Wednesday, April 8, 2009

I don't get it

Ok, so it's no secret I've been REALLY struggling with my faith, or lack thereof, as of late. I guess it's probably a good thing that I struggle with it, as that has to mean I haven't given up on it entirely, right?

But, I just find myself bitter and angry. You see, it seems I can't see someone who carries their faith in front of them during times of struggle and not feel angry. What am I angry for? What does it matter to me?

I've been thinking about this a lot over the past few days and I think I've realized it. I really just feel like God let me down. Dropped me on my ass. Then kicked dog poop in my face while I was down. That's how I feel.

I get angry when I see people's faith because I always think "Yeah, just wait.... wait until the child you are so wholeheartedly praying will get better doesn't, then what"

Because that's what happened to me. I prayed and begged and loved that child with everything my soul had to offer and he died. MY CHILD DIED and went away FOREVER. And yours could too.

Or maybe it's a person who HAS lost the good fight, yet they continue to praise God over and over. I find myself with a huff thinking Why? Why bother? God could have spared you that pain but he didn't. Your child could be running and playing RIGHT NOW but he isn't. So how can you praise and thank God? The being who had the choice in whether or not that child lived or died? How?

To me it's the same as if some stranger on the street held a gun to your child's head and you begged and pleaded for him not to do it and he did it anyway.... would you praise HIM? Because I am not really seeing any difference.

I just don't get it. I think sometimes people just pray and pray and pray and hold out hope because they really don't know anything else to do. It's true when you are faced with decisions that are THAT FAR beyond your control you try to hold on to something that you feel you CAN do. And I guess that's ok if it serves that purpose in your life. When you are so far down that you need just one thing to hope for, I suppose it's ok for God to be that saving grace you cling to.

And I was like that. I didn't KNOW what else to do. I was so unbeleivably helpless that at least the faith that God could preform a miracle got me through the day. But then, when the dust settled and I realized that hope was gone, what's the point?



InsomniacRed said...

Hi Kat,

I have to tell you this... I am an atheist. I do not fight those who have religion. Its up to you. I feel that those who need someone to help them get through the week will continue to follow their religion.

I am an atheist for several reasons. First, no paster would ever answer my questions that I had. "Thats the way it is". Second, if there was a God, why would he punish so many, such as you. You are a good mother. You always put your children first. WHY would someone take a life away from someone like you, yet give babies to those who don't even want them, let alone are able to raise them. Why are there starving children in the USA, and foreign countries? Genocide. What kind of God would allow Genocide.

I will not even go into the actual words in the bible, or the meanings that people seem to take from the bible...or bibles, or Qu'ran or any other book of religion.

I think if you continue to live your life right, the way you and Craig do, you will end up where you need to be when it is time, whether its just a grave, an afterlife, or Heaven.

If you need something to help get you through the week, just look to your children and husband, and remember it will pass.

I hope I helped...I just wanted to help you feel at ease...

Faith in Christ said...

Genesis 1:31 says that “God saw every thing that he had made, and, behold, it was very good.” To have been very good, God’s creation must have been without blemish, defect, disease, suffering and death. There was no “survival of the fittest.” Animals did not prey on each other, and Adam and Eve did not kill any animals for food.

If there was no animal or human death when God finished His creation and pronounced it very good, why do we die now? We see death all around us today. Something must have happened to change creation, and that something was sin.
The devil, who had just rebelled against God in Heaven, tempted Eve to eat the fruit God had forbidden, and both Adam and Eve ate it. Their actions resulted in the punishment that God had warned them about. God was just and righteously kept his promise that punishment would follow their disobedience. Death entered God’s creation.
To illustrate the horrible consequences of sin, God killed an animal and made coats of skin to cover Adam and Eve. We are not told what type of animal was killed, but perhaps it was something like a lamb, to signify a picture of Jesus Christ, the Lamb of God, who shed His own blood to cover our sins.

Genesis 3 also reveals that the ground was cursed including thorns and thistles. Animals were cursed and serpent more than the rest. The world was no longer perfect but sin-cursed. Suffering and death then abounded in creation.

The Bible says "Even so it is not the will of your Father who is in Heaven that one of these little ones should perish." Matthew 18:14
(It is not God's will that this little one died)

"Take heed that you do not despise one of these little ones, for I say to you that in Heaven their angels always see the face of My Father who is in Heaven." Matthew 18:10

"But Jesus said, let the little children come to Me, and do not forbid them; for of such is the kingdom of Heaven." Matthew 19:14

"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned, Nor shall the flame scorch you." Isaiah 43:2
(keep your faith in Jesus... He will carry you through)

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding. In all of your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths." Proverbs 3:5,6

One thing is certain. You cannot save yourself. The Bible makes that very clear. However, you can be saved, thanks to God's mercy. He has given us a way of escape from sin and death. By the sacrifice of His Son, Jesus Christ, He has opened the way to everlasting life. He invites you to share in the victory of Jesus over sin.

Jesus lived a perfect life and then he "died for us" (1 Thessalonians 5:10). Through faith in Jesus as your Saviour, God is willing to forgive your sins. By baptism into the name of Jesus (Mark 16:16) and by obeying his commandments (John 15:8-13), you can be saved from sin and death. Resurrection from the dead to live for ever can be your hope. Jesus came to take both sin and death away, for "he will save his people from their sins" (Matthew 1:21), and "the last enemy that will be destroyed is death" (1 Corinthians 15:26).

Death is not the will of God. It is an enemy that comes from the Devil. As stated above an enemy that will be defeated last by our God who is the Almighty God. I am so very sorry for your loss and I pray that Jesus will wrap his arms around you and give you the peace the only he can give! Please do not give up your faith for if you do the Devil has won.

May God be with you everyday and every minute.

Anonymous said...

Kat, you know me... and you know which group I fall in... but something you may not know.. even though I *think* we chatted about it a few times.. but I've slept since then and can't remember. I get mad... I have been so angry with God that I couldn't breathe.

I know you feel cheated.. I know you are pissed. I get that. Girl, do I ever get that.

I will always love you and try my best to honor Alex by caring for his Mommy. I hope you know how much I do care for you. You are a permanent tenant of my heart and I pray for you often.

I also prayed for God to spare my son. I also got the answer "no"...

We agree on SO much. But this one? I have to put in my two cents. Not because I want to contradict you.. but I want to point something out. I know from an outside view, it can appear that having faith in God when faced with loss would be easier. But I find myself wondering if giving up on all things "Faith" would be an easier pill to take. Its much harder to see God in everything, to believe with all your heart and soul in his Sovereignty.. and come to a peace..knowing that you prayed, you begged you pleaded "not MY son" and He still brought him home.

I know this season is a difficult time for you. I know you are hurting in ways that you cannot express... but I also know that you are being carried... whether you want to be or not. The same Abba that took Alex home is holding you tight. Weep in His arms and let Him know how much you're hurt.

I love you.

tropicalg77 said...

Love you, thats why your my bitter, friend.

I am not going to pump you up with God plumping stuff, because I like you how you are.

Some days your a cracked egg, some days your not.

I am scrambled every day.

Struggles are different for everyone.

You just gotta have a little faith, doesn't really matter what its in, but if you got it...well then your partially there!

Love you

Katie said...

A man holding a gun to your childs head is doing it out of malice. God doesn't do those things to be mean or to punish you, he does it to end the suffering of the loved one and to be MERCIFUL! And I know that as much as you loved your baby and how badly you wanted him here on earth, you certianly didn't want him to suffer just because you wanted him here. You were his mother and his pain was your pain.

Thats what having faith is. Having faith and believing in God is knowing that he is going to answer your prayers, and it may not be in the way that you wanted. But he is still there with you, and he's just waiting on you too see him. Sometimes there are things that happen in this world that God just CAN NOT FIX. That is why millions of people die of cancer, AIDS, you name it. Medicine can only go so far, but when its your time to go, its your time to go. God is there to welcome each of those home.

I have a father who is fatally ill right now, and he is slowly wasting away. I ask God alot why someone as good of a person as my dad has to slwoly waste away while murderers are allowed to die quickly and cowards are allowed to take their own lives in seconds? I know that praying to God that he will be healed isn't feesible, but I have to have faith that there is a reason for it. I know that God isn't punishing my daddy or my family but I do know that he has chosen my dad, just as he has you, to bear a cross. And I know as time goes on and as wounds heal, I'll understand more and I will be patient because I know that God will help me understand, maybe not on my timeline, but he will help me.

God takes people and puts people in our lives for reasons, and it is up to US to listen to him and find why by living Christ like. While Alexs death was TERRIBlE, think of all the WONDERFUL things that have come out of it? All the lessons that you and your family have learned, and all of the things that other have learned from hearing your story.

I find myself not praying that my dad will get better, but that Gods will be done and that we all learn lessons from it.

God didn't take Alex away from you to be mean or to punish you. God took Alex with him to heaven because the doctors here on earth couldn't do anymore to help him and God didn't want him to suffer any longer. Alex was tired of fighting and it was his time to go, so God took him to rest with him. God saved Alex from pain and brought him to a place where there are no broken hearts or pain. The alternative if God hadn't brought Alex home with him? Who knows!? But surely he wasn't going to get better or else God wouldnt' have taken him...

Looking at your story I've learned alot of lessons from Alexs death and from your struggle! I've learned that I need to enjoy every second of every day with my child because I don't know what tomorrow brings. And while I pray for her health every night, things happen. I've learned what a blessing and miracle it is to have a healthy baby. I've learned that even in the midst of something horrible, you can still do something fantastic to honor people and make a bleak day in their lives a day that they will never forget. I've learned that what God givith, God taketh away, but he ALWAYS does it out of love.

You feel horribly betrayed by God, but try to look at it differently. Praise God for relieving that poor babies pain when you couldn't. Praise God for taking him into his arms and keeping him until it is your time to meet again. Praise Him for letting him have time with Alex, albeit a short one, but for getting to meet such an amazing little boy. Praise God for your other children and their health. Praise him for your struggle with your faith in Him, for that is how we know we are only human and not God. Praise him for each day that you are alive and able to be a parent to your children here on earth and Praise and Thank Him for being Alexs father in heaven.

Talk to God, talk to him and tell him how angry you are with him and then listen. Listen for an answer, but keep an open mind while you are listening. Open your heart to hear what God wants you to know and hear, not what YOU want to hear. God doesn't mind that you are angry with him. Thats why he's here. But he wants you to understand that he loves you. Just open your heart and listen and you WILL get your answer, you WILL be able to gain an better understanding and inner peace. Just OPEN YOUR HEART TO HIM!