Everybody dies famous in a small town

I remember back......... wayyyy back circa 1994 getting my last high school yearbook. They had a section where they asked seniors what they planned to do after high school and I distinctly remember one cheeky chap saying

"Read the police log to see what my friends are up to".

Now, for those of you who actually have NEWS that goes on in your town filling your newspaper, a police log is the most popular part of a small town newspaper. It's where they put a sampling of 911 calls from the week. Usually your town is small enough that you can even tell who in town the call came from. Some are just plain hysterical so I thought I'd share some of them with you. These are actual calls, my comments are in red.


6:46 a.m.-P------ L---- --th Street caller advised the dog has returned from last night and is on the deck of her house growling at her. Town chairman advised he did cage up the animal yesterday, but it got out by jumping an 8-foot fence. 7:17 a.m., officer advised the dog is caught and will be kept in the back of a truck...... Where else would you keep a stray dog? I don't know... the pound???

10:32 a.m.-City of C----- B----- Lake caller advised there are some people shooting guns on the south side of the lake. Officer advised; everything is fine. Of course it's fine...... they were only 22's!

10:30 a.m.-Officer reported he found another poached buck just north of -----Street in P----- Lake township. The antlers, hind quarters and loins were taken. 10:44 a.m., officer made contact with a male subject who told the officer the deer had been hit by a vehicle. He was advised it is still illegal to butcher the deer without getting it tagged first. Subject was told to contact DNR officer.... ewwwwwwwwwwww


8:12 a.m.-C----- officer ran a license plate on a vehicle parked at a café that has a traffic cone stuck underneath. Officer advised to call the cafe and tell the vehicle owner that the cone is there and to drop it off at the police department. Red alert! traffic cone theft!

3:52 a.m.-C----- --th Avenue caller advised they had a subject come to their door asking for help as he put his vehicle in the ditch. Units advised. 4:06 a.m., background checks show current ------ County, -------- and ---- counties have warrants on subject. 4:11 a.m., subject is in custody and en route to jail. Officer advised subject also had some THC and will be charged with possession. Mental note. Get rid of stash before calling the cops when your stoned ass puts your car in the ditch.

1:55 p.m.-C----- caller requested an officer because a subject employed by a repo company is wanting to take her vehicle without paperwork. She wants him removed. Officer advised the repo company is going to be taking three of the vehicles that are on this property. Don't complain about 1, or the'll take 3!

11:55 a.m.-Village of D----- caller advised he is a dealer at the gun show in D----- and had to leave his table for a minute. When he returned, he found a Colt 1991 A-1 .45 ACP pistol had been stolen. Officer advised the gun has a 5-inch stainless steel barrel. Gun entered the system as stolen. What is the world coming to when you can't even leave a table full of guns unattended!

6:03 p.m.- C----- caller advised he had a disagreement with his father over what they were going to have for supper. The father has taken off stating he is going to have his son arrested and taken to jail. Officer advised. 6:31 p.m., father came into the office to file a complaint against his son, but he would not fill out a statement. He left rather mad. Dude, don't diss daddies lasagna!

6:59 a.m.- C----- caller advised his 13-year-old daughter hit one of the other kids. Dispatch asked to speak with the child, but she went to her room. Dispatch advised that maybe the daughter should have to stay in her room until she can be nice. Caller was advised about grounding and taking things away as officers cannot discipline children. Nooo comment

1:55 p.m.-R--- County Sheriff's Office requested Chetek ambulance paged for a female subject who has been in a coma for 24 hours and needs to be taken to a hospital. Chetek ambulance en route to -------- Medical Center in R--- Lake. Hello! She's been in a COMA for 24 hours and you just now decided a hospital would be a good idea? Even more dumbfounding? Why not take her to the LOCAL hospital???

8:12 p.m.-C----- caller advised there is a black cat hanging around his residence and it has been biting people. Officer advised the caller released the cat after the bite. They are going to try to live trap the cat and bring it in for shots. Officer also advised the subject that police don't handle cats. But they do store dogs in the back of the truck...

11:34 p.m.-City of C----- P------- Avenue [911] caller hung up. Dispatch called back, no answer. Officer responded to the residence, reported there is a subject who was stabbed, and requested dispatch to page an ambulance. C----- ambulance and first responders paged. 11:44 p.m., officer advised this subject was stabbed in Minneapolis, Minn., and the subject drove back to C----- without reporting the incident or seeking medical attention. Officer will refer this to St. Paul Police Department. Stabbed in Minneapolis, reported in C-----, referred to St Paul PD......... ooh my head hurts trying to figure this one out

11:55 p.m.-City of C----- M---- Street caller advised there are about eight people standing on the east side of the C----- Police Department smoking cigarettes and causing a disturbance. One of the subjects also urinated on the building. Caller advised the subjects have taken off, some on foot, others in a red Jeep. hehe

2:07 a.m.-C----- officer requested an ambulance for a pregnant subject who is experiencing pains. Didn't anyone tell you pregnancy usually ends this way?

5:39 p.m.-C----- -----Street caller advised of a driver of a black truck who sped up to hit a turkey and then grabbed the turkey and put it inside his vehicle and sped away. Officer advised. lol, that's one way to do it!

8:43 p.m.-C----- [911] laundromat caller is yelling that she needs the police there as someone has busted the back off the toilet. Officer advised. lol lol lol

11:28 p.m.-City of C----- B---- Street caller would like to see an officer regarding 25 to 30 juveniles who went across their property. She is very upset and the people are yelling at her. Officer advised this group of people are celebrating something and they are all dressed up in pirate outfits. There are about 50 people involved. They do not seem underage. They are going on the lake. Officer will try to speak with them when they come to shore again. 12:27 a.m., officer advised the pirates have landed at a C----- bar/eating establishment. Pesky pirates!

9:46 p.m.-City of C----- caller requested an officer respond to R------- Elementary School because there are some kids there playing ball and they have the lights on. He pays taxes and doesn't want the lights on over there. Officer advised the kids can be there until 10 p.m., and he will stop and talk to the caller. How dare CHILDREN be at the SCHOOL! Maybe next time they will blow up your mailbox or something productive!

7:03 p.m.-City of C----- caller advised a subject behind the post office appears to be intoxicated and had dropped his pants. Officer advised, no locate. Those darn naked postal patrons are alusive!


7:35 p.m.-[911] P------ Lake caller, who refused to give his name, advised there is a police car traveling at a high rate of speed southbound on USH -- just north of C----- without its emergency lights on. Checked with C----- officer and he is not on USH --. C------- County officers were advised to watch for this vehicle. Calling the police on the police! Genius!


3:58 p.m.-D----- caller requested dispatch to send an officer to pick up his son as he cannot afford to feed him anymore. His son has a warrant from S-------- County. Officer advised. awww how sad!

9:07 p.m.-City of C----- S----- Street caller advised a male subject is in his driveway jumping on and destroying his own vehicle. Information logged. My car is posessed and I must kill it!

2:15 a.m.-S---- Creek ------ Street caller advised his 17-year-old son was playing with a set of handcuffs and put them on his wrists and now they realize they do not have a key. Requested C----- police to unlock him. 3:48 a.m., officer tried keys and drilling and could not get the cuffs off. Subject will have to work it out on his own. Good idea! leave him in the handcuffs, makes your job easier later!

6:42 p.m.-Town of C----- caller advises that someone pulled out his hedge on his lawn and suspects the neighbors. Officer advised and took report. Damn hedge stealing neighbors!

5:35 p.m.-P------ Lake caller advised a car has been parked at the CTH - boat landing west of C----- for the past few days. She saw a guy go down there and not come back. She has seen more crows in the area in the past couples of days ... Officer made contact with the vehicle owners and they are working on getting the vehicle removed. Even the crows hate abandoned cars!

1:39 p.m.-P------ Lake ------ Street caller reported a crow has been in the roadway all day cawing. He thinks it has the symptoms of West Nile virus. Officer advised. Good to know cawing is the first sign of West Nile!

12:32 a.m.-D----- [911] caller thinks some kids are blowing air under her trailer house making dust to come up from the floor and they have cinnamon rolls. She can smell the rolls from outside. She doesn't see anyone though. She states that if dispatch sends an officer to her home, she isn't going to open the door. Officer told to drive by the area. Aaaah the cinnamon rolls will get you busted every time!

11:26 a.m.-D----- caller reported someone put several stickers on his ATV and believes that law enforcement did this. Caller was told this is highly doubtful and an officer will respond. Caller was found to have a child support warrant for over $4,000. Officer en route with subject to jail. Officer also advised there were three new stickers, but they all came off and there was no damage to the ATV. Better pay your child support or the cops will come...... with STICKERS!

3:28 a.m.-City of C----- Darn Republican Street caller advised of five intoxicated subjects playing basketball in the area. Officers advised. Those darn republicans and thier drunken basketball shennanigans! I had to leave the street name for this one to be funny hehe

2:29 a.m.-D---- CTH -- caller about three to four miles south of C----- advised someone in a vehicle struck a cow and it is still alive. Officer advised it was a yearling heifer. 3:09 a.m., officer out at the scene with the other cow and people there will be trying to catch it. Hmmm, something tells me if the cow is running away from you and you need back up to catch it, it's likely fine!

9:51 a.m.-C----- ---- caller reported a stray brown dog in her neighborhood that appears to be sick and is foaming from the mouth. Officer advised the dog is a friendly St. Bernard which naturally drools. Officer contacted the owner of the dog. lol


8:41 a.m.-City of C----- caller advised there is an injured blackbird on the ground flapping its wings on K---- Street. Caller was advised we don't take care of birds. Now if it were CAWING, we'd have a different story

10:24 a.m.-City of C----- L------- Drive caller advised her neighbor just shot snow at her while driving by on a snowmobile. Officer advised. Not SNOW! Stop the insanity!

12:32 p.m.-S---- Creek ------ Street caller reported a couple of pigs in the roadway. Officer advised. Pigs, cows, birds oh my! These animals ought to learn right of way!

7:20 a.m.-P------ Lake caller advised of a bay-colored horse on the roadway in front of their house. Horses too!

4:23 p.m.-C----- caller advised she is stuck in the car wash. C----- police department advised they will contact someone.

5:14 p.m.-C----- caller advised while she was gone and her elderly mother was home a subject, who identified himself as an appraiser from B-----, went through the house and took pictures. The man did not leave a business card when he was done. Caller would like to see an officer. How dare he not leave a business card!

8:57 p.m.-City of C----- officer advised of a call from a female subject who stated she has been talking to a male subject on the Internet and now he is harassing her. Female said this man is a registered sex offender. 9:05 p.m., officer is out on Dallas Street with the offender. Here's a tip! Don't give registered sex offenders your address over the internet!

3:51 p.m.-[911 hangup] C----- caller advised her dog must have stepped on the phone and dialed 911. All is okay at the residence. Talented dog!

7:50 p.m.-[911 hangup] P------ Lake call came in, dialed back and spoke to a male subject and his wife. Their daughter had dialed the wrong number. Parent states they have a daughter who knows everything. When asked if there was trouble with the daughter the parent advised, "No more than usual." How exactly do you dial the wrong number and end up calling 911? I mean especially when you know everything!

6:44 a.m.-[911] D---- caller advised a 70-year-old male is complaining of chest pain for the past 24 hours and he is lying in bed. C----- ambulance and New A----- first responders paged. Again, 24 hours must be the magic number! If you are alive after 24 hours you deserve for us to call you some help! Is this some sick contest?

9:11 p.m.-[911] C----- caller advised of a situation at a supper club/bar establishment where officers were needed to respond now. The call came in from another dining establishment pay phone. Contacted the business where the call originated and was advised there is no situation going on there. Contacted the other business who also advised there is no problem going on there. Officers en route to business where call originated. Officer advised the emergency caller had made a bet with his friend that 911 would still work even if he didn't put quarters in the phone. Officer is mailing a citation to the caller. Yes folks, proof that 911 still works without quarters!

5:03 a.m.-[911] City of C----- caller advised he has a small lump on his back due to possible bug bite. He would like an EMT to come check it out. Caller advised an ambulance would have to respond, we can't just send an EMT out. Caller was told to contact B----- Medical Center to see if they thought he should come in right away and to call dispatch back. Gosh, why don't doctors make housecalls again?

6:03 p.m.-D---- caller advised there is a suspicious vehicle parked back on a driveway into his potato fields off --th Street. Plate lists to a C----- driver. There is an air compressor in the back seat. The caller believes the vehicle has been there for one to two days. Dude, remember that time you lost your car in the potato field?

10:14 p.m.-C----- officer advised another officer has a Rottweiler in the back seat. They are not sure where the dog belongs. 11:09 p.m., officer is en route to Barron pound with the dog. Wait, You aren't going to store it in the back of the truck?

7:07 p.m.-City of C----- cell caller advised she is taking a 5-year-old kid to the hospital and will be speeding to get there. She was not given permission to do so. She then asked for an escort and was denied. Caller was told an ambulance could be paged for her. Caller advised she did not want that and then hung up.

2:43 a.m.-City of C----- caller advised of a couple of subjects inside a convenience store/gas station who are tossing salads around and yelling profanities. The subjects are intoxicated. Officer advised. Well how ELSE are you suppose to get tossed salads?

8:34 a.m.-City of C----- caller advised someone knocked over two "R----- for Sheriff" signs in her yard last night. Officer advised this is an ongoing problem. Yet he won the vote! Maybe his brother was the governor or something.

10:35 a.m.-[911] C----- caller wanted to know if there was anything we could do about a mouse in her house. Caller was advised to set a trap. Caller didn't know if her father-in-law had any. Caller was advised not to call 911 for this type of call and she hung up.

10:45 p.m.-C----- caller would like someone to go check on his brother as he has not been able to get hold of him for over three months. Officer advised the brother has the wrong phone number. Aaaah, it's nice to see such tight knit families.

9:49 a.m.-C----- officer advised he took a report of a female subject walking and dancing and singing on CTH - near G-------. Officer advised the women got into a vehicle as a passenger and traveled in an unknown direction. Walking and dancing and singing? How DARE she practice such lewd behavior! In the middle of the morning no less!

6:57 p.m.-[911] C----- caller advised her 79-year-old husband started himself on fire when he was smoking while on oxygen. The fire is out and he has burns on his face, shoulders and back. Chetek fire department and ambulance paged. Chetek ambulance requested L------- Medical Center-R--- Lake ambulance intercept. It's not easy being king...... of STUPID


8:04 p.m.-[911] City of C----- caller reported his 7-year-old son is missing. Officer advised. The child was found sleeping in his bed. They are Always the last place you look!

12:48 a.m.-City of C----- apartment building owner advised a female subject just left the apartment building and left behind the 5- to 6-year old daughter who is crying. Officer advised he gave the female a warning about leaving the kids alone. A warning?!

2:45 p.m.-C----- caller advised he fell off the toilet and is wedged between the toilet and bathtub. He is not hurt, but can't get up.

11:40 p.m.-C----- caller advised of an auto accident in front of H------- Autobody. No personal injuries. 12:02 a.m., officer en route to jail with subject for operating while intoxicated. I guess if you are going to wreck....... this is a good place to do it!

9:41 a.m.-C------ caller advised a man with a white beard is looking into windows in the neighborhood. Maybe it's santa checking to see if you are being naughty

1:20 a.m.-C------ caller requested an officer stop by her residence to check out a "critter' in one of her bedrooms. She is currently hiding in the bathroom. Officer advised, no locate on the "critter." Meanwhile, across town....

11:50 a.m.-City of C----- cell caller reported she is stuck inside the automatic car wash. Officer contacted the caretaker of the car wash. 11:59 a.m., officer clear as the caller is out of the car wash. You have to wonder if this was the same lady

1:57 p.m.-[911] City of C----- caller is asking for assistance as her bird has flown out of the house and is sitting in a tree. Caller was told the police department would be notified but are not sure what they can do for her. Now, if it were a CRITTER, they'd be right over

8:20 p.m.-L------- Medical Center in R--- L--- advised a Lifeline call came in from a C----- residence that she had fallen and can't get up. C---- ambulance paged. Just too cliche not to give credit to

11:36 p.m.-Village of D----- caller advised she can smell something weird in D----- again. When caller was asked where the smell was coming from she said she does not have any windows open. Caller was told it must be something in her house. Asked her if she could smell it outside, she said she was not going outside. Caller advised the information would be logged as officers so far have not been able to smell this smell in D-----. She said she will be praying a lot tonight. SEriousely....

2:30 a.m.-C----- caller advised she is on P------ Lake and is missing a swimmer. During the conversation, the missing swimmer appeared. Wouldn't be funny but for the way it's written.

6:57 p.m.-Village of C------ caller just witnessed someone steal a goose from the wild. He boxed the wild goose and put it in the back of his truck. Attempted to contact DNR, unable to reach. Sent officer on a wild goose chase, no locate. ROFL I'm serious, I am not altering these aside from the cities/streets

1:38 p.m.-[911] C----- caller stated a female came to the door yelling for help as the cops are chasing her. The subject left, headed south. Officer advised.

10:21 p.m.-Village of C------ gas stations caller advised they had a gas walk-away in the amount of $6.33. The subject left on foot heading southbound with a leaky gas can. Officer followed the track from the leaky gas can to a residence. The suspect is not at that address. 11:22 p.m., officer has male subject in custody for theft.

1:51 p.m.-[911] D---- caller advised that she has seen a bear run across the field. Caller was advised of our non-emergency phone number. She advised that it is a long distance phone call from New A-----. If I had to pay long distance charges every time a bear ran across the field i'd be BROKE!

6:39 p.m.-[911] City of C----- caller wanted to know why the sirens weren't going off because it is hailing in C-----. Caller was told the sirens are not for hail.

9:51 a.m.-[911] Received a 911 call from a B----- caller who stated that they have a large brown goat in their yard. Officers advised, no locate.