Thursday, June 5, 2008

If you're going through hell

It's funny how God works. I was about to come here and type a blog post that was very depressed and sad and angry, and I still may. But as I clicked the button to bring this screen up our song came on the radio....

If you're going through Hell

Well you know those times when you feel like
There's a sign there on your back
That says I don't mind if you kick me,
seems like everybody has
Things go from bad to worse
You think it can't get worse than that
And then they do

You step off the straight and narrow
And you don't know where you are
Used the needle of your compass,
to sew up your broken heart
Ask directions from a genie
in a bottle of jim beam
And she lies to
when you learn the truth

If you're goin' through hell keep on going
Don't slow down if you're scared don't show it
You might get out before the devil even knows you're there

I've been deep down in that darkness
I've been down to my last match
Felt a hundred different deamons
breathin' fire down my back
And I knew that if I stumbled
I'd fall right into the trapThat they were layin'

But the good news is there's angels everywhere out on the street
Holdin' out a hand to pull you back up on your feet
The one's that you've been draggin' for so long
You're on your knees might as well be prayin'
Guess what I'm sayin'

If you're goin' through hell keep on going
Don't slow down if you're scared don't show it
You might get out before the devil even knows you're there
When you're goin' through hell keep on movin'
Face that fire walk right through it
You might get out before the devil even knows you're there

Shortly after alex died this song became our theme song. We found ourselves singing it whenever it seemed our grief was getting the better of us and it never fails to pull us out of that slump to this day. God knew I needed it tonight I guess.

Tonight I found myself wondering why the world just seems to be coming down on me like a lead weight lately. It's hard to keep up with the stresses going on and I joked to Craig the other night that back when Alex was sick and then died so many people commented on our strength and I often laughed it off. Well they must know something because If not for whatever strength I have I most certainly would be at the bar drowing my sorrows in some corona right this very minute.

God doesn't give us anymore than we can handle. I know that. But why does it seem he pushes us to that brink sometimes?

Something that will never leave my memory is the day when another hospital mom and I were talking about our son's heart defects and what their diagnoses meant for them and she said something that holds so true..... "you know what the worst heart defect is? The one that your kid has" That holds true in so many things in life. When Alex was sick he was alot of the time the sickest kid in the PICU. But I would walk down those halls and see those parents worried faces as they stood at the foot of their own childs' bed, or see the parents in the lounge with their heads buried in their hands with worry, or I would see the look on a dads face when the doctor told them their child would likely be in the hospital a few more weeks. I realized that the situations they were in were the worst for them, just as mine was the worst for me.

This applies so much in my day to day life and I think it really keeps me grounded sometimes.
After Alex died I would visit message boards for bereaved parents and I would get frustrated because most of the parents on there had miscarriages in early pregnancy. I would get angry and think to myself that they had no idea what devastating was. Now I am in their shoes, I am learning a lesson in devastating for myself. Because even though in many many ways losing Alex was a soul searing experience, right now losing this baby brings it's own pain. A pain that for this very moment, overshadows the pain I still feel in missing Alex if only by a millimeter.

The very worst thing to happen to you is the worst thing that has happened to you. The most painful thing you can feel is the pain you feel at this very moment. It isn't any more or less than anyone else's. It is what it is and it's yours to learn from and hopefully someday heal from.

I still sometimes wonder why God seems to take my lessons to the extreme. Maybe I just really have a hard time listening and it takes drastic measures to get me to listen, I'll have to work on that because I don't honestly know how much strength I still have. I'm feeling drained.


Anonymous said...

I love your blog. When I experienced my miscarriage I experienced feelings of guilt because my child had not been born and then died. How could I feel sorrow? It was the worst thing that had happened to me. I don't know why it happened but I do know that God will use it for His Glory.

cindys_weight_loss_blog said...

"God only gives us what we can handle?"

do you ever feel like God got you mixed up with someone else??? that your not sure you can handle this??? and although you dont doubt his wisdom.... you doubt your own ability to cope?