Monday, April 20, 2009

Global warming shwarming

I have to wonder if the folks all bent out of shape about global warming have ever set foot in Northern Wisconsin at about 6am in January. Because if the -30 to -40 degrees we had all too often this past winter (not including windchill mind you) is global warming I will fire up my coal engine and say BRING IT ON!

In case you have never felt -30 degree temperatures here's a little bit of a description of the average January morning.

Alarm goes off at 5:45. Consider hitting the snooze again but realize your car needs to run for at least 30 minutes or you'll likely die before you reach the stop sign.

Throw some clothes on (dirties from the night before will do) and drudge upstairs.

Find tennis shoes, coat, and a hat. Consider putting socks on your hands as some gloves and eye the barbie scarf hanging the entry way as a fitting fashion accesory.

Bundle up and fish keys out of coat pocket. Point door clicker out the window and hope the battery in it is still sufficient to reach the 30 feet to the car. It isn't. Cuss out loud wishing you had invested in that remote starter.

Push the blanket blocking the draft from coming in order the door away and notice an apparently immediate 32 degree drop in the temperature of the room. Consider quitting your job.

Take a deep breath because living in Wisconsin you know full well that the minute you step outside all the breath will forcefully be sucked out of your lungs anyway.

Open the door and bolt out before you change your mind. Half run to the car and pull the door handle immediatelly feeling the frostbite hit your fingers and making them burn.

Lean into the car while finding the ignition, quite certain that if you actually were to sit down your butt would be permanently frozen to the interior of the car and you would just die that way, in the driveway in about 36 seconds.

Turn the key as snow falls off the lilac bush branch above you square onto your head.

Cuss outloud again as you hear the car try to turn over while it cusses itself and sounds more like a 1902 crank engine than a modern peice of machinery.

Finally it turns over. Turn the defrost on full blast, slam the door and run back into the house. Given only a second to worry if someone might steal your car while it sits running and then deciding you just don't really care.

Run back into the house, strip off the coat that is now doing nothing more than keeping the cold air from outside against your skin. Throw it on the floor, cussing again.

Go back downstairs and Tell your husband that you just simply don't CARE that the school only called a 2 hour delay in classes. Those kids will NOT be attending today.

Go into the bathroom, look in the mirror and decide your hair can survive one more day in a ponytail, because you remember all too well the girl in Junior high who went outside with a wet head and her hair literally froze and BROKE OFF. I'm not kidding either.

Go back upstairs and turn on the news while putting your shoes on. Decide it's better to turn it off than hear words like "record breaking cold" and "arctic freeze" But give a laugh when you see the map say it's 20 degrees in Florida.... suckers.

Stand there for a minute remember how warm 20 degrees would feel today. Swimsuit weather.

Get your coat and shoes on. Make sure your phone is in your coat pocket because you know if you crashed you'd have very little time to grab your phone and dial a number before your fingers fell right the frick off.

Glance out the door and see that your car is still in the driveway. Damn. Where are the criminals when you need them.

Move the "draft blanket" away from the door again and run outside. You realize you forgot to inhale before leaving the house and find it hard to catch your breath.

Get in the car, shut the door and spray the washer fluid to try to get the rest of the ice to break up. Then realize that the windshield wipers won't move. Get out of the car again and try to break the ice holding them down up for a half second until your are quite certain one of your fingers DID in fact break right the frick off. Get back in the car and rev the engine to warm it up enough to blow some warm air.

Finally after the shivering has stopped and hypothermia has begun to set in there's a hole in the ice about the size of your fist to see through. Decide that's good enough and drive with your nose as close to the glass as possible for maximum view. Then realize that your breath is fogging up the window more and decide that not seeing anything is a better alternative than ceasing to breathe to keep the window clear.

About halfway to work the car is finally warm and the amnesia begins to set in. The amnesia is important because with out it, just as mothers would never give birth a second time, you wouldn't again be able to bring yourself to get out of the car.

Get to work and circle the lot for the best parking spot. Of course there isn't one so you decide to just park, after all the amnesia is telling you it's not THAT bad.

Get out of your car and press the lock button on the keyring as your car beeps a beep that sounds a little like "what? You are leaving my ass out here?!" And walk away. Yes, I'm leaving your ass out here. Survival of the fittest my friend. Giggle for a moment while you realize you are so delirious you are talking to your car. Let out a small scream as your teeth freeze from opening your mouth during the giggle.

Walk to the building with your ears burning, your snot frozen. You can feel the ice crystals forming on your eyeballs as the "arctic chill" of a wind blows in your face.

Walk into the building. Take your coat off and say "Little nippy out there this morning, eh?"

Cause this is Wisconsin and as miserable as this all sounds.... you'll do it all again tomorrow. Because you're stupid. But not as stupid as those people who beleive in global warming.


Kate said...

Just an FYI... it's not Global Warming, it's Global Climate Change that has everyone worried. It's not warming, but more that the recent weather patterns worldwide are more dramatic. (Like the big blizzards, the tsunami, etc)

In some regions, that means colder, more bitter winters, in others, that means longer, hotter summers.

PBandJ said...

Whoa! I go through this exact same process every morning, only it is 40-60 degrees outside! I could never live in -30 weather. I would die the first day! You are my hero!