Friday, July 23, 2010

Tell me what I ever saw in that guy?

So if you've been reading for a while you might remember me mentioning that my son is not my husband's biological father.  Austin saw his father regularly until age 14 when one weekend he wanted to spend time with his friends instead of going to his dads, his dad threw a baby fit and has not initiated contact since.  I have made contact a few times trying to help things but the ex just wants me to fix it for him, and well I can't do that.  It's so bad that when Austin's great grandmother passed away last year we were not notified, I found out on the internet on a google search 6 months later.  There hasn't been so much as a phone call on his birthday since.

Anyway, so now almost 3 years later (next month) Austin texted his dad a couple weeks ago from my phone asking for his hunting gear that he had received as a Christmas gift the year before all of this broke loose, no response.  So today Austin texted him again, again asking for his hunting gear for this hunting season.  His father's response?

No, because I don't trust you and I don't trust your mother and you need God in your lives to give you peace.

No, I need some supernatural power to keep me from strangling him is more like it.  What an idiot.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010


That new rag curls post is coming I promise.  I'm attempting my first ever video post on it and well, so far my files and blogger aren't playing nice so I might have to upload to youtube or something and go from there?  I dunno but I'll take another crack at it tomorrow.  Today was spent editing pics from a shoot I did on sunday. I'm very fortunate  to get to photograph such beautiful people!  If you want to see some of my work head on over to 

Not having a good day today mentally.  How is it possible to still be having almost a constant anxiety attack on Prozac AND Klonopin today?  UGH, I was starting to like feeling normal.

Friday, July 16, 2010

Depression gone, anxiety front and center.

I have so much to catch up on in this blog, it's been a busy couple of months.  But I wanted to update on my mental health since that's been kind of at the forefront of things lately and as of the last time I wrote back in May.

I finally got to in and see my new Psychiatrist the beginning of June.  After telling him my history and my symptoms he diagnosed me with Generalized Anxiety disorder and chronic depression.  He prescribed 40 mg/day of Prozac ( a med that's helped me before) and I made an appointment for 6 weeks later.

The Prozac immediately took the depression away.  I know people say it's suppose to take time with that drug but for me it's always been very fast acting, maybe I'm extra sensitive to it.  For a couple of weeks I felt downright euphoric, the world was a great place and despite losing my job and being forced to drop out of school (i'll go into that more in the next post) I was able to function and carry on with my day and even feel great about it.  I made a new friend who has been a great resource to me in finding out who I want to be and I was able to feel my self esteem creeping up.

Then I started having panic attacks again.  And my OCD kicked up to a degree that had my scraping my floors with a spatula in an effort to get every tiny speck of anything off of them.  I didn't want to get out of bed and face the day, not because of depression but because of the anxiety that was starting to become at a level I had rarely seen before.  

So I was counting down the days until my next visit with the shrink and it finally came yesterday.  I told him everything that was going on and he nodded that it didn't surprise him.  He explained that Prozac helps depression at low doses and anxiety at high doses, but you can't jump into a high dose, we have to work up.  He also speculated that although the anxiety is my main problem the depression was serving as kind of a buffer for it, actually helping to keep it in check or at a lower level.  So in starting the Prozac we got rid of the depression which allowed the anxiety/OCD to completely take over uninhibited. 

So he prescribed me a benzodiazepine called Klonopin to keep the anxiety in check while we slowly climb the dose of Prozac to a level that it will do that itself.  

Now taking Benzo's is scary.  Klonopin is one of the strongest and longest lasting of them.  I am medicated with them around the clock, taking pills 12 hours apart.  I am taking a very low dose of 1mg per day with the option to go up to 2mg per day if I feel I need it.  The problem is, Benzo's are EXTREMELY addictive and withdrawal has been likened to the withdrawal experienced by heroin users.  It can kill you.  These things terrify me but so does living with this anxiety. I can't do it anymore.

So far it's nice.  When I first take it I feel kind of loopy and after an hour that fades away to this completely and totally relaxed state.  Not a worry in the world.  My restless leg syndrome is gone for the first time in my life and my mind and body feel at peace.  I'm quite certain this is why these drugs are abused the way they are.  I did notice that when it gets close to time to take my next pill I get agitated, even a bit angry.  But within minutes of taking that pill I start to feel much better.  

Is it a crutch? probably.  But it's nice, for the first time in my life not to be so high strung.  So anxious, so worried, so debilitated.  It's nice to just be.  It's nice to finally admit to myself wholeheartedly that I have a problem that can be fixed, and allow my doctor to fix it.  It's nice to not have to be in control and be ok with that.


Thursday, July 15, 2010

Always learning

Just as I finished this post blogger decided to eat it and then it autosaved immediately after.  Lovely.  Here I go again!

Forgive the pics, they are from my cell phone.

So with Nate's kidney issues there are a lot of unknowns.  We do know he has kidney disease, we do know he has a concentrating defect, we do know he wastes sodium.  We do know that for now he is able to maintain his electrolyte balances on a daily basis by eating a lot of salt, drinking a minimum of a gallon of fluid a day, and peeing constantly.  What we don't know is his prognosis, or how delicate the balance is with all of it, or how big a bump in the road must be to throw the whole thing off.

Turns out, not very big.

Nate got over a liter of fluid during his dental procedure yesterday and we took him home an hour after they were done.  Unfortunately he didn't do well through the day.  Wouldn't wake up for more than a few minutes, wouldn't drink, and hadn't gone to the bathroom since 9pm the night before.  A call to the Pediatrician was met with a stern "Bring him to the ER immediately".  

We spent 5 hours in the ER, a good portion of that digging in his arms to try to find a decent vein (his veins are horrid when he's NOT dehydrated) Dumping fluids in to rehydrate him and praying his kidneys hadn't taken a catastrophic hit.  Thankfully they didn't and he is now well hydrated and doing well.  

Lesson learned, any procedure that requires NPO will be inpatient for him from here on out.  

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

A mommy must worry.

So I mentioned that Nate would be put under to have some cavities fixed, well that day is tomorrow.  I know it's a simple thing, but I also learned with Alex that even simple things can turn very ugly.  I mean really, what are the chances of someone's spleen hemmoraghing during heart surgery?  Yeah.  So of course I'm worried about Nate going under anesthesia tomorrow.

Thankfully our Ped is absolutely wonderful and when I told her I was concerned about Nate being NPO for an extended period of time she said "well, we aren't doing that.  I'll call them and they will move him to first case of the day".  And so they did!  So we get to arrive at the surgical center at 6:30 am and will hopefully be home by noon.  They will give him IV maintenence fluids the whole time to make sure he doesn't dehydrate (a risk with his renal concentrating dysfunction).  

I was a tad bit irritated yesterday when going over his issues with the surgical nurse.  She says "Oh that poor little boy".  Ok, I know you mean well but don't feel sorry for Nathan.  Wait til you meet Nathan, he may have kidney problems, he may be legally blind in one eye but you would NEVER know there was anything different about this kid.  A deep breath and I let it go.  Thank you prozac.

So if you could, send a little thought to whoever it is you pray to that things go smoothly for our little man tomorrow.  I'll be updating on Twitter as we go through the morning so stay tuned!


So I locked my blog for a bit.  You see, in reading back I realize just how angry and how hurt and how damaged I've been over the past 4 years.  I was angry at people who didn't deserve my wrath, I was angry at situations I didn't know enough about to have the opinion I did, I was pretty much just angry at everything.  And in reading back I was a bit ashamed of this, so I locked up my blog, lest others see what I saw in myself.

But you know what?  That was me.  Was I wrong a lot of the time? yes.  But that's how my anger, my sadness, the hole in my heart manifested itself.  That's how my healing took place.  And maybe the fact that now that I'm getting the right kind of help and I can see this is a big step in the right direction.  

I've never been one to hide, so why should I start now.  This is me, this blog.  You don't have to like it, I don't either, but it's real and it's raw and it's a path I have had to carve out.  Take it or leave it.

There have been a lot of changes in the past weeks I can't wait to update you on so keep watch for more to come!