Sunday, August 28, 2011

Into the dark

I'm in that place today.  It's a dark place with jumbled thoughts and feelings and every ounce of my being feels like it's in battle with each other.  It's not a place I like to be, and I didn't buy a ticket to be here but it's a place that I belong with the things that have gone on and the things I can't comprehend.

It swirls around me, the darkness, on days like today. These days don't come often thank goodness but when they do it is always the same.  There's no sense to be made because the rules have been broken and the pieces strewn around like a jigsaw puzzle.  And even if I tried to put it together it's impossible, it's a mixture of so many puzzles that none of the pieces even fit anymore.

I have learned to just let these days come, consume me, and then leave again.  They heal, each in their own twisted way but the scars they create multiply.  I find myself becoming cold, callous with each that passes and for a long time I fought it, but I don't have the desire to fight anymore even if I have the strength.

I flow into the darkness, this maze of fear and pain and agony knowing that I will come out the other side as I always do.  I've come to welcome these days, as torturous as they are.  They remind me of who I was, who I am and who I will be.  They keep me grounded and humble as they steal a piece of my soul, change it, and return it as something new I have to figure out how to incorporate into my entirety.

My scars are hard won, each represents a victory not a defeat.  And as long as I can continue to say that I wear them proudly.

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