This is one horrid week

I think I posted about Jack being sick. (Did I? Gosh it's been a long week, I can't even remember what I did this week). He has an ear infection, Lyme disease (likely), and strep throat. Then on Tuesday I started my own adventure and now yesterday Nate got hit with something hard. At noon he started throwing up and kept throwing up every 15-30 minutes until about 8:30pm. At 11 he finally wanted to drink something and sucked down a bottle of pedialyte which thank God he kept down. Now he's got the poops! I don't get it? Strep throat doesn't cause this so it's not that (although if he gets a fever I'll be bringing him in for a test). No one else is sick! Poor Nate, he always gets it.

So I've been dealing with that and this miscarriage thing kicked up into full gear last night. I'm glad because I just want it to do it's thing and get over but it's really really difficult to deal with. I'm actually surprised just how much like labor the pains are, coming and going in their rythmic way and to realize at the end of it there won't be a baby. Last night I took a hot shower and tried to get my mindset right, I could tell I was fighting it, fighting the pain so I stood there in the shower repeating over and over "the baby is gone, let this happen and move on..... nothing can happen to the baby now" I think it helped some because the pain seemed to lessen after that.

I just wish this would get overwith. I want to be able to move on and right now I'm just stuck here, stuck in this process. I've been waking up in the night and the mornings and after a minute it hits me...... I lost the baby. Then I get sad again and have to build myself back up from it. It's much like after Alex died, sometimes you "forget" or think maybe it was a bad dream and then have to have the painful realization that it wasn't. Something else I find especially saddening is that I always thought a miscarriage was a sudden event that began and finished in one fell swoop. To walk around, go to my son's ball game and to the store and just my normal routines with this going on is strange. Something so profound is happening to me and no one has any idea. I have to just be normal and by all outward appearances I AM normal, wierd. Another thing that sucks is that since my uterus is distended from the blood (the size of about a 14 week uterus at the ER the other night, AFTER a day and a half of bleeding it out) I was beginning to wear maternity clothes and you could probably tell I was pregnant when I did, now I'm wearing regular clothes and doing my best to "suck it in" because I don't want people asking me if I'm pregnant. Just strange how it went from that to this in such little time. Now that I'm bleeding more I am losing my bump quickly thank goodness, now it's time to take down the maternity clothes from my closet and find my normal summer wardrobe that was packed away since there was no need for it this summer, sigh.

We may not have been "trying" for this baby, but we were most certainly happy and excited and were planning for his/her arrival. We thought every day about how at Christmas time we would have a newborn in the house, making a special warm holiday that much more so. It's difficult to come to the realization that it's not going to happen.

The kids for the most part really do seem to get it and have processed it and moved on. Jack is a little confused. He knows that when someone dies you have a funeral and you hold them and you say goodbye and they go to the cemetary. I don't think he quite gets this or understands. He asked again this morning when the new baby was going to be here and we had to tell him again that the baby isn't in mommies tummy anymore, it went to heaven with Jesus and Alex, he just looked at me like I had 4 heads. lol

As far as ttc, some have asked. We won't be ttc as we don't beleive in doing anything to prevent or encourage pregnancy but we will most definitely not be preventing anything. My midwife said it was ok to get pregnant again as soon as my body decided it was ready, there is no research that indicates that getting pregnant right away has an adverse outcome on the subsequent pregnancy and most of those pregnancies do go on to result in a full term delivery. God will let us know when the time is right, we will just wait for that blessed day to come. We've already decided though that we won't be sharing the news until past 12 weeks. Probably the worst part of this whole thing has been having to "untell" everybody, I don't want to do that again.

Thanks so much for all your thoughts and prayers and kind words.