So, we attempted to get a family picture on Saturday. Easy enough right? I mean mom's a photographer, they should be use to perfectly sculpted poses and smiles, no? Yeah.... NO.
This is what happens when you get a 14 year old who knows it all, his dramatic "life is SO unfair" almost 13 year old sister and their gooofy little 1 year old brother (who can't keep his tongue in his mouth) together and try to get them and their siblings .. oh, and the dog, to sit still and smile for a picture. Now mind you my first instict was to delete the picture, scrap the whole idea and buy myself some whiskey, but after looking at it I realized that this picture really actually did capture our family quite accurately. We aren't perfect subjects, smiling and sitting up straight. We are silly, funny, moody, and we like it that way!
So I give you our fall 2008 family picture
Friday, August 29, 2008
Wow, no post pretty much all week. I know that's totally not like me but I've been pretty busy. On Wed I had my physical and drug test for my new job. I start on Sept 2nd and will be putting a lot of hours in during training which lasts from 2-6 weeks. I train during the day when Craig is home so that's really nice, my mom is going to come and spend some grandma time during the couple hours we overlap. It's a nice chance for her to spend some time with them an slow down a little bit, she's always running it seems.
Yesterday was my uncle Steve's memorial service. It was really nice. Tears were shed, healing was accomplished. At least I hope so, It was as it's always been with my family there's the Wisconsin group, the MN group and then my family (mom, me and my sibs). We just haven't really fit in anywhere since we moved when I was 12. I don't know all the what's and why's of all of that but I know that it sucks. I realized that yesterday when I was looking at the pictures of my uncle and realized that I didn't know him very well, and that's really sad. I wish our family could somehow repair itself but I just don't know if that can ever happen.
All in all it was a nice day spent with my brother and sister and mom and some of the relatives I don't know well enough. The service was beautiful and I don't think there was a dry eye in the place when they played the song "daddy you can let go". Even my moms boyfriend was reported to have wiped a tear or two, although likely wouldn't admit it if asked.
Now i'm spending the weekend getting caught up on some things around the house that haven't been done this week and making sure the kids are all ready for school on Tuesday!
He was finally able to pass on yesterday around dinner time. He died as his children went outside for a break. Sounds like he didn't want to die in front of his kids......
I think it's such a blessing that he was able to spend his final hours with his family and died with my mom and my Aunt Mary holding his hands and stroking his hair. If I could choose how I go, it would be like that....
Thanks for the wishes and prayers everyone. It's been a rough few days.
We went to see my uncle yesterday. my mom, sister, and I. It was apparent he was in his final days/hours. My mom had a hard time seeing him so we went and got my aunt to meet us there. Much to our surprise we met my cousin (his daughter) paying him a last visit before going home to Arizona.
After seeing how much he had deteriorated since the day before she and her fiance decided to stay another day.
It was really emotional. Everyone was telling him it was ok to go to heaven but he just continued to fight and became agitated.
Last night my mom and her siblings were called to his bedside at about 10pm. They stood vigil all night and today he is still clinging to life.
How do you convince someone it's ok to leave? How do you help them to know that everyone will be ok? That thier work is finished? He's struggling so. He's dehydrated and starved. He hasn't been able to swallow anything in a week, I just don't know how he's still alive. To see his daughter telling him to go through her tears was absolutely heartbreaking. I can't even imagine her pain. He never wanted to live like this and now we can't get him to let go...
Please say a prayer that he's able to resolve whatever is keeping him here and move on and be at peace.
My uncle is coming into his final chapter in his battle with Parkinson's disease. A disease that over the course of decades robbed him of his ability to control his own body while his mind stayed painfully intact. It has now taken his ability to swallow and he will slowly starve to death as he asked that no measures be taken to prolong his life should the time come he was unable to sustain himself. He has lost 40 lbs in a very short amount of time and is in a nursing home receiving comfort care in his final days. My mom, sister, and I will be going to say goodbye on Sunday.
I remember the last time my mom lost a sibling, how difficult it was for her. She and her 7 siblings lost their parents at a very young age. My mother was only 9 when she lost her father, and 19 when she lost her mother. Her youngest brother was only 2 and 12 when his parents passed away. The older siblings took care of the younger, being forced to become parents to the younger kids simply because no other option existed. My mother, being one of the younger siblings thinks of the older ones in sort of a parental way, so to her, losing them is like losing a parent all over again I would imagine.
My career plans have yet again veered back in which they came. The hospital called yesterday and offered me the job I interviewed for (the one I really really wanted!) just a different shift. I'll be doing a float shift until something more regular opens up. That's perfectly fine with me! Now that my mom is on days she offered to help out with the kids if there's evenings I must work that Craig also works. It's part time, which I wanted.
Thankfully I was able to get my $350 course fee back from the school for my CNA class.
I am so unbeleivably happy about this. The more I thought about the CNA class and the PCT job the more I realized how it was just not right. It was totally "settling" for the easy option. I didn't want to continue in nursing for a reason and being a PCT would have been the same things I hated about it, but even worse.
I'm most definitely NOT breaking ties with OB. I will still teach my classes and take Doula clients. I love OB but I'm glad I don't have to settle for a job that wasn't going to make me happy and would open very little doors for me in the future like this job will.
Craig and I were talking about it and I was saying how baffling it was that first I didn't get the job and then when I re-directed my plans it came to me. He figures maybe God was giving me the opportunity to really think about what I wanted and figure it out, maybe so.
In other news Craig's brother got married this past weekend. We weren't able to go due to like all of Craig's cooks either being away on training for this or that, fired, quit, no-shows, or arrested. Nice huh? When it rains it pours and poor Craig worked a lot of overtime this last couple weeks.
Anyway, apparently my nephew ended up in the hospital with appendicitis merely hours before his father and new step mom were to say the I do's! What timing! They ended up getting married after all that night after little C's mom arrived from her vacation in Michigan to be with him at the hospital. Poor guy! I guess, that's life with kids! I guess little C is home now and everything went well. Whew!
Because certainly this will constitute animal cruelty in it's most sincere form. Torture by 1 year old. Weapon of choice: Little Red Duplo wagon.
I simply adore watching little one's learn. My mom bought Nathan a little red wagon at a yard sale. He loved it, climbing right in and demanding anyone within pulling distance get off their lazy duff and chauffer his royal buns around.
After a while the novelty wore off and alas, it was time to find a new rider.....er.... victim.
Aha! Someone left a Dachshund in the dining room. I think she'd like a ride
(notice the look the dog is giving me... as if to say "Lady, I swear... I will cut you in your sleep" )
You KNOW Nathan didn't put the dog in the wagon by himself. Hence the glare she's giving his acomplice behind him
K, lets go for a ride doggie! Don't worry, it'll be fun!
It took the dog about 6 seconds to jump out and hide under the bed in the girls' room. Poor Nate.
For those of you who don't know about the Gina/Pepe drama I'm not even sure I want to get you sucked into it but I just feel like I need to vent about this as it hits close to home.
Basically one or more parties were involved in defrauding people out of money and compassion by claiming a young woman named Gina suffered from Cystic Fibrosis, a deadly congenital and chronic lung disease. A fellow named Paul Mooney, who may or may not be a post transplant CF sufferer created a blog called Friends of Pepe (which no longer exists) initially in an effort to gain donations via his paypal site to purchase a Nintendo Wii for Gina, a friend via the internet living in the ICU awaiting her own lung transplant. Gina did, in fact receive her lung transplant after clining to the edge of life on ECMO (you may remember this term from Alex's story, ECMO is a machine that does the job of the heart and lungs, much like a bypass machine, in order to either buy a patient time for a transplant, (in the case of Gina) or to allow damaged organs to heal (in the case of Alex) and work on their own.
Gina then had a cascade of complications following her transplant ranging from pleural effusions to MRSA infections of the lung. She wasn intubated and exttubated multiple times and at the end of the facade, had been relisted for transplant.
The problem was, Gina never had CF at all. In fact while Gina was suppose to be in the ICU, she was, in fact, posting horseriding videos on youtube of herself and her horses and various trainers.
Now, what I think gets me the most about this whole thing is that now people doubt the honestly of anyone who has had a horrible illness. My own Alex's story was frought with so many complications, so many strange turns of events. ECMO, Heparin overdose, Splenic rupture, hundreds of stitches ripping out of his mended heart... the list goes on and on. I watched him suffer in that hospital bed every day while one strange setback after another plagued him.
And now, because of people like Paul Mooney and Gina, people will doubt the stories we tell about life in the ICU. The outpouring of love is the only thing that held me together in the days of life in the hospital and after, and to think that people won't want to extend their love to another because of people like these makes me downright sick.
I've been duped on the internet before, befriended people that turned out not to be who they said they were, but this has to be one of the most disgusting acts of deception I can fathom.
My apologies to Nathan at Confessions of a CF husband for my hurt and anger was displaced. Please continue to support him and his family, who must feel this deception on a deep level.
There is a group of people who are trying to sort this out and make sure the proper authorities become involved. If you are interested please visit http://exposetrolls.blogspot.com/
ETA: To the lady who asked why the comments critisizing me were not posted on this blog, I moderate my comments and as such they do not get posted immediately, if you care to check....they are all there now:) I moderate my comments to eliminate spam and trolls on my blog.
Remember earlier this year when my darling, yet clumsy daughter did this to her face..?
Well, I give you the "other" guy....
Ok not really. This little guy was able to hurt himself with no involvement of his sister. I'd love to be able to tell you that he got this shiner honestly, by doing something noble and brave. Maybe rescuing his sister from the bar brawl or saving the dog from Nathan or something. But nooo my friends, instead I must tell the truth.
His friend and the friends dad and him decided that hitting BASKETBALLS with a baseball bat sounded like a good idea. Call me overprotective but I saw this catastrophe coming a mile away. BASKETBALLS? Oy.....
But live and let learn I say, never wanting to miss the photo ops that come from my children maiming themselves. Hit basketballs with a bat if you must, just be prepared to smile for Mr Nikon later.
I have decided to definitely get my CNA license and do the PCT job up in OB. However I will not be pursuing an actual nursing position in this unit or anywhere else.
Craig and I talked today and he was very helpful, as usual. I was literally just sobbing over everything because the difference between what we needed and what I wanted were conflicting, and he asked a very meaningful question... "Kat, if you didn't have this thing in OB would you want to be a nurse" And the answer is a resounding no. The answer has always been a resounding no. There was a reason I quit before. I quit because nursing was not my calling. Nursing was not what made me happy. Nursing was not something I could enjoy. Don't ask me what's so different for me in doing what I do, being a PCT, and nursing because for all intents and purposes, there isn't much difference. But for me there is. I know, it doesn't make sense to anyone but me. Most people can't understand why I quit something that seemed to be perfect for me. Those reasons will probably only ever be apparent to me and those who know me best. And dont' get me wrong, I appreciate what nurses do.
The PCT thing itself is bordering on iffy. But you know, it pays fairly well and right now that's what we need. I love being on the unit, I love all the staff (ok maybe not one of the docs, but the docs aren't around much) so I think I will definitely be happy with this position. And if not, I don't know where my life will lead me. My career and goals have changed and evolved so much over the years I just don't have any clue where I'll end up, and that's actually a good thing I think.
So I've pretty much just been a mess of emotional drainage on my entire family the past week or so. The stress of possibly going back into the workforce has really taken me to the brink of sanity.
I admit it, I'm a selfish person. Selfish in that I don't want to miss a minute of my kids' lives. I remember being a single mom to the oldest two and busting my ass working 60 hours a week just to pay my subsidized rent and keep the lights on. I remember picking my kids up from daycare one August day and the daycare lady excitedly telling me all about my daughter's first steps. I remember my daughter calling her mama. Can't blame her, she did spend a good part of her first year with the woman.
So I'm selfish. I don't want other people to experience those moments with my children. I don't want someone else to teach them to ride a bike (although after putting Jack's training wheels back ON last night, I might reconsider). I don't want someone else doing the things I should be doing. And I don't care what people say to justify it, those ARE things I should be doing. Every diaper change, every load of laundry, every meal.... those are a mothers' duties.
However there's another side. There's the side of me that has always put that need to be with my kids in front of other things that make me happy as well. I feel tremendous guilt when I do something that makes me happy.
I've had a great job with the Doula thing. But it's come time where I need more, both for personal fulfillment and for financial reasons. With Craig not getting in as much overtime this summer, and my ex deciding it no longer fits in with his lifestyle to pay child support, it seems the proverbial belt has gotten tighter and tighter.
I have finally worked myself into the OB world. After a lot of time and energy and patience I am finally a trusted member of the team in labor and delivery. As such the doors I never thought would open are opening and I guess I'm feeling a little fearful. I'm doubting myself and second guessing every decision. This is big for us, it brings a lot of change and I really just have to figure out who I am and be confident and realize that I can't do it all. I have to stop feeling guilty because my children aren't the ONLY thing in life that make me happy. It's ok to have other things that make me happy..... right?
If one dream should fall and break into a thousand pieces, never be afraid to pick one of those pieces up and begin again."– Flavia Weedn
That quote just seems to fit today in everything that is going on. It has started with trying to teach Shaylin and Jacksen to ride bike, something I've never been very good at (neither the teaching or the riding I might add). They keep falling down and getting hurt and well, that pains me. It's all very ironic since in the midst of telling them to get up and brush themselves off and start again I'm waging my own little internal pity party.
I applied and interviewed for a job last week. A great job that I would have loved and paid very well and would have been the perfect hours for me with the kids' schedules. I found out today I didn't get it.
After sitting in my room and having a good cry about the whole thing I prayed for a time and thought about the things in my life and my struggles. I reflected on the trials of the past 3 years and wondered what was so off kilter in my universe that everything I do seems to flop lately. Then I prayed and asked God to just show me the lesson in this and bring on the window that opened when this door closed.
I emailed the lady I work with at the hospital letting her know I didn't get it and thanking her for the reference and as it turns out they are hiring a new PCT on the OB unit and she and the maternity director both thought of me when discussing it! So next month I will be taking the CNA course through the tech and getting my license and will have a job doing what I love anyway.
As good as this sounds I still continued to feel a bit bitter about missing out on the job that I need now. A month or two from now is great but how were we going to financially figure things out until then? With gas prices and food prices going up the budget is tightening so much. We are doing ok but some days it would just be nice to have the extra after payday that we used to. Now add to it paying $400 for tuition for the CNA course.
Then I read a post from a lady on a message board who went to her ultrasound today and found out that her daughter has no brain and will, if she lives at all, be in a vegetative state for life, simply living because her brainstem tells her lungs to breathe and her heart to beat. She was given the option to carry to term or terminate the pregnancy.......
Sometimes I think we forget that our everyday problems aren't so bad. Our struggles and our dissapointments are just that. Sometimes we have to take inventory of what is important to us and realize that, at the end of the day, the things most important to us are right in front of us. And sometimes we are given the opportunity to realize how fortunate we are that our struggles are usually pretty benign in comparison to what someone else is dealing with.
Not getting that job wasn't the end of the world. It was a prayer that was answered differently than I expected. This new job will be perfect for me and I can't wait to embark on this new adventure.
Reminds me of a song (everything reminds me of a song hehe)
Sometimes I thank god
for unanswered prayers
Remember when you're talking
to the man upstairs
that just because he may not answer
doesn't mean he don't care
Some of God's greatest gifts
Are unanswered prayers
So, a few months ago you may remember me telling you about my Kodak 5100 all in one printer, the same printer featured on last season's "The Apprentice". The printer that uses 50% less ink than it's competitors. And it does live up to it's claims. I've gotten a lot more prints per ink cartridge than any other printer I've owned (and ink is only $22 for BOTH color and black) beautiful lab quality prints at that!
The problem is, more often than not my printer has not been in working order. You see, apparently my printer's print heads had a life expectancy of one month and between 4 and 100 prints. Yes, you read that right...... FOUR. I say this because after having the printer for 6 months I had replaced the print head already 5 times. Kodak's customer service through the whole thing was fairly well, better when I got lucky enough to speak with someone who spoke fluent english, I admit. They faithfully sent me new printheads every month along with 2 bonus ink cartridges with the printhead and 2 more when I sent the old one back.
Finally, this last time was the last straw for both Kodak and I and they sent me a whole new printer. Let's hope my troubles are over!
The baby borrowers. Did anyone watch this show? I did. Aside from the fact that I have no idea what kind of parents would allow their infants to be with strangers, and then to watch them being mistreated and neglected on CCTV and STILL leave them there, it was, at it's core an interesting social experiment.
At first I thought it would be a total waste of airtime. Anyone who ever was a teen parent knows that these types of things don't work. You always think that it will be different when it's YOUR baby (much as Alecia on the show displayed by saying that she could deal with the kid if not for the mother). You always think it will be different. That's how teenagers are. You cannot know something until you've experienced it, and borrowing a baby for a couple of days isn't going to do it, sadly.
Something I think might have sent a pretty strong message though was something that was not planned by the producers of the show. All of the couples subsequently split up. Their relationships couldn't take the strain that was put on them by living together, working, and caring for children. Teenage moms always think thier child's father will stay devoted to them and that is almost never true. If nothing else, this show proved that. I do think that the benefit of this unexpected lesson may have been undone by showing the outbursts of the teenagers during the experiment. All of the teenagers, at some point, acted their age (or younger) by having tantrums and being stubborn and selfish. I fear that teenagers watching the show might have said "yeah, well I'm a LOT more mature than they are" and the whole thing became a moot point.
Again, they just can't know what it's like and this show wasn't very good at conveying the trials of teen parents, or any parents for that matter. Most teen parents don't live in nice townhomes on suburban cul-de-sac's with dishwashers and stainless steel appliances. They also aren't given a manual with their child dictating the childs needs and expectations. They don't have jobs supplied for them and they don't drive brand new mini vans. They don't have the luxury of affording one parent to stay at home.
They live in run down apartments unsure if the fridge will work next week, or if they are safe walking around the block, they drive beat up cars that don't always run reliably. They have to deal with daycare so both can work just to pay the rent and put food on the table. They struggle to get jobs because they dropped out of school and got no diploma, or maybe they stayed in school and have to try to find time to work at all in between childcare and studies. Just as the case with Dayton and Morgan, sometimes daddies go away and a one parent household is the reality and then everything is that much more difficult. And they don't have nannies to jump in when they make a mistake...... mistakes really do mean life or death.
So I am torn on my opinion of this show. Maybe it helped somebody make a different choice in life for them and for the child that may have been conceived next week. Maybe it gave teens a false sense of security because the teens on the show didn't have to deal with the real reality of parenthood. Who knows.
Adding a little more to this entry that I just couldn't earlier. I just have days where I'm completely heartbroken all over again, where I'm angry at God, I'm angry that I had to leave my child laying there and walk away. I still can't fathom how I even was physically able to do that. I can't fathom how I was able to go through his funeral and not just fall to the floor and die myself. That day I really was fighting the tears that weren't coming. I'm not sure how many people have cried themself tearless, but I have.And some days, like today I get that pressure in my chest again, the feeling like I can't breathe again. The memories that I've filed in the Alex folder in my heart come flooding back all at once, overwhelmingly terrifying and I feel as though my own life is being sucked out of me.
The song below reminds me both of Alex's life and of life after him. When he was alive I didn't want the world to see him because he was battered and broken and abused. I was afraid of people seeing him and not seeing what I saw, the most beautiful baby on the planet. I felt the need to hide him, hide him from the eyes that couldn't see what was really there. I didnt' want the world to see him, cause I didn't think that they'd understand. But when everything was made to be broken, I still wanted them to know who he was....
After he died it turned to me. I didn't want the world to see ME, because I knew the world wouldn't understand this either. They couldn't understand. And again the words of the song rang true. There are still times where I don't want the world to see me, cause I don't think that they'd understand......
Most days it's ok. Most days life just goes on and a few glances at his pictures on the wall are all it takes to connect with him. But then there are days like today when the complete unfairness of it all is overwhelming, days when my heart clearly sees what happened and I await, once again, for the fog that has been my safe haven since he was born, to surround me and create my safe bubble again. It's still really just like that, even 2 1/8 years later it's impossible to process except in tiny bits, a few moments of clarity.
And I'd give up forever to touch you Cuz I know that you feel me somehow You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be And I don't want to go home right now
And all I can taste is this moment And all I can breathe is your life Cuz sooner or later it's over I just don't want to miss you tonight
And I don't want the world to see me Cuz I don't think that they'd understand When everything's made to be broken I just want you to know who I am
And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming Or the moment of truth in your lies When everything feels like the movies Yeah, you'd bleed just to know you're alive
And I don't want the world to see me Cuz I don't think that they'd understand When everything's made to be broken I just want you to know who I am
And I don't want the world to see me Cuz I don't think that they'd understand When everything's made to be broken I just want you to know who I am
And I don't want the world to see me Cuz I don't think that they'd understand When everything's made to be broken I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am I just want you to know who I am I just want you to know who I am
And at this point many people in the loyal state of Wisconsin say good riddance to bad rubbish!
Old #4, who could have been a Cheeseville icon for eternity has shown his true colors in the past weeks and now Brett Favre will be playin for the New York Jets. SEE YA!! Apparently he wants to be just like Reggie White.... or as most people around here say "Reggie who?"
Out with the old, in with the new! We welcome Aaron Rodgers who has shown FAR more maturity through this whole Favre circus (thank's for the term T) than #4 himself.
Just wanted to ask my readers for a few prayers. Everything is ok, it's nothing bad (and has nothing to do with pregnancy, cause I know you are thinking it) and I can't share details at the moment but please say a prayer or send some positive thoughts our way for the big issue in our lives at the moment. If it comes through I'll fill you in by the end of the week.
The end of next month my family and I will be taking a MUCH NEEDED vacation HERE at Faith's lodge, a place for families who have a seriousely ill or deceased child. We can't WAIT!!!
I just cannot beleive summer vacation is almost over! Crazy business it is, I tell ya. I'm not ready for my babies to leave the nest.
Speaking of. We will not be homeschooling this year. A lot of soul searching has taken place on this issue, a lot of talking to people who are experienced with homeschooling, virtual schooling, etc and I think we all just have a better outlook on the whole thing now. Of course as the year goes on we will be constantly having to re-evaluate.
Austin is starting high school this year and has a really good frame of mind going on. He sees this as a chance to start over, a fresh start. I will do my best to keep him motivated. Hailey will still be in the middle school, which is tough. That principal....... ugh I just won't even get myself worked up again. Let's just hope she can just stay out of his way. I'm not in the slightest worried about Christian or Shaylin, school is their thing. And Jack, well....... he needs school, he just doesn't know it yet .....
Austin had a short visit with his dad this last time. He really just would rather not be there and I can't blame him. It's constantly something it seems. So when the prospect of going camping came up Austin decided that he would rather come home than be stuck in an RV with them for days on end.... shudder. He got his hair trimmed, apparently he put his foot down and told his dad he was not cutting it off, end of story. Good for him! I admit I wouldn't be heartbroken to see my clean cut baby boy under all that hair again but it's his head, he may do with it what he wishes. His dad can't really talk after all, the day of our engagement pictures he cut all the hair off one side of his head and left the other side long....... I'm not even joking. Wish I still had those pictures to show you.
He's wanting to talk to his dad about cutting visits down to one weekend a month this school year. I told him that's his call but HE has to talk to his dad about it, not me. So we'll see if he does. He's getting better at standing up for himself, so hopefully he can communicate with his dad and figure out some sort of agreement.
What else. Spent an hour at the DMV yesterday transfering title and registering the new truck and renewing Craig's lisence. To the tune of over $200! And we only bought the truck for $150 so tax was only $7.00. I screwed up the form the first time, apparently 3/4 ton only means axle weight (and I do recall having known that at some point in time) so the lady, when she saw me check the box for "under 4500 lbs" says "oh, you got a little S10?" I was like ummm, no... I got a Chev 2500. "OH! Your truck weighs more than 4500 empty!" and tacks on another $30. Grand. I can't figure out though why the truck is odometer exempt? Anyone want to explain that one to me?
Craig has applied for a new job. A really really awesome job. I'm not holding my breath in the slightest because he's not entirely qualified for the job, but you never know he might get lucky. I also applied for a job... I know, I know. It's 3rd shift so no daycare and a job I'd absolutely love. Again, not holding my breath but if I got it, awesome. And no, I wouldn't be quitting my current job, I would just probably shove more clients off on my partner and primarily do prenatal classes, which have become a very rewarding thing for me. It's funny because I always wanted to be hands on with the patients and now I really love the education aspect of it the most. Funny how things change. Don't get me wrong, every time I'm given the honor to witness new life come into the world I take a look up to the sky and thank God I was given the opportunity to do the work I do, It's just very rewarding teaching these parents about things so important as breastfeeding and minimizing the drugs their children are exposed to.
As you know, I consider myself a little crunchy. Not entirely crunchy, just a little. I'm usually the first one of the people I know and speak with regularly to know about some new environmental issue or to stray from the mainstream when I feel the information is accurate.
HOWEVER. I will never be totally crunchy. Because I have a really hard time beleiving that I will live to be 100 if I simply stop eating bacon, lunchmeat or hotdogs. I have a hard time beleiving that by trading my gas guzzling suburban in for a moped I will prevent polar ice caps from melting and save the world. I don't always use sunscreen on my children when they are outside, because the sun gives us a wonderful thing called vitamin D, which we need to survive.
Now don't get me wrong. I care about this planet I live on. I care that we, as a society waste and waste and waste. That we pollute the air our children breathe with chemicals spewing from smokestacks on top of factories that make products we can most certainly live without. I care that we throw plastic in our landfills without a second thought. I do care. I use re-usable shopping bags most of the time, I use cloth diapers and energy efficient appliances. I don't buy paper towels or styrofoam plates. I buy eco friendly detergents (cept my tide, which you will pry from my cold dead hands). I do my best to limit the exposure my children receive from environmental toxins like fluoride, mercury, etc. It pains me greatly the few times I feel I must put bug repellant on my children, in fact I swore I got hives once from the thought of it. Growth hormone in my milk keeps me up nights and you know I really just wish i could find unbleached toilet paper at the grocery store. I'm not some horrible bitch that steps on baby frogs or blows cigarette smoke in toddlers' faces.
But here's how I see it. When mother Earth gets sick of what we do, she will knock our asses off into oblivion just as she did the damn dinosaurs. Stop bitching about global warming and trying to fix it, you can't fix it. How completely self centered of us to think we control such things. Evolve, adapt or get the eff off I say....,
I'm not going to stop eating meat because someone's old aunt Myrtle got colon cancer which MUST be from nitrates use to package hot dogs. I'm not going to start eating raw meat because some yahoo decided that cooking it releases toxins that will cause my children's grandchildren to grow a horn from their forehead. I am going to pay attention and learn what I can and when I feel that a risk is a true risk, I will act on it, but to just jump on every trendy new bandwagon because Tom Cruise's aliens sent some loser in a cave a message is stupid. Something people fail to realize is that most "scientific" studies are completely rediculous and biased to the side of whatever major company happens to be funding said study.
Use your brains people. But by all means if you want to live in a cave and eat rocks and sticks and wipe your ass with tree bark, have at it. But leave me and my Tide alone. Now pass me a hot dog off the grill.
I always knew the time would come when I would no longer be the parent of innocent toddlers, but the parent of dramatic, independance seeking teenagers instead. This prospect has always frightened me, since I myself was a very rebellious teenager and many times made some horrible decisions that could have cost me my life.
So now having teenagers of my own is terrifying. It's a constant gut check. Nothing is simple anymore and I have to rely on my instincts as much as I did when they were helpless infants. Every "mom, can I..." could end innocently or in catastrophe.
I really just have to hope that through the years I have instilled SOME values in thier heads. That I have both told and modeled self respect and common sense. That I have managed to keep the doors of communication wide open despite having to lay down the law when are unable to get a grip.
I didn't always realize how important those preteen years were. Those years were our chance to prepare them for this. Because now we have no choice but to slowly let them into the world and trust that they will think with their minds and make good decisions, at least more often than not.
So, you parents of little ones. Use this time, the time when you can be by thier side 24/7 to instill values into them. Don't be afraid to talk about certain subjects because before you know it, they will be learning it from someone else, the hard way. Love them, support them, and teach them. Live your own life the way you would have them live thiers.
A song to live by.
Watching you- Rodney Atkins
Drivin’ through town just my boy and me With a Happy Meal in his booster seat Knowin’ that he couldn’t have the toy ‘til his nuggets were gone. A green traffic light turned straight to red I hit my brakes and mumbled under my breath. His fries went a flyin’, and his orange drink covered his lap Well, then my four year old said a four letter word It started with “S” and I was concerned So I said, “Son, now where’d you learn to talk like that?”
Chorus: He said, "I’ve been watching you, dad ain’t that cool? I’m your buckaroo, I wanna be like you. And eat all my food and grow as tall as you are. We got cowboy boots and camo pants Yeah, we’re just alike, hey, ain’t we dad? I want to do everything you do. So I’ve been watching you."
We got back home and I went to the barn I bowed my head and I prayed real hard Said, “Lord, please help me help my stupid self.” Just this side of bedtime later that night Turnin’ on my son’s Scooby-Doo nightlight. He crawled out of bed and he got down on his knees. He closed his little eyes, folded his little hands Spoke to God like he was talkin’ to a friend. And I said, “Son, now where’d you learn to pray like that?”
Chorus: He said, "I’ve been watching you, dad ain’t that cool? I’m your buckaroo; I want to be like you. And eat all my food and grow as tall as you are. We like fixin’ things and holding moma’s hand Yeah, we’re just alike, hey, ain’t we dad? I want to do everything you do; so I’ve been watching you"
With tears in my eyes I wrapped him in a hug. Said, “My little man is growin’ up.” And he said, “But when I’m big I’ll still know what to do.”
"‘Cause I’ve been watching you, dad ain’t that cool? I’m your buckaroo; I want to be like you. And eat all my food and grow as tall as you are. By then I’ll be strong as superman We’ll be just alike, hey, won’t we dad When I can do everything you do. ‘cause I’ve been watchin’ you." hey yeah uh huh
One day, while walking on the beach my 4 year old approached me and handed me a rock. "mommy, can you put this rock in your purse"? He asked. "No son," I said "rocks don't go in purses". "But mom!" He protested. "It's a miracle! And miracles can go in purses!". And he's right. Miracles can be found anywhere they please. My life is crazy and chaotic, and I've dealt with more heartache than most could bear, but I continue to find miracles in the strangest of places. Like the rock I carry in my purse.
This blog is my life, in print. The good, the bad, the ugly and the beauty of raising 6 kids and holding on to what's left of my sanity in the process.
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