Interview with the matriarch of a large family

As a woman with a large family I am often curious about other peoples' experience with thier own large families, I'm sure many of you are too, especially if you don't have the experience yourself. So I've recruited some people on some large family message boards to answer some questions and give us a little insight into thier lives! These will post every so often on this blog.

The first volunteer was Heather from the Large families message board on babycenter



Did you always know you wanted a large family? We always knew we wanted more than 1 or 2, but we never had a set number in our heads.

Do you use birth control or are you of "quiver-full" mindset? How did you come to that decision? We used/use birth control.

How many children do you have? 5

How many do you want? It looks like 5 may be it unless we come into money. We do want to be able to help with college and go on an occasional vacation and be able to send them to summer camp etc. 5 is our financial limit to be able to still do that for now.

What are the biggest challenges when raising a large family? LAUNDRY!!! Also, there are not so many vehicles to accomodate 5 carseats without spending a lot of money and getting a vehicle that is bad for the environment. I am hoping the proverbial "they" come up with an environmentally friendly large vehicle that is affordable at some point.

What are the biggest rewards? I could go on and on and on. A parent may burst with pride on a Friday night because their son hit a beautiful triple. I get to do that 5 times as often. When I sit and read a story, I have 3 little ones on my lap. You know how exciting it is when you see the lightbulb go on in your child's mind, the one who has been struggling with Algebra? I get to see that lightbulb shine 5 times as bright and 5 times more often. When my 5yo learned how to ride a 2 wheeler for the 1st time, she had 6 people cheering her on. Our home is full of love. Each one of my children have a full network of fans to help them out and cheer them on as well as 14 shoulders to cry on. Really, I could write pages, but you get the idea.

Mike and I have been married for almost 9 years. We have 5 children and for now, that is all we are comfortable with affording. We have a 4br/2bth home on an acre. We will add on or buy a bigger house in a few years, but we are very happy. My husband hunts and fishes. The bigger kids have begun to share this with him as they get older. We both play poker and tend to steer towards outdoor activities. I also love to cook. I used to work until my 4th was born. Me not working was the deciding factor to adding to our family. Trying to juggle more than 3 with ever changing schedules, and all the illness children have, made the work/daycare thing impossible. Life is actually much less chaotic now that I stay home even though we have 2 more children. Sometimes the noise level gets high and I have to remind everyone to take turns talking or NOBODY will be heard, and we do have 5-10 minute qucik pick ups daily. The kids have all learned that if everyone just pitches in for 10 minutes, we can get it all pretty well cleaned up (toys and clothes etc) so we can all enjoy what comes next.

How do we live on 1 income with a large family?

This seems to be a very popular question and is one of the first asked when people learn we have 6 kids and 1 income. I'd like to share with you some things that we do to make that happen.

~ Keep your debt minimal. Houses and cars are expensive, so we finance those but we did away with the credit cards years ago and never use any in store credit. If we can't afford it we don't need it. I once read that 1 credit card with a $5,000 limit will cost you over $30,000 if you make the minimum monthly payments! Also, split your monthly payment into two and pay half every two weeks, this will cut an entire payment or more off at the end!

~ Research larger purchases. We plan for larger purchases such as furniture and vacations 6-12 months in advance. We research the items we are interested in by reading reviews at places like www.epinions.com

~ Shop in bulk. Costco and Sam's club are a great resource if you have a place to store dry goods.

~ Call restaraunt food distributors. This is a little unknown to most people, but if you have a large family and shop big, you can get your own personal account with food distributors and have the food delivered TO YOUR DOOR for what restaraunts pay! Call your favorite restaraunt and ask them for the contact information to thier distributors.

~ Use only half the recommended amount of laundry detergent and put in a cup of baking soda. Your clothes will be cleaner than ever before. Also, use Vinegar in your downy ball or fabric softener slot, it removes soap residue and smell from your clothes for pennies per load!

~ Plan your trips. Make lists and plan your meals. This cuts down the number of grocery store pit stops during the week.

~ Have a big family? You can get group discounts at some amusement parks, movie theaters, and other entertainment. If you are short on people, plan your outings with another family.

~ Turn your heat/air down when you leave the house, seems like a no brainer but i'm amazed at the amount of people who don't do this.

~ Get creative! Hate hand-me-downs? Turn old clothes into something else! A pair of jeans with holey knees can easily be turned into a skirt with just a pair of scissors, a sewing machine, and some bargain lace!

~ Save money on air fresheners by putting yummy smelling dryer sheets in your heat vents just under the grate. You can freshen and make your house smell great for months on just one box!

Do you have any tips not listed here? Please share them in a comment!

Things to see in Wisconsin

Ok so there ARE cows. Lots of them.

On Sunday we went to my in laws for dinner with the family and I brought the trusty camera along to take some pictures of the scenery. I never realized how pretty this area is until I really looked at it. So here are some pictures on our way,

First, a stop to pick up half the troop at my moms. This is her farm.





And the new little calf that will taste very yummy at Christmas.......... shhh don't tell him





And a few pics of the landscape along our drive











The Veterans Memorial Cemetary near my brother in laws house






Chris and Katrina going for a ride on the Go Kart





Boys will be boys, they all had to try out the super duper army type gun

Fishy prozac

So My brother got married on Thursday to his ever so sweet fiance (well duh kat, i should hope he married his fiance..........) anyway...

My sister and I got to thier house first after the ceremony to start cooking for the dinner later on. My daughter walks up to me and says:

Mom- somethings wrong with Allen's fish

My sister and I look over and here the fish has it's head buried in the rocks at the bottom

I whispered to my sister

I think thier fish commited suicide.......

We decided to just ignore it until they got there. When they arrived we told them that thier fish had commited fishy suicide and maybe they should do something about it. My brother said that his wife had just killed thier other fish yesterday. He went to take the fish tank outside and came back in after a few seconds......... the fish was alive! Thank goodness my brother knows fishy cpr! It's a miracle!

The fish just stayed there on the bottom like that, barely moving so we decided that maybe the fish was depressed, do they make fishy prozac? He tried to feed it and it let the flakes fall on him but didn't eat them. Classic sign of depression, Poor fish.

I told them that it was my belief that the fish was not in fact depressed, but that it was dying and offered ways to help.

Should we flush it? no, my sister said that was much too slow of a death
Grab it by the tail and whack it on the counter? No, who wants to brutally murder a fish?
Put a little bleach in the tank? It was at that point they ceased all communication with me regarding the fish. I have lost my place in the "need to know fish circle"...... *sigh*

I wonder how mr fish is doing today........ did he go and meet his fishy maker? Was he mourning the loss of his friend? If anyone knows that status on the well being of the fish let me know!

Here is a cute couple of pics from the wedding day. The first is my husband carrying our 4 month old Nathan in the moby wrap.

And a little while later my neice Madilyn (left) and her friend imitating him!

BTW, congrats Allen and Rissa!!!!

The news story, breastfeeding in public

The tv crew came and the story aired last night. I think they did a great job with it, it was non-confrontational but told the story well. Here is the link, click the headline next to the little red video camera icon to see the story as it aired. I am happy with my decision to go public with this, I had my concerns but I think (hope) they were unfounded. I am happy that the hospital is using this as an opportunity to educate and although thier account of the even is a little off, that's insignificant.



Moving on. I have to say that the attention this blog has gotten is pretty impressive. People are talking about it and thinking about thier lives and decisions so the point of my writing is working. I'm not entirely sure why a reader felt the need to bring the loss of my son into it, but I realize that when you speak your mind and people are insecure they will do whatever they can to try to make you feel as badly as they feel about themselves. I'm not bothered. This blog is as much a learning experience for me as anything. I'm always eager to hear other points of view!

Thank to to all people who commented, I welcome them good and bad! The support the past few days has been impressive and greatly appreciated. I hope that the news story served us nursing momma's proud!

Dig a little deeper

Over to the right of my main page in the "about me" section I state that this blog will likely sometimes piss you off and that's what I'm after. Why would I be after such a thing when I so fiercely wish for us to support our fellow women? Seems like hipocracy doesn't it? Well, it isn't my friends.



I WANT this blog to fuel fire. I want people to read it and think about thier lives, thier decisions, and the future for thier families. There are too many parents in the world who are sabbatoged by friends and family telling them that they HAVE to both work to give thier children the finer things in life, that formula is "just as good" as breastmilk so when the going gets tough, give them a bottle. So these women go to work, they buy formula, and they feel like they are doing what is right for thier families even though deep down they feel forced. I want them to read this and think "you know what? Maybe it IS ok for us to cut down to basic cable, trade the Yukon in for a cheaper vehicle, cut down our eating out so that when our children walk in the door after school they are greeted by a parent. Maybe it IS ok to say "no, formula is not as good as breastmilk and my child will be fed breastmilk, end of story". Maybe, just maybe it's ok. Sometimes just hearing (or seeing) someone else say it's ok is all it takes to empower people.



Then you have the other side of the coin. The people who with every fiber of thier being disagree with me. They feel that 2 working parents provides things for thier children that they wish they had as children. They need the security 2 incomes brings. They WANT to formula feed thier children because they truley beleive that's what is best for thier families and come hell and high water no one is going to challenge these beliefs.



Oddly enough, the second set of women are much easier for me to get along with. I have a dear reader and friend who is one of these women (not necessarily disagreeing with everything I beleive in, but some things). She and I disagree but our friendship hasn't faltered over it ever. She and her husband both work full time, thankfully thier 2 sweet children are cared for by thier grandmother and not daycare, and they have a beautiful home that they love (or at least I think so!) Even though I disagree with her beliefs, I respect them and I respect her security in her decisions.



Does this blog critisize people? Of course it does. You can't have strong opinions about intense subjects and NOT light a fire under some butts. Especially when it comes to parenting. Of all the things you can disagree with passionately, parenting is one of the taboos. I myself take offense when I read an article talking about large families overpopulating the earth, or what-not but being secure in your beliefs and decisions is, at the end of it all, what it's all about.



I currently stand to lose a good friend over my opinions in this blog which saddens me but I won't apologize for my beliefs. Please, anyone disagrees with me I'd love to hear it, but rather than name calling why not educate me instead. Tell me your beliefs and lets teach each other a thing or two...... or just sit down and think for a minute why you take what I say as a personal attack. Do some soul searching on the subject and you might be surprised by what you find.



More later tonight!

Breastfeeding discrimination part 2

Ok so since I've made you wait for more of the still unfolding story I now have to dissapoint you with the fact that part 2 isn't all that interesting, although part 3 will be and hopefully there won't be a part 4 but I'm betting there will be.

So, where was I. Oh yeah, in the car feeding my sweet baby. So after my brilliant husband marches back into the hospital and starts taking names we go around to the main entrance of the building and walk up to the information desk where a friendly and slightly alarmed looking older grandma-type woman called someone for me. We sat in the waiting area and a very nice woman came and took us to a conference room and told us that some people would be in very shortly.

In walk a man and a woman, sorry I don't really have any pet names for them so we'll just call them V and A. V is a rather gangly looking man with a notepad in his hand, A a friendly looking RN whom I'm figuring is slightly more than just an RN by the look of her attire. They asked us what happened and Craig and I told them the whole thing. They were apologetic but neutral, didn't offer much conversation but were nice enough. After taking notes on what we were saying they told me that they felt the priority at the moment was to get me the scan that I had initially came for, so as not to delay my diagnosis and treatment. Fair enough but I didn't really want to go back down there........ understandably.

V was nice enough to arrange for me to be taken directly from the conference room to the CT scan room and Craig and the boys to the CT waiting area. The nurse who did my scan was very nice and it was over quickly. So thankfully I did end up receiving my test after all.

For the past 36 hours or so I've been contemplating what to do about all of this. On one hand I have no reason to suspect that V wasn't going to handle the situation and have a chat with O about it (my initial pet names have been changed so as not to create drama) . But is this one time occurance really the issue at stake? No, it's not. There are a million more "O's" out there doing this every day.

Today while eating out at Burger King (girls from P1, I know you are giggling.......) I found myself very uncomfortable when Nathan had to eat. A feeling I had honsetly NEVER felt before. I had never thought twice about feeding him anywhere, except when he was a newborn and we had weeks of latch issues and feedings were horrid. I looked at my sweet baby, just wanting to eat and the familiarity of being snuggled against mommy and was deeply saddened that our breastfeeding relationship, the cornerstone of the deep bond between my son and I, was now tainted with this stigma. I realized that if I did nothing at all, I was allowing them to take something away from me and my child. I was allowing all the O's and NK's in the world to take this away from other babies and thier mothers. I would never forgive myself for being part of the problem instead of part of the solution.

So after much emotional drainage, on Friday afternoon, a news crew is coming to my house to interview me. I don't hold the hospital as a whole liable and I know that you can't blame an entire organization for the views of one or two of it's members. But I also truly beleive that we have to start somewhere, we have to be an example, and we have to drill into people's heads that without education, these things will continue to happen. So if the hospital has to take some publicity for the wrong doing of thier employees, then that's what has to be done.

I understand completely that this will come at great cost. There ARE a lot of O's and NK's in the world after all and they are bound to disagree with my views, disagree with how I handled it. And I'm ok with that. I will also probably have to leave my pediatrician and midwifery group in an effort to not have to go to that hospital again......... I'm ok with that too. Because you know, if just ONE person at ONE business THINKS about this the next time they see a nursing mother and squirm, knows better than to ask her to go to the ladies room, or put a blanket over her child's head, or to leave the establishment, but instead OFFERS her a secluded area to nurse her baby in, it will have been worth it a million times over.

I have two quotes I think are relevant for tonight and I don't know who to give credit for either of them I'm sorry...

"It is rare for well behaved women to make history"
and
"It's not about my right to breastfeed, it's about my child's right to eat"

Stepping off my soapbox.... if only for a moment to clarify something. I don't want readers of this blog to misunderstand my views on Formula feeding simply based on how passion for breastfeeding. I do not for a moment feel that mothers who formula feed thier babies are bad mothers, uneducated, or selfish mothers. I beleive that as a society we fail moms and babies. I hear all too often in my line of work from mothers the words "I started out breastfeeding but my milk hadn't come in on day 3 and she was starving to death so I got a bottle" or "at about 2 weeks old my milk dried up, I noticed it because she wanted to eat all the time and was very fussy", or the multitude of other comments and it saddens me. If just ONE person took the time to tell the mother that these things can be a normal part of breastfeeding or here's why that's happening the breastfeeding relationship may have been saved, but as a society we tend to just nod our heads and say "oh, yeah you are probably right, give her a bottle so you know she's getting enough". We don't give support and encouragement, we maybe unwittingly fuel the "i couldn't nurse because....." monster. As I've said a million times, we as a society FAIL OUR OWN. Now are there mothers who honestly due to illness, medications, or other reasons CANNOT breastfeed thier babies? Definitely! I don't really understand why some mothers choose to formula feed aside from solid medical or past abuse reasons but do I blame them for it? Nope........... I blame the rest of us. We should all be ashamed of ourselves.

Breastfeeding discrimination at it's best

I've always loved that Alanis Morisette song (yes folks, I am old) anyway, onto the point

How Ironic is it that the day after I create this blog about my opinions....... the day after I email our representative about the status of a breastfeeding in public bill that is being voted on, I find myself the victim of breastfeeding discrimination to a degree that even I could have never imagined. You see, I usually get myself into trouble because I purposely put myself there, today........ trouble slapped me upside the head out of nowhere.

My previous post mentioned a CT scan I was scheduled for this morning. Got my not-so-happy ass up at 6am, we got all 6 kids up and fed and dressed and over to a friends by 7, and pulled into the hospital parking lot at 8:10. I was due to have radioisotope dye injected into me so I wanted to nurse Nathan before I went in since I couldn't for 24 hours following (not really true as per studies done on the subject, but better safe than sorry).

Since I needed to be there at 8:15 I grabbed him out of his carseat and fed him as I walked in, before leaving my car I made sure that my shirt was tucked down around his mouth and I tucked a receiving blanket under my arm so not even the skin on my side would show. I'm not the type to just go flashing my floppy ta-ta's for everyone to see after all.....

I walk in there and was surprised that I didn't even get the chance to sit down before being ushered into the registration room. I signed the consent to treat forms and the lady got a phone call and when she was finished she said I could stay in there for a few minutes and they would come get me.... how nice of her.......... right? Little did I know they were assembling a team of "hide the lady doing that god awful thing called feeding her baby" tyrants just outside the door.

The lady who initially had brought me to the room, let's just call her NK, came in and told me to follow her, they were taking me to a private room. Well jeez, this is some service! I'm still oblivious to the apparent seriousness the situation to the extent I ask her if I can take the baby with me for now and she tells me yes. ( stupid Kat, they don't offer private rooms to everyone, just ladies doing that god awful thing called feeding thier babies) We walk through the waiting area and I notice a man, whom I had not yet met, now leading the group that was NK, me with Nate, Jack, then Craig pushing the stroller. We barely exit the doorway when a lady appears from the left saying in a rather panicked tone "there's PEOPLE down the hall". People? in the hall? is this an extraordinary event?

The man, lets just for no other reason than to be sassy call him O*. Just for fun. Ok? Still with me? So O stops abruptly, NK* (is that even how you spell that? hmm, someone leave the correct spelling in my comments will ya?) ........... ok so NK* nearly runs into him, I nearly run into her.... Nathan, poor baby, almost became a little bitty sweet sandwich, Craig gets out the door with Jack and steps beside me, Jack between us.

Now, I'm still slightly stupified. I'm beginning to realize that this is not the way they treat everybody. Maybe they think I'm famous?

O* and NK* turn around, now facing me side by side. The door has closed behind me, it's a bit cramped in this big ole hallway.

So O* finally speaks. He says to me "we are taking you to a private room but there are people down the hall"...... silly me, I actually thought this fine gentleman, who glancing at his name tag I find out is the director of Radiology, is THIS concerned about MY comfort when nursing my child, bless him and his dear christian soul......

So me, being stupid, said "Oh, I don't mind!" to which I heard in reply........ "But other people DO"............ Ooooooh.................... you didn't.............. did you actually just say that?............ I have this 8 second mental monolog (ok, another one I can't spell).

He then asks me if I want a blanket. For a second I had that flash of fear, you know the fear you get when your having that "i just realized I'm naked at the prom" dream? And I look down certain my boob, colon, or something is hanging out............. whew, nothing is........... oooh they mean do I want to put a blanket over my childs head! Yeah, no.

I tell them that I dont' eat with a blanket over my head, and my son doesn't either. In a very hard to muster sickeningly sweet voice. I start to take a step forward and O* and NK* take thier own step TOWARD me, crowding all 5 of us in about 3 feet of space. The door is closed behind me, there's a wall to my left, Craig with the stroller is to my right, and O* and NK* are almost counting my nose hairs. I'm TRAPPED and slightly confused.

Then IT happens. I don't know why this happens, I really don't. I HATE when it happens.......... I started to cry. Shut up, I'm a girl we do that sometimes. So I try my best to fight back the tears and NK* , bless her heart...... for a second pretends her soul isn't overtaken by satan and puts her hand on my shoulder. To which O* did something that completely and totally made me realize that this wasn't going to end pretty. He actually reached out, removed her hand from my shoulder, held it down and stepped between she and I! Can you imagine? For a second I felt a small twinge of sympathy for the poor old bat, her own boss treating her that way! Then I realized that it was myself, and not her that was facing trial by fire at the moment and snapped out of it.

O* is now about 2 inches from Nathan's body. WAYYYYYYY invading my comfort bubble. I start to panic. I say that breastfeeding is natural. He agrees but says that people are bothered by it. I am now sobbing like someone stole my birthday (oh hey, can someone please do that? I dont' wanna turn 31) I ask him "can YOU see anything?" I mean after all, if someone is close enough to count your nose hairs, they ought to have front row seats to the tit show right? He tells me "no........ but other people"

Ok cracker-jack, what people? The people with the x-ray vision? have you spent so much time in the radiology department that your brain shriveled up along with your testicles? Do patients in this unit have superman powers? ................

Did I say any of these clever and witty things? Sadly, no. I just stood there, tears running down my face, absolutely dumbfounded. Here I am, stuck in the corner, nowhere to go, O* and NK* staring me down with thier x-ray vision, a baby on my boob whom I now cannot remove without O* seeing way more than I want him to, stuck. Finally I mustered up the voice to simply state that I was going somewhere else then and pushed past NK* and went to the care where I finished feeding Nathan while sobbing uncontrollably. Craig was right behind me with Jack and then went back in and started writing down names, bless him and his good thinking.

Nathan is up, part 2 of the story tomorrow
*- Nicknames have been changed from original posting to protect the innocent (me) from further problems.......... well, ok, one further problem

Radioactive dye anyone?

So tomorrow morning at 8:15am sharp (yeah right, I know hospitals the work on a different clock than the rest of us) I get to be injected with radioactive dye and stuck into a doughnut shaped machine that will put thousands of xrays into parts very close to some of the most favorite parts I own. Anyone wanna join me?

Didn't think so. Ok so I often browse CNN and MSNBC online and have a laugh at some of the headlines and stories. I think it would be fun if I made this a nightly thing on my blog....... my takes on the news.

Gas at record high again- Well there's something new. Supply and demand.
Oh how I wish I had stock in oil. Do you have any idea how much money it costs to fill a 42 gallon gas tank? No, didn't think so. That's ok........... I like walking anyway. I heard the dumbest thing on the news the other night. The station did an online poll asking people if gas prices would affect them going on vacation this summer......... 60% said no. Think about that for a minute will you........... out of 100 people that would go on vacation this summer, FOURTY of them aren't going! And even the 60 that ARE going, do you think they will be spending money at little mom and pop touristy shops? Patronizing our rowdy little hick taverns? Going out for dinners at our struggling restaraunts who also get hit with the gas gouge in the form of food delivery costs? I don't think so. So those 60 will be here, but they won't be buying anything....... something tells me the word DEPRESSION is going to have a whole new meaning soon.

Sound sleeper snoozes through gunshot wound to the head - Seriousely people. I would think getting shot in the head would be a preeeeeeetty darn good reason to GET YOUR ASS OUT OF BED!

Viagra helps jet-lagged hamsters recover faster - Should I even contemplate what would have made some scientist think of Viagra when suffering jet lag? Yeah I think I'll just clear that one from my fragile mind.

Goo from patients blood may help speed healing- Yeah, it's called PLATELETS genius.......

Just a few of those for tonight. I'm actually rather tired. Did anyone watch Oprah today? the tapeworm? Does anyone wonder if they might have one of those swimming around in thier gut right now.......... can you almost FEEL it? Do you want to hit me yet?

Welcome to my world

Welcome to my world
I've had a few blogs. 1 on Diaryland and most currently my yahoo 360 blog. I've decided to move over here for the options and to change things up a little. I consider myself A little crunchy, what does that mean? Well it means that while I don't totally devote myself to tree hugging, I don't hesitate to hug a tree that tickles my fancy. I have very strong opinions about things and consider myself well educated about what I beleive in.

Breastfeeding- I consider myself a "lactivist". What the heck is a lactivist you ask? Well it's simple, I advocate a babies right to be breastfed. I am adamant about my belief that babies were made to be, have a right to be, and ought to be breastfed. I beleive that there are very few scenarios where a baby cannot be breastfed and that the whole "it takes a village to raise a child" theory comes into play, we as a society FAIL our babies by not supporting, educating, and advocating breastfeeding.

Baby wearing and absolutely no Crying it out- aka spoiling. At least that's what I'm told. I think our babies are placed from our wombs to our arms terrified. We need to earn thier trust. In order to do that we need to meet thier needs, even if those needs interfere with what we want or need. I honestly beleive this creates well adjusted human beings who are secure in thier knowledge that every need will be met or at least attempted by the people who are here to care for them.

I beleive in large families. I don't buy the "overpopulation" theory, quite the contrary in fact. I beleive the world is running out of good citizens in a hurry........ which is why I strive to make more! I don't beleive that pumping our bodies full of hormonal birth controls is good for us for a second, and suspect that the use of these drugs creates fertility issues for our children and our children's children.

I believe daycare is an abomination- When a family has 2 parents one of them should be at home raising the children. I don't care which it is, a father can do as good a job as a mother at this extremely important endeavor. I beleive that the choice to put your children in daycare for monetary reasons is selfish. I beleive that there are good reasons to work, to provide food, shelter, clothing, education, and medical care for your family, but I don't beleive that in order to do this 2 parents must work. I think the choice for 2 parents to work is a choice of luxury and convenience, you don't need a DVR, you dont' need a new sofa, you don't need a cell phone, you want them......... and your children want YOU!

I'll give you that much to chew on for the time being. If you regularly read this blog I hope you become enlightened, interested, and even angry at times. This blog will be a place for me to unleash my views on the world and you might not always like them, in fact I'm sure you may hate them sometimes but that's ok......... anger doesn't always breed more anger, sometimes it breeds action. Happy reading!

living without Alex 3-16-07

FRIDAY, MARCH 16, 2007 09:08 AM, CDT

This post was moved from Alex's original blog


I always thought that today, the first anniversary of Alex's death that I'd have something extremely profound to post here. I don't. So I'd like to just remember for a moment. Remember a day that will be hard for me to remember and hard for you to read.

I knew. I knew days before. I don't know how I knew but I did. I talked to my friend Brandy on Monday about it. I kept telling myself that I was being stupid, he'd be fine.

I saw so many other babies get better. I saw their chests closed, I saw thier mothers hold them.

I felt the need for the other kids to come and see Alex. That didn't happen because they got sick. I so badly now wish they had.

That day, that phone call. Hearing those words "Alexander has taken a turn for the worse, please come" I knew then. There's something strangly frightening in those things you know without being told.

I ran. I ran through the snow until I couldn't breathe. I ran some more. I ran into the hospital and waited for an eternity for those stupid elevators. I ran through the halls....... I wanted to run the other way. I got to the unit and I took the back way to his room, subconciousely I knew if I ran past the desk someone would try to stop me. I needed to go in there, I needed to see.

I ran into the room and saw 2 of our doctors standing on either side of Craig. I'm not sure if the room was silent or if I just wasn't hearing the chaos that was going on, I don't remember hearing anything. It must have been loud though because I had to holler Craig's name 3 or 4 times before one of the doctors heard me, I was standing right next to him.

I didn't look at Alex's bed. I asked if he was coding and was told yes. I had always envisioned breaking down hearing words like that, I was running on pure adrenaline I guess because I was very matter of fact about it.

They wanted more tests. We all knew it was futile. I'm glad we did those tests though.

We go back into Alex's room. The nurse is doing chest compressions. I look down at his little body and see his chest ripped back open. I can see the metal clips holding his sternum together. The mama bear in me took over, stop hurting him! I looked at the nurses teary face and told her to stop, she looked at the dr who nodded his head and lifted her hands off his chest. I kissed Alex and told him I loved him, so did Craig. He was already gone, his soul was gone to heaven long ago. Someone turned the monitor off. That monitor had been my lifeline for so long, my information station. The only real consistant thing I had, that was probably the most real thing, seeing that monitor go black.

I sat down and she put Alex in my arms. The most primal emotions took over and I cried like I have never before in my life. I wailed, I couldn't breathe. So many thoughts filled my head and then were replaced by new and sometimes conflicting ones in seconds. I was strangely relieved. I kept saying in my head "it's over, it's finally over" and then guilt for thinking that would come. For once his peace didn't come from a medicine pump, his chest didn't forcefully move up and down in the unnatural way a ventilator breathes. He was at peace, for the first time ever.

they asked if we wanted a private room. I couldn't bear to move from HIS space. I felt like if we moved then that started the change and I wasn't ready for the change just yet. I needed to do it slowly, one step at a time.

Telling the kids was excrutiating. Watching their hearts break in two. Watching them hold his tiny body. Shaylin's words "momma he's cold" will ring in my head forever and ever.

I wanted to stay forever and hold him but I coudln't. The physical changes were setting in and I didn't want to remember him that way. I said goodbye and laid him on the bed that he had laid on for the past 6 weeks, in his little blue pajamas and hat, the only clothes he'd ever worn. I turned around and walked away. I walked away from him. I had always refused to leave the cities without him, and now I had to.

I left a peice of my soul there too.

Living without Alex 1-27-07

SATURDAY, JANUARY 27, 2007 04:26 PM, CST

This post was moved from Alex's blog


One year ago at this very time my body began the process of birthing you. As I sit here holding your brand new brother in my arms I still hold a hurt in my heart. All the hope and joy we felt one year ago still haunts me. We had no idea what a roller coaster ride we were in for and today it's all very surreal.

Thank you Alex for helping your brother into this world safely. We can see your spirit and determination in him already. Thank you for the gift that you and god gave us. A part of you lives on...

Happy birthday sweet boy. I love you and miss you to the depths of my soul.

Living without Alex 7-21-06

FRIDAY, JULY 21, 2006 12:15 PM, CDT
It has come to my attention that folks are feeling a bit cut off since I abruptly ended this journal. Although I continue to feel that this chapter of our lives must be closed I would like to invite you all to keep up with us in a different way.

I have been chosen to be a journalist for StorkNet online. So I invite you to follow our new pregnancy on that site.

www.storknet.com

Scroll down to the bottom where it says Journals and you will find "Kat's pregnancy after loss journal". I update it weekly.

Thank you all again for your continued support!

living withought alex 7-9-06

SUNDAY, JULY 09, 2006 05:54 PM, CDT
This will be the final entry to this site. I want to thank everyone who has been reading this for the past few months, your prayers, your tears, your love has not gone unnoticed. People we know, and some we don't have been so touched by our sweet angel boy and our journey and we have been honored to share it with you.

In conclusion, a little something I wrote.

Sometimes........

Sometimes I am scared, scared that I will lose again, scared that my memories will slip away.

Sometimes I am angry, angry that such a beautiful person was taken too soon, angry that I didn't get to watch you grow up.

Sometimes I am grateful, grateful that we had those weeks with you, even though we couldn't hold you, you were there within our grasp showing us wonders that we had not yet been worthy to experience.

Sometimes I am sad, sad because I miss you so much my heart hurts.

Sometimes I am guilty, guilty because I might have been able to change things if I had only known

Sometimes I am happy, remembering how your strength and spirit filled the room, seeing you do it your way regardless of the "rules".

Sometimes I cry, I cry tears of sadness, I cry tears of heartbreak, and every now and then I cry tears of gratitude.

Sometimes I hope. I hope that I was a good mother to you even though the obstacles made it difficult for me to be a proper mother. I also hope that I can be half the person you were.

There are a lot of "sometimes". But there is one "always" and that is...... Always I will love you.

I know that time in heaven goes so fast, by the time you turn around to see if I am there with you, I will be. You feel no pain, you feel no fear. When I look up at the night sky and see that one brightest star, I imagine you sitting on it looking down on us and giving us your strength that we can go on without you. I may never understand, but at least I can wake up each morning knowing that nothing can ever take you from my heart.

I love you Alex, and I misse you terribly. For once in my life I'm not afraid to die, when it's my time someday I know that I will forever be with you again.

Alexanders birth story part 4

Part 4:

Please read the previous 3 entries before this!

The next day my mother arrived with the children so they could see thier brother again before we headed to Minnesota the next morning. It was probably the least stressfull day of the whole adventure since they didn't do anything to Alex, only let him rest and spend time with us. We got a room at the Ronald McDonald House that night and were urged to take advantage of what would be our last night of decent sleep in what turned out to be a very long time.

Monday morning we arrived at the hospital at 7am to spend time with Alex before his scheduled 8am flight. Unfortunately the flight team arrived EARLY and we got nothing more than to say goodbye to him and stand back as they worked to prepare him for his flight. Equipment had to be changed over, sedation begun, reports read, checklists checked. They loaded him once again into an incubator and Alex left for the airport for a ride on his "private" jet.

Craig and I left to start our own journey. We drove to my moms to pick the kids up and bring them home to get clothes and belongings for what we figured would be a couple weeks' stay at grandmas house and Craig and I loaded up our clothes and stuff. We brought the kids back and hurried back out onto the road to go to Minneapolis. The trip was fine but we eneded up getting lost and ending up across the river from where we needed to be because everyone assumed that a newborn would be in the NICU, he wasn't he was in the PICU which was about a mile away in a complete different building! We finally arrived at the right place at I beleive 6-7pm. Unfortunately we had by then missed the doctor but another cardiologist offered to go over with us Alex's condition and the game plan for him. We learned more details about the extent of Alex's defects and were told that they would do a procedure called heart catheterization the following day to get an even better look and then surgery would be scheduled. Alex would be the one in charge of when surgery would be, they would follow his lead but the sooner the better.

The hospital made arrangements for us that night for a hotel room nearby and put us on the waiting list for the RMH, we were told that people sometimes wait WEEKS to get into RMH. We didn't really care, we'd sleep in the car if it came down to that. We just couldn't worry about anything aside from Alex's life at that point.

To read the day by day journal entries I made while Alex was in the hospital click the "Alexander's life" link to the right in the labels section.

Alex's birth story part 3

SUNDAY, JULY 09, 2006 05:21 PM, CDT
Part 3:

Please read the 2 previous entries before this one!

The drive to Marshfield seemed to take a year. On the way we called everyone we knew and asked for prayers and told them the news, Alex probably wouldn't make it to Marshfield.

We spent the drive in silence. The radio was on but the only song I heard was "Jesus take the wheel" since it was repeating over and over in my head. I kept using it to push out the thoughts that were trying to invade, the thoughts of my baby being dead. How was I going to do this?!

About 30 minutes outside of Marshfield Craig's phone rang. I looked at the number and didn't recognize it. I knew what that meant, it was the hospital. Frozen with fear I handed the phone to Craig. I don't think I took a breath until he hung up and told me the news. Alex was at the hospital,. intubated and doing FINE! I again called everyone to let them know the good news! Hope started to creep in again and I don't think I stopped grinning and talking Craig's ear off the rest of the trip.

We arrived at the hospital and found our way to the NICU. We were greeted there by a very tall doctor who introduced him as the neonatologist caring for Alex tonight, he told us that he had gotten him intubated with no problems and started a medication to help his heart. The cardiologist was in with him now doing an echocardiogram on his heart and would see us in the waiting room as soon as she was done.

We went to the waiting room and spent 30 nervewracking minutes waiting to hear for the first time, what was really wrong with our son. Again time seemed to stand still.

Finally she came in and drew us a picture of what was wrong with Alex's heart. She told us our options and we made arrangements to transport him to the U of MN since this hospital he was at didn't preform pediatric cardiac surgery any longer. We were led into Alex's room that he shared with 3 other babies, at 4 lbs 14 oz he was the biggest baby in the room and the only one in an open bed. Aside from the ventilator he looked actually out of place there. His color was much better, the medicine they had given him opened his ductus arteriosis which allowed him to get the oxygen to his blood that he needed. My brother arrived and we spent some time with him before getting some sleep, the hospital was nice enough to supply us a room in the maternity ward just down the hall for the night.

On to part 4.....

Alex's birth story part 2

SUNDAY, JULY 09, 2006 05:06 PM, CDT
Part 2:

Please read the entry before this first.

After a couple of minutes I knew I couldn't just sit there and wonder anymore and Craig and I ventured down the hall past the well baby nursery and to the window of the special care nursery. I was actually releived by what I saw, a nurse giving him blow-by oxygen. I figured if he was getting blow-by then he was actually breathing on his own and that was a very good thing. They let us in and the nurse said "he's just having a little trouble getting enough oxygen, respiratory therapy is bringing a hood and we'll see if that does the trick" Not wanting to be in the way and it seeming as if everything is well under control and not too scary, we went back to our room.

We sat there and cried for a while, both still quite unsure what was going on but terrified that our perfect world had just been turned on it's nose. I tried to stay optimistic because I know babies, especially early babies can struggle with thier breathing and need some help for a few days. Still the tears woulnd't stop coming.

The midwife came in and I think for the first time I really started to realize that something wasn't right at all. It seemed as if information and no information at the same time was just flying all around us. I remember hearing "we think it's his heart, these things can be fixed" and "we can't get him intubated". Then the priest came. When I saw him my heart sank and I literally sobbed like I had never before. My baby was dying. We were taken down to see Alex and he was very very blue. I was scared of him and cried harder at the guilt of that thought. I looked at them bagging his tiny blue body and couldn't bear to watch my son die in front of me.

I stood there for a minute and the midwife I think kind of nudged me closer. Craig and I kissed his little head and told him we loved him. They asked if we wanted him baptised "if anything should happen".

We went back to our room to await the ambulance that would take Alex to a bigger hospital better equipped to care for him. Numerous people made numerous attempts to intubate him, with no success. Aircraft was grounded due to the fog. The 2 1/2 hour wait for the ambulance seemed an eternity and everytime I looked at the clock it seemed to be standing still. I was dishcharged and the midwife and nurse helped us pack up our belongings. They tried to get me to eat but there was no way anything was going down without coming back up.

Finally we were told the ambulance had arrived. We were taken back down to Alex to see him quick before he was loaded up. His color was worse but when the doctor lifted the mask off his face he let out a tiny squeak of a cry which for that moment I took as his way of saying "i'm ok". The NICU team informed us that they too had been unsuccessfull in intubating him and after we kissed him and told him we loved him they loaded him in the incubator and left with our sweet baby.

We went back to our room where the doctor sat down and told us the news, it was worse than we could have imagined. It was his heart, but they thought he had deformities in his breathing tubes as well, possibly all over his body.... she said "it's very very grave". We were given 2 pictures of him and they helped us to the car and we headed after our baby boy.

On to part 3.............

Alex's birth story part 1

SUNDAY, JULY 09, 2006 04:52 PM, CDT


Alexander was so special from the start. He truly was in every sense of the world a miracle. You see, Alex was a Vasectomy reversal baby. Reversals don't really carry a very high chance of success, but less than 6 months after, we conceived our sweet boy.

My pregnancy was very uneventful. It was almost TOO easy. I gained little weight, didn't have any complications.

At 5pm on January 27th, after a day of shopping my water broke almost 4 weeks early. Surprised and scared we got everything in motion to go to the hospital. My sister met us there to take the kids back home but before they left they hung out with us in the hospital room for a while. They left at 11pm to go home and get some sleep, knowing that when they returned in the morning there would be a new baby brother in the family.

Alex was born quickly at 2:32am. He was absolutely perfect having none of the preemie problems we had been forewarned about. He nursed right away, passed his initial newborn exam with flying colors. We spent a few hours with him and moved to the post partum room. They wanted Alex to be in the nursery while we slept because the nurse didn't trust him not to pull some funny business, premature babies can sometimes do ok at first and then start to spiral down after a few hours and have trouble. Fortunately Alex did not.

In the morning Alex was brought to us after the pediatrician gave him a throrough once over. She told us that he looked great and we would most likely be taking him home with us on Monday. We had a little birthday party for him with the kids, complete with cake and chocolate milks. For some reason I needed to make sure that every one of them got to hug and kiss him before they left to go to grandmas house.

After they left Craig went to do his tradition, shopping for the going home outfit. The nurse came in and said that Alex was a little chilly so I should hold him skin to skin to warm him up. I changed his diaper and snuggled him. Craig returned and the 3 of us hung out watching tv for a while.

After a while Craig looked over at Alex and commented that he was very pink. I looked down and thought that he looked purple, but figured it was the lighting in the room. To be sure I leaned him back to get a good look at him and when I did his eyes got wide, he gasped, let out a tiny sqeak of a cry and then his eyes rolled back and closed. By this time Craig was already running down the hall to get some help as I was too stunned to think to push the call button......

Two nurses ran into the room and I was still holding him like that, his head in my hands and I, in a state of almost shock said very calmly "I don't think he's breathing right" I think I fully expected to be told he was fine actually, the heart doesn't let the mind process things sometimes. The nurse instead said "oh no he's NOT!" and grabbed him from my arms. She instructed Craig to grab his IV pole (he was on antibiotics because he was early) and they all took off running down the hall. I sat there for a minute, not quite understanding what just happened and staring after them.

After a few minutes Craig came back and said 'they are giving hime some oxygen". I still couldn't even fathom that something might be seriousely wrong.

Click the "newer" button below to move on to part 2

Living without Alex 7-7-06

FRIDAY, JULY 07, 2006 05:07 PM, CDT
Things seem to be getting harder for me and easier at the same time. I don't know how or why. Yesterday we went to our first midwife appointment and since it was my birthday the midwife agreed to let us take a quick peek with the ultrasound machine since it's far too early to hear the heartbeat with the dopper. The machine they have in the office there is ancient, and not very good and for a while we could see the baby, but no flicker of a heartbeat. I stared at the screen, willing that little heart to show it's presence.......... and then it did! Such a relief.

So why do I feel sad? I feel sad that this isn't Alex. I feel bad that I find myself thinking that another baby couldn't possibly ever be as special as he was. I feel bad that I don't know if I can bond with this baby because I'm afraid he or she will be taken too.

I don't feel good physically. I feel weak. I feel like something is wrong inside my body and I find myself always fearing for my own life. Something IS wrong with my body...... my heart is broken and I'm not sure it will ever really heal.

Grieving my child is something I could not prepare for. Initially not even as much as now. See at first people expected me to be a basket case. Now.... it seems people expect a person to just kind of get over it in a way, move on. It's so difficult to do that. Part of me never wants to move on, to get further and further from our lives with Alex. I am losing my memories, a little at a time and sometimes it just feels like it never really happened at all. I mean in so many ways it's like this past year never happened, because our lives by all outward appearances are exactly the same as they were a year ago. 5 kids, expecting another, Craig working his tail off, me trying to keep things running smoothly and struggling with the constant changes that having children brings. The only difference really is we have pictures on the wall of a baby who we never got to know, we live day to day with loss on the inside, while being "normal" on the outside.

Living without Alex 7-2-06

SUNDAY, JULY 02, 2006 11:33 AM, CDT
Wow, what a pity party that last entry was eh? Jeez Kat. I'm told I'm allowed to have pity parties now and then so I guess I should just take advantage of my right to whine and do it every so often.

I really am unsure if I've accepted things though. I've decided that after the holiday I'm going to call and make an appointment with the family therapy services. There just isn't any reason not to. If not for me, for my kids.

It seems that the kids' grief is rearing it's head now. It's really a learning experience. Kids do grieve differently than we do. Christian has been pretty teary lately and when prodded he admits he misses Alex. It's hard for Craig and I to ask the questions we need to and get to the bottom of things with them because our kids hurting so much is pretty hard for us to bear. So it's time to talk to someone.

It's really strange how the grief changes and evolves. In the early weeks you are under this fog and it's difficult to remember, to think, to process thoughts at all let alone difficult ones. That fog very very slowly lifts and then I've had a period of "I'm ok" You feel a bit empowered, because you know you have just experienced the worst emotional hurt possible in this world, and you survived it.

Now, the fog is gone the acute pain has gone. But now the questions rear thier ugly heads. Replacing the acute pain is a dull ache that won't go away. You don't feel quite so empowered anymore because you aren't entirely sure what life is for you now.

It's all just impossible to put into words because I struggle to understand it myself.

Living without Alex 7-1-06

SATURDAY, JULY 01, 2006 09:35 PM, CDT
Sometimes I wonder if I'm just not in a huge state of denial.... I don't visit the cemetary and I'm starting to feel insanely guilty for that. Maybe it's because although I think I've accepted it, I really haven't. In so many aspects I'm still living Alex's life........ maybe I have yet to realize his death?

Lately the whole thing has just seemed kind of surreal. Like there's no possibly way all this has happened. I feel like it was this crazy dream, one of those dreams that haunts you long after you wake up even though you know it was only a dream.

Maybe none of this makes any sense. I don't even thing anyone reads this journal anymore so I'm thinking about discontinuing it. Why should they read it? The adventure is over. The excitement is over.......... all that is left is............ I'm not sure what.

Living without Alex 6-30-06

FRIDAY, JUNE 30, 2006 12:20 PM, CDT
Last night I had a dream that I was running around this big city and I couldn't find my way. I was afraid, lost, but refused to give up. I woke up and kind of chuckled how that dream so truly reflects the past 5 months.

It's hard to beleive that Alex would be 5 months old now. He would be a "real baby" as I like to call babies that are no longer lazy newborns, but are playing and learning. I cannot picture him 5 months old. He is truly forever a newborn to me.

I've been very busy. The parade preparation is taking a lot of my time. Bears had to be shipped yesterday, summer in a tourist town is hectic anyway. The kids have been running from one summer school activity to another.

Wednesday I had lunch with another heart mommy. The first I've met in this area. It was so nice to just talk and have someone actually GET what I was talking about! Thankfully her sweet daughter is a survivor, but it seems she still went through some feelings of loss, loss of the child they excpected maybe. No one ever really thinks thier child will be born sick, especially when the pregnancy doesn't indicate anything like that. Anyway, we are going to work on implementing a support group in our area.

Well, the work is never done!

post moved from Alex's blog 6-27-06

TUESDAY, JUNE 27, 2006 11:42 AM, CDT
I'm feeling a bit better about things. Well maybe not so much BETTER about them, but I'm able to distract myself pretty easily.

We are going to be in the local 4th of July parade for the Bubba's Bears project. Due to mis-measuring I get to dress up as the big blue "Bubba Bear" instead of Hailey, joy! So, pray for cool weather!! It'll be fun though, were gonna have quite a few people with our group, we'll have a little "float" with a Big bubba's bear on it and then the kids will hand out Candy and my friend and I will pass out blue and red keychains. We'll be playing Laurie Berkner music so the kids will get a kick out of it all.

Yesterday we recieved our official documents stating that we are, in the eyes of the law, licensed to "practice the business of charity" hehe. It's nice to finally be all recognizable and legit.

Well I'm off to pick up the kids from summer school and then to work more on the parade stuff!

post moved from Alex's blog 6-25-06

SUNDAY, JUNE 25, 2006 01:26 PM, CDT
I'm finding myself asking some hard questions today, questions that I don't have the answers for. Questions that I'm not sure I WANT to answers to.

Did my baby die because of someone's mistake? I'm sure every bereaved parent asks this. You want to blame somebody, you want it to be someone's fault so you have a place to direct your hurt and anger. But...

Last night I had a dream. I dreamt I was walking in a beautiful field full of daisies and in the distance I saw a red haired little boy, no bigger than the tallest flower running. I ran to him to realize that I was standing face to face with my son. I scooped him up in my arms and cried the tears that have been dormant for so long. I asked him if he was happy and he said he is. I asked him if there was anything we could have done to save him and he said that Craig and I had done everything we could have, but that he had planned to stay until he had his bleeding problem. After that he got sicker and finally God asked him if he wanted to go home and he said he couldn't stand the pain anymore and went.

I know it was a dream. But did the heparing "incident" kill my child? He was doing so well before that, SO well. Sure he had his complications, but he really was improving. Did someone KILL my child? I have the surgical report from that incident, it doesn't jump out at you, was it correct?

That dream really upset me. I has knocked down my resolve. I always just convinced myself that he wasn't meant to be here, from the start God had planned to take him back. But what if that wasn't the case? What if he would still be here if someone hadn't screwed up and given him too much heparin. I still don't know the specifics on that, it was all very hush hush and I still remember that evening was the ONLY time, in 6.5 weeks that I had EVER been asked to leave the room during nursing shift change. What were they hiding?

In the days that followed that I heard tiny bits at shift changes and what not....... I heard "heparin incident" "got too much heparin". At the time Craig and I, we were too scared to ask. We had no options for Alex at that point besides right where he was at. We had to keep our faith. I even admit I went so far as to tell people things that weren't true about the situation being investigated when it wasn't. Part of that was probably because of my own guilt, I felt a duty to look into it, but I couldn't stand to know. It's something you can't understand unless you are there, your child laying in that bed with nowhere else to go. You just have hang on to any thread that it might have not happened the way it appears.

I guess a case could be made that he DID live that night. With a lot of hard work from the docs and nurses he DID live. But did he? That morning everything worked, after that, he never peed again. I remember Dr D telling me that night "if he hadn't bled, I think we could have gotten him closed, so we want to try again asap" but after that, he was just too weak to withstand it. So if that hadn't happened would he have been closed? If he had been closed would he have gotten septic? I don't know what to do. I want to know the answers, I want honesty....... but if no one could be forthright with me before, why would they now? I'm angry. Why didn't anyone just come to us and say "this happened, were sorry?" Because we aren't lawsuit happy people, you know what we would have said? "humans make mistakes, thank you for being honest". But they weren't honest. That's what makes me angry. I think someone may have made a horrible mistake and no one had the decency to tell us.

Post moved from Alex's blog 6-23-06

FRIDAY, JUNE 23, 2006 06:06 PM, CDT
Upon learning that children will be soon having a new sibling, most kids will speculate as to whether the baby will be a girl or a boy, or in the case of Shaylin, will declare her hope that the baby will just simply be cute. However my children, instead now just say they hope the baby will be healthy.

Innocence is something we take for granted with our children. We watch them learn and marvel over butterflies, the moon, clouds and take simple joy in thier experiences. It's very difficult when a part of that innocence is taken from your children, through no fault of anyone it's gone, forever.

I first became aware of this at the Ronald Mcdonald house when one day as I was sitting by the fireplace watching Shaylin and Jacksen play with thier little friends, I witnessed a game that both interested and saddened me. The game involved a baby doll and the children played out the scenario that the baby was sick and needed an ambulance, when the ambulance arrived these children, the oldest a mere 6, began putting "lines" in the baby and instructing each other on life saving measures.

My children now worry about things that are far beyond the imagination of most children. They worry if thier new sibling will be healthy, if he or she will live. They confront thier own mortality...... if babies can die, then children can too. They now know that people die and go away forever, aside from Jack who insists that every pair of baby shoes we see at the store would looke insanely adorable on "baby wex".

As sad as it is, there are also blessings involved. My children have a much greater appreciation for thier safety and thier lives than most other children. The families and special children we met at the house have shown them that people may not always be like them on the outside, but that's ok. They don't see things in black and white anymore. The fact that they know that nothing is forever, makes them more inclined to make the most of every day and to appreciate what they have been given. And that is a lesson that as parents we cannot teach, it's a lesson only learned through experience.

Thank you "baby wex", for helping show us ALL the way.

post moved from Alex's blog 6-22-06

THURSDAY, JUNE 22, 2006 02:54 PM, CDT
It's not often something can send me back to that place. The sobbing mess on the floor place. It happened this morning.

The little girl, Ashley that I talked about in my last entry has gone to heaven. It hit me hard this morning and I spent a bit ranting at God and everybody else. The WHY factor you know. I hope that someday when I get to heaven I will have the priveledge of understanding because I just don't. I try to see the silver lining but it's hard when these kids fight and fight and fight so hard only to die anyway. It doesn't make any sense! Craig said something about lessons to be learned, and I beleive that. But who's lessons are they to learn? The parents? well how fair is it to put a child through that for someone else's education? Is it the child that is learning? Why does it have to be learned THAT way.

It will never make sense to me, it's probably not suppose to but I'm a question and answer kinda gal, and I want answers!

post moved from Alex's blog 6-19-06

MONDAY, JUNE 19, 2006 04:04 PM, CDT
Once again I need to ask for your prayers. This time for a little sweet girl named Ashley who also has a special heart.

Ashley is in the PICU and so much of what she is going through we lived through with Alex. She's in rough shape, transplant seems to be her only option but she's too sick for ECMO support until a heart becomes available. Please pray for this family that thier miracle comes in the form of healing for this sweet little girl.

Yesterday was fathers day. I can't really say how Craig did with it because for the first time in quite a few years, he worked on father's day. He was kind of distant in the morning and left for work early and I imagine he did that to stop by the cemetary before work. A lot of you get to listen to my ramblings, but don't get to know much about my dear sweet husband unless you know him personally. He's such a great husband and father and my heart hurts for him. I wish I could just take his pain away and I can't. He's doing much better that's for sure and I am confident he's on the right road to healing. I just wish he didn't have to hurt.

Post moved from Alex's blog 6-17-06

SATURDAY, JUNE 17, 2006 09:18 PM, CDT
I don't really know what to write in here anymore. My thoughts and feelings seem clouded lately. Not a day goes by where I don't think of Alex and I don't expect that will ever change, nor do I want it to.

So many people take for granted. Take for granted that they will give birth to a healthy baby and take that baby home, that they will watch that child grow and learn. So many people just expect that thier child will be here tomorrow. Of course they do, they haven't seen what i've seen.

I ask you all to pray tonight. For a sweet little girl named Tiahna that is in the U of MN hospital fighting for her life from Leukemia. Such a beautiful baby. Her parents received some disheartening news today, the kind of news that really sets you back in the knowledge that your child might not live through this test. Not that I'm sure they've ever forgotten it, but sometimes you let yourself drift to the other outcome and by the grace of God you can keep yourself there in that happy place of "my child will come home". And then things change and you have to look in the face the possibility that kids DO die. They die suddenly, they die after long illnesses, they die because of mistakes, accidents, murder. Children die. Treatments sometimes can't work and we fight with God for our children until the time comes to realize that these children aren't ours to keep and it's a fight we can't win. This is a hard reality to swallow for anyone, but when you are the parent of a child who might die, the feeling is undescribable.

I'm probably not making much sense tonight and that's ok. My heart is heavy tonight. I feel like since Alex died death follows me. Although I may not always personally know the children or thier families, children dying is everywhere I turn. Sometimes I wonder if it's me lol maybe i'm bad luck or something. I wonder why God lead me to this place I stand right now. What purpose does it serve to keep death in my sights? What do you want me to do with this wisdom and knowledge that you've given me through the life and death of my dear sweet son? I pray for direction.

Post moved from Alex's blog 6-13-06

TUESDAY, JUNE 13, 2006 12:01 AM, CDT
So I didn't go to Tyler's funeral on Saturday. I won't elaborate.

I'm really glad that I got pregnant again so soon. I find myself being able to see babies again without being so sad, I almost ALMOST was able to go into the infant department at walmart today........ big step.

I have however been feeling a little guilty. I look at Alex's picture on my computer desktop and I just search his little face and try to remember him........ my memories are so hazy and I hate it. I can't remember anymore his smell, I can barely remember what his fuzzy hair felt like. I vaguely remember the way he scrunched his face up during his silent cries. I find myself angry about that. If I can't have my baby why can't I have my memories at least? Why do I have to lose those too? Sometimes I look through the photo album at the pictures of him and I can remember the day, but I can't remember that moment the picture was taken. I can't remember how it felt to hold him. It's frustrating.

post moved from Alex's blog 6-9-06

FRIDAY, JUNE 09, 2006 10:00 PM, CDT
Tomorrow is Tyler's funeral. I'm a little nervous still waiting for the part of this that's going to suck me right back to losing Alex and tear me apart. So far, so good though.

Yesterday we had a bbq at my moms for Craig's birthday. It was a beautiful day and we spent the day just being lazy and watching the kids do 'stupid human tricks' as my sister liked to put it....... you have to understand, her sense of humor is even more left field than mine (corrected the I before E thing there Jana, in case you ever read this aren't you proud?)

Today we went to the MN zoo and had a blast. Allen snuck out of work and joined us and we made a day of it. After we went and saw a IMAX 3D film which was awesome, it was hilarious to watch Shay and Jack (who have never before even been to a normal theater) reach out and try to touch the 3d pictures. I'm not sure the poor man in front of Shay appreciated it much though. They would get scared at the jumpy parts and then just giggle like insane little elves lol

I noticed about halfway through the day that although I still find my eyes wandering toward babies, especially newborns (since Alex will forever be one in my mind, even though he'd be over 4 months old now) I don't look at them and feel that overwhelming sadness I use to.

It's amazing how the heart can heal. The problem I battle now is how much healing is fair and how much should I make myself feel guilty for if that makes any sense. I like to beat myself up when life is going well for me I guess and I need to stop doing that.......