Friday, August 8, 2008

Thinking of my Alex today

Adding a little more to this entry that I just couldn't earlier. I just have days where I'm completely heartbroken all over again, where I'm angry at God, I'm angry that I had to leave my child laying there and walk away. I still can't fathom how I even was physically able to do that. I can't fathom how I was able to go through his funeral and not just fall to the floor and die myself. That day I really was fighting the tears that weren't coming. I'm not sure how many people have cried themself tearless, but I have.And some days, like today I get that pressure in my chest again, the feeling like I can't breathe again. The memories that I've filed in the Alex folder in my heart come flooding back all at once, overwhelmingly terrifying and I feel as though my own life is being sucked out of me.

The song below reminds me both of Alex's life and of life after him. When he was alive I didn't want the world to see him because he was battered and broken and abused. I was afraid of people seeing him and not seeing what I saw, the most beautiful baby on the planet. I felt the need to hide him, hide him from the eyes that couldn't see what was really there. I didnt' want the world to see him, cause I didn't think that they'd understand. But when everything was made to be broken, I still wanted them to know who he was....

After he died it turned to me. I didn't want the world to see ME, because I knew the world wouldn't understand this either. They couldn't understand. And again the words of the song rang true. There are still times where I don't want the world to see me, cause I don't think that they'd understand......

Most days it's ok. Most days life just goes on and a few glances at his pictures on the wall are all it takes to connect with him. But then there are days like today when the complete unfairness of it all is overwhelming, days when my heart clearly sees what happened and I await, once again, for the fog that has been my safe haven since he was born, to surround me and create my safe bubble again. It's still really just like that, even 2 1/8 years later it's impossible to process except in tiny bits, a few moments of clarity.









And I'd give up forever to touch you
Cuz I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now

And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
Cuz sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight

And I don't want the world to see me
Cuz I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah, you'd bleed just to know you're alive

And I don't want the world to see me
Cuz I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And I don't want the world to see me
Cuz I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And I don't want the world to see me
Cuz I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am

2 comments:

jay_say said...

Beautiful song!

PBandJ said...

I could never dream of understanding what you went through and continue to go through, but this song says so much! It is one of my favorites; thanks for sharing!!!