was sent to me in an email. If you know who the photo belongs to let me know so I can credit them!

Sunday, August 12, 2007

Makes ya think!

I got this off a message board I frequent. It is Obviousely a satire on breastfeeding. I think it is wonderful...

Author unknown

I refuse to feel guilty for making an educated choice to not put mybaby in a car seat. There are so many militant car seat users in our society and I am tired of them pushing their beliefs on me. There are lots of reasons I have made this choice. First of all, I want my husband to be able to drive him around in his car. He can just sit him on his lap when they go for a ride. This will help him bond and be closer with our son. I don't want to be the only one that drives him around. It makes my husband, mother and friends feel special when they can take him for rides. I will be returning to work in 6 weeks and I don't want a big old car seat in the back of our luxury car.

I never put my first son in a car seat and he is just fine. I was never in a carseat, neither was my mother and we are both as healthy as can be. On the otherhand, my sister in law's cousin used a car seat and her child was seriously injured in a car wreck. My aunt tried to use a car seat and wasn't able to. She was never able to latch the baby in the seat properly. In fact, my car is too small for a car seat anyway. What matters most is that my baby is healthy and happy. When I left the hospital, they told me that I should try to use the carseat, but if it didn't work out that it was all right to not use it. Infact, in the diaper bag that I received from the hospital, it has some information for how to safely ride in the car with my son without a carseat. I tried for 1 week to use a car seat with my first son and it made both of us miserable. I told my pediatrician about it, and he said it would probably be best to not use a car seat anymore. Now he is happy and content sitting on my lap as we drive. Using a car seat is just so inconvenient!

My privacy is also an issue. Do I want everyone to know when they see my car that I have a child??? Besides, my children need to learn how to ride in the car without being in the car seat. I don't want a 3 year old still wanting to get in his seat! I know that using a car seat has some benefits, but there are a lot of people out there who don't use them and their kids are just fine! There are people out there that cannot use a car seat (can't latch baby in properly, car is too small, doesn't match with the interior).

Using a car seat is a personal choice and nobody's business. As aparent I have made the decision for what is best for my child. It works bestfor us and our child.....and that is all that is important. It's my choiceafter all, isn't it??

If you happen to know WHO the author of this is, I would like to give her credit. Leave a comment!

Thursday, August 9, 2007


You know, I really don't have much to say. Had a unit meeting at the hospital today. Oy. Let's just say that one of the big reasons I never wanted to work for a hospital, and the initial reason I quit nursing school.... was because I don't want to have to deal with all the CRAP hospital employees do. I feel really sorry for nurses.......... I find it very difficult to just sit there and keep my trap shut about this stuff (because it doesn't have anything to do with me or my job) because some of it is just sooo rediculous. I needed that meeting today, I was contemplating going back to college and finishing my RN............. now i've come to my senses.

N and C are both feeling better. N's a little snotty but otherwise he's in a better mood at least.

This weekend I have a meeting with a patient on Saturday morning, then Saturday afternoon I'm taking the kids over to my brothers' house to go snuggle the new baby. Monday is our annual family trip to the water park, next Saturday one of C's friends is getting married. And sometime I have to fit in spending hundreds of dollars on school supplies. YeeeeHAwww

Oh, and before I go. I was watching a show and they did a poll on breastfeeding in public. THIRTY PERCENT of people said they don't think people should nurse babies in public! Ladies!!!!! We have a LOT of work to do!

Wednesday, August 8, 2007

living without Alex 8-8-07

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 08, 2007 06:09 PM, CDT

This post was moved from Alex's original blog

Today I'm struggling. I'm fighting back the tears. I have sat here all day feeling like there was something I needed to do but I can't figure out what it is. Slowly it has crept up on me, the sadness.

I feel like I missed my opportunity to grieve. I shoved it all away for so long and now the people who were once there don't even know I still struggle as much as I do. I can't bring it up to Craig,. I can't make him sad.

So I deal with it alone. It isn't fair that I have to live every day in panic. Have you ever had a panic attack? Try having one for a year and a half straight and not telling anyone. I really don't know how physically I can keep going on like this, honestly. Stress isn't good for anybody and the constant unrelenting stress all day every day............ oy.

Yesterday we were at the grocery store. Nathan was in his new shopping cart cover (I've become a germ-a-phobe) andhe got tired so I laid him down it in on h is little matching pillow. Craig was pushing and I looked over from my shopping list and in my mind....... he was in a coffin.

I feel like there are these death monsters beating down the door all the time. Just waiting for a chance to come in and steal me, Craig, or one of the kids away forever. Nathan is sleeping.... is he breathing? Jacksen has a leg cramp.... is it cancer? Christian is tired today...... is he gravely ill? I have a headache...... is it a tumor? I have to go to the store, but I can't go because it's Saturday evening and there might be a drunk driver. I need a filling, the lidocaine makes my heart race..... will I have a heart attack? Craig has a cold....... is it lung cancer?

Can you imagine living life like that? That's an ALL DAY thing for me.

I'm tired. Physically tired, emotionally tired.

UPDATE a few hours later:

I think I just need to continue to use this journal sometimes just to rant and vent and cry. Then I can pick up and dust off .I have felt a lot better since I posted this entry. I am going to make an appt in the morning with a counselor. Maybe they can't help me, maybe they can't understand.... but maybe I need one place where I can just be REAL for an hour a week..

Oy, can summer be over?

I've just been SO busy lately. My sister being sick, plus I've got a sick husband, a sick baby, husbands new business. Getting kids ready for school......... it's just a freaking mess.

Not to mention it's been really bloody hot for weeks now. Today I'm waiting to hear how my friends little girl is doing, she is at the hospital for a heart catheterization procedure. I would have loved to go and support the family, but I just couldn't sit in THAT waiting room...... the waiting room I spent sooo many hours in... agony. I'm just not strongn enough for that yet. So I am praying from here that the test goes well and the results are as expected.

Anyway, more later.. crying sick baby