Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Writers block

I've just been so uninspired lately. It's sad really. I'm generally so passionate about things, about life and I'm just not these days. Maybe it's a combination of being busy, being slightly depressed, being sick to death of cold and snow........ I don't know. Maybe I've just lost the will to fight.

No, that's not it. I will never lose the will to stand up for what I beleive is right, sometimes though, I wonder if I'm just wasting my breath. I know I can't fix the world and I know that not everyone on this planet is going to think like me or see my point of view. But the way people live and act or lack thereof just isn't good enough.

I don't see myself as superior. Far from it as a matter of fact. I, at 31 years old, still have an enormous amount of learning to do about life. I am learning more every day and every little bit of information I receive is logged in a file in my brain to be sorted later. Maybe that's my problem lately, not enough sorting has been going on.

Monday was Alex's 2nd birthday. I failed at it. I had planned this whole thing, bringing helium balloons out to the cemetary and tying notes to the strings from the kids and Craig and I and letting them fly to heaven, much like we did at his funeral. When the day came to actually do it, however, I froze. The thought of going to the cemetary became overwhelming to me and I just couldn't make myself do it. What the hell my problem is I don't know. I haven't been there in like a year and a half........ A YEAR AND A HALF! Seriousely, what the hell is the matter with me?

If you have a smartass comment about it please keep it to yourself. If you have something constructive to say I welcome it.


cindys_weight_loss_blog said...

Kat nothing is wrong with you.

greiving for your child must be the most incrediably difficult thing in the whole world, i cant imagine anything worse.

i wont insult you by saying i understand, cause i dont. but i wish there was some way i could help you or shoulder some of the load, even for some of the time.

one thing i want you to know is i tell people about alex all the time, and when ever i hear the dance, i cry, because i instantly picture him.

i dont know if it helps but he touched me and people i ve told about him so much.

There is no right or wrong amount of times to visit, no right day.. your not a bad person or mom just because you havent been there.

i just wish i could help.

queenmommy911 said...

Just a reminder: He's not at the cemetery.

That angel lives in the hearts of everyone who ever got to know him in any way. He has the deepest roots in *your* heart forever. Don't you dare beat yourself up for not honoring his birthday - you do that every day.

A quotation I remember for when I feel like your post sounds - "The only time I wish that you weren't gone is once a day every day all day long."

I know it's inadequate at best, but I hope it (((hugs))) your aching heart today.